glory! : today i will lay there and let myself die

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Wednesday, November 22, 2023

today i will lay there and let myself die

im infected from every wound ive nursed this year, ive let myself turn yellow and burgundy.

i watched the deep cuts i house grow purple this week. i watched the slits on my surface crust up and dry down.

im so alone here. im waking up late and reeking. im a slug, i cant trust who i was or who i can be. im disgusted at myself. i could gag.

all i ever needed was love. i cant have even a string between my mind and my body. i can feel myself start to rot. i can feel my consciousness leave my body. im seeing myself from an outside perspective. i want to make revenge out of my body, i want to make a bonfire so tall it will be seen from miles away. i want to make the entire city go dark and gray, i want everyone to breathe in my scent and suffocate. by the time it goes out, i will be gone.

i want to run into the wilderness and let myself start faltering, i want to trip and fall and bleed my knees out. i want to fall so bad i cant get up. on the floor, i want my breathing to hurt. and i want to breathe heavy and rapidly. i want to feel warmth when my cuts start bleeding down my limbs and ribs and face.

i want to realize i wont be able to go on this time. i want to try hard to pin myself down, as to not feel any more pain than i need to. as to stop moving, since moving has started to hurt so much and theres nowhere to go. and i want to be fine with that. i want to be so easily fine with that. i want to know how it feels like to let go of ideas so heavily cemented in my head. something as deep wired as survival, as will to fight if theres no other way to end up alive.

i want to keep fighting limply, just using my lungs, heart and hands. without much real motivation. knowing the end. let it crash over me like a wave. i want to feel my pulse slower, growing cooler, chiller. i want to feel as if the shakiest gasp will feed me the air i need for now. i want to twitch without thinking, i want to feel my body contract. i want to see the moonbeams twinkling and dancing over the ocean. i want to see the sunlight break through glass and onto the marble floor of my childhood home. i want to see my friends laugh around a playing table. i want to see my cats ball up by my sleeping body. then i want to die.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.