i am ashamed of myself and my faults and shortcoming are unacceptable. it is what it is. God sends for us to fear Him and we should.
shame out of inability to abstain from pleasure - food, sex, money, drugs - is as necessary as abstinence from violence and being mean. it is far more necessary to be able to be kind and to give than it is to keep our spirits safe and untouched, but in order to achieve salvation and higher existence we must avoid all pleasure that is material and we must give as much as we can. it does not matter to who. we must give and not wish to receive back.
i am having night terrors, demonic attacks. every night i wake up around 3 to 5 am. i drink water and sleep. i am dreading all life. i am dreading everything.
i put my faith in Christ still. i went to church yesterday and it talked about death and suffering as a way to shred our human skin and be reaped then and carried by the Lord our Father. i am afraid of everything, my sadness envelops me, i am scared for my life, i am sick and tired, im becoming gray.
i need a few months off from anything, i need rest. i sleep for so many hours. i feel so much sorrow, so much shame on my body, soul, intentions, wishes. i wish for more than death, and my longing for death is the only one of my desires that does not torment but cradles me.
as humans we are animals that shit and piss and grow sores and infections, we host parasites and get abused for stupid reasons. we are also beings of light that know how to love out of instinct, not heritage nor through learning. i think im just a sad, sick, filthy animal.
