nov 19 2023
two days ago i cried so hard i broke a blood vessel, i asked God for a sign. i slept for two hours, woke up at 6 to cut my leg with the blade from my german sharpener, im scared of losing faith over not being able to decipher the nature of God. i know hes there, but i know the void is so big that maybe i cant see him with my human eyes. and i cant know for sure what his nature is.
i remember going to a church here in my city with my dad. i got a diet coke and he got a cob of corn outside, after exploring. i miss talking to him like that. i remember going out to the cinema then to eat with my mom and it was fine for a second. we were best friends but i was only ten years old. i was a problem child in their eyes and i know ive been their scapegoat for so long. my priest told me yesterday i keep using my body as a scapegoat, abusing and denying it. i was the punching bag and the pin cushion. but they loved me and i felt their love. i dont know what could have possibly changed. im so sad. im distraught. i miss my dad. i miss my mom.
I was still high from the cutting, i calmed myself down and showered with hot water. i rubbed alcohol on my new wounds and removed patches from the older ones. i used to use makeup to conceal them. these days im to ashamed of my own flesh. its good to at least have a consistent cover despite the circumstances.
i went to church after hours of sitting to think. i wanted to talk to the priest. and i needed confession. i talked to him. younger than most priests at my church. i told him about my fears, about how im sick and i cant find it within me to ask God for help. he told me about saint Faustina. who i just found out was born exactly 99 years before me. he took my confession. i felt relieved.
after that i went home, picked up my things and looked for a place to get my septum pierced. i went to two different places and both were closed which was bad. then i went to a third place and the piercer was very kind to me. we played bathory as i got it done. it was painful, he customized the horseshoe ring for my nose. i wanted it to be hard to flip and flip back so if i hid it before going to sleep it would stay in by the time i wake up. my parents would kill me if they found out. im scared the TSA will hound me for it. he was exceptionally sweet and understanding. it was fun.
after that i went to a bookstore with my bestie and picked out some used books. i got a garfield comic thing which i lost right after. i got 120 days of sodom. i got a spanish-french dictionary. i got a book on marxism and christianity or something like that. we went out for food then we went to my house.
we went to a flamenco thing. the dancer was phenomenal. i barely have words to describe it and i cant really comprehend the greatness of what i saw so whatever. im not gonna talk about it!
went to a party and tried the most disgusting terrible drink ever to exist and i did horrible things at the party and want to die. it was overall good. i just fucked it up.
i wish i could be more introspective about it all but i am so shaken and i havent eaten in days. feeling bad. terrible. feeling bad.
i cant be vulnerable with people. i try to. i feel like i have to try so hard at being good with the people i love. not because i want to hurt them but im just hostile. ive always been. i have no real reason to be, not that i remember anyway. im not a good person. im not a good person.
i will finish writing this later maybe. i am too tired and i also need to like. at least process something first. i feel so guilty and bad. i hope i can get through to someone, i wish i did yesterday. i think i at least had some meaningful conversations with some of my friends. who i love.
i realize i see Him in the eyes of the people i love. i felt forgiven yesterday, i felt relieved, i felt cared for an understood for a couple of hours. i saw the grace of His work flow through the bodies of my brothers and sisters. i feel distraught still. am i wrong? am i about to ruin my life?
i pray for them and their happiness and i pray to die. because im so tired. im tired and i cant keep going like this. what is going on anyway? what if im wrong. i dont think im 100% wrong but i very well could be. who knows.
God. when will it end.! im frustrated and sad. i lash out and seek shelter. im tired of my teeth being bared, my claws being pulled out and im tired of hissing into the corner then trying to act normal. i never want to be sober. i want to be put down, i want to be sedated and put away. i want to be alone. im so ashamed of myself.
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