screaming?

 getting jestrum in one month

 Jesus for whatever reason its been like a month and im so blue its crazy. my best friend alecs is here from guadalajara, happy! but ive been blue. its my parents birthday today. both, yeah. i have my boyfriend silk pillowcases and he loved them. its insane everyone is a leo or virgo. super crazy. ive been thinking of dropping everything and leaving to new orleans, becoming some sort of apprentice somewhere. maybe fixing writing machines or something similar. i regret not getting into a proper science or something, or something more humanities.

well. ive been ruminating too much about death and everyone dying, i myself have been feeling suicidal. im going to wear the prom dress i never wore to my birthday party. middle school prom mind you. as well as high school. ZAMN.

i dont know man like i dont know. im in a transition period. been saying this for two years. i started this blog at 19!! and i feel bad for not posting more. i promise ill post more stuff. ive been so lonely for most of my life. so, so much of my life its crazy. all quarantine which for me lasted about three years i had no one to talk to, it was crazy as hell. 

first week fourth semester almost 21, reminiscing and stuff

 i remember my story and i think its at least interesting and at worst whiny. i am in university. as i approached today and saw the sign i felt i was approaching vegas. i dont love it here but im glad im here because i graduated from a degree mill high school with little hopes for the future, a little school in a tiny one-layer mall, underneath a spinning studio and squished between two graveyards. i was there because i couldnt attend school. anorexia and covid had destroyed my body. i wasnt even that skinny by the end of it. my metabolism took a blow for my heart during stupid covid. i felt i was meant to die then and now i drag myself everywhere like i was never supposed to be here.

my first day in college, in a creative major, was spent at relative ease until i found out that the reason why the famous library (which i was not particularly eager to explore, in all honesty) was shut down for the day is because a girl that went to middle school with me died of a heart attack. people made light jokes about it. i saw it as an omen. and it was an omen. i was raped that august by someone i trusted and loved and i stayed right there. 

i went to school and cried, cried and cried. cruel irony, i had been in the real world for less than a month. before that, my life was spent in anorexic half-bliss. working out six or seven hours a day, that summer i drank for the first time. those six months i drank myself half to death every other weekend. i started going out more to ease the guilt from the drinking. i dont think my mind ever recovered from the sludgy, awful horrors of those months. my mind is scattered and i think of it every day. the drive back home. the sugar free chocolates i used to eat, my biweekly trips to the barber salon where they shaved my head clean for five dollars, six if i wanted two lenghts.

the person who violated me is my confidant to this day. another cruel irony. i have no one else, even now. i have good friends but i keep a secret that only this person knows. and whoever reads, but nobody will. i wish i was free to fall in love and begin a normal relationship. it was within the span of that year that i started body modification. i could not stand the sight of myself. now i can, at least. hes still friendly and kind. its fucked up. i guess he never meant it. isnt that just a horrible thing to think?

its been two years and i dropped out and came here, to the next best thing, to study psychology and figure out how to rationalize things. its fun but i wish i was studying something creative or history, my white whale. i guess im happy. im not really, my peers are graduating this damned year. and then what.

its fine. it really is. ill make it out alive unless i dont. i cant care. i care if i go to hell, though. i care an awful lot. im nervous about that, im an impure soul that cant clean itself. im evil and bad. im one of the examples they show in class, the ones they demonize. my heart is broken, my soul is dirty and spent, thirsty for God, no God to hold me.

ill get my teeth fixed this monday. i tried to convince the dentist to give me fangs. not possible. my mouth is small and cant fit bigger teeth. when will i get anything i want. wtf-.

first week of school has been awful and this semester seems to be looking terribly bitter. bittersweet. theres things to do. i dont want to give, but people still take. nobody gives, so i have to take. 

feeling ridiculous. dreaming of my middle school crush and somehow it hurts. everything stupid.

summerio

 finally summer and im still painting and having so much fun with it, ive been trying out new things and styles and colors. im very proud of everything ive done so far, and i think im getting much better.

my parents are back from a trip to london and scotland. i wish i went there but i had a very nice and relaxing time at home. yesterday i had seven glasses of wine and started a painting im truly proud of. i booked an appointment for a piercing today. the horizontal line on a magic cross, for female anatomy obviously. i went there today and my piercer seemed to be really happy with it. i originally went in for a triangle but decided against it since apparently i didnt have the right anatomy for it. oh well. its my ninth genital, tenth if not accounting for the now deceased experimental christina. im so happy with it. the area looks very full and shiny. i dont have to look at skin and i dont have to see it as female anatomy. i can see it as shiny titanium. hopefully ill change everything to some more delicate rhinestones. im happy! and my leg tats are going amazing. im very happy with them. i finally feel more at home in my body, after so much troubleshooting.

and about feeling at home in my home. well. nothing but bad vibes. still, im trying to convince my parents to let me get some more antique furniture and paint my walls. ill see.

for now all my friends are out of town and im not going out and seeing anyone. im bored. and ill be bored for the time being. of course i could just paint but i want to talk to people. this several movie a day lifestyle is getting to me finally.

new laptop

 rest in peace beautiful shattering 2019 macbook air. my new macbook pro has arrived. making my country album. got my daith redone and my rook done and school anxiety is getting my ass good but honestly im doing fine. my album is going to be great and im writing short stories and having fun with everything in the world. doing ok with my banjo. better each time. soon i will get my knees tattooed and stuff. been out with friends, made a friend in college. hes very nice and kind. came over last week and we talked about a little romantic venture he had with one of my other friends and about class. someone who understands my own struggle with gender and such. im having a hard time with my boyfriend but im sure it will pass. this spring break im taking him to see my dads home city. beautiful coastal ish city. my parents are wanting to buy a small apartment there since my grandparents are getting old and the house is not gonna go to us. i hope i can go stay there for seasons at a time. i dont love the beach but i do love the city. 

my boyfriends parents got me a vintage desk. i honestly cant even begin to thank them. i got a couple of vintage mirrors and some glassware. im hoping to get a couple nightstands and a bookshelf, paint my room burgundy. just two walls. hang up other stuffs. its all starting to take up shape. 

ive been wanting to fo out fishing and ive been wanting to learn to hunt but i dont think i could ever take an animal life. i barely eat meat and was vegan for many years before my colon almost killed me. even then i kept going for a year until the sixth colonic session in one of my worst flareups. to this day i cant eat meat. i hate it it tastes like it was alive. 

the whole sexual assault and rape subject in classes is still hard to go through but i cant afford to care too much about any of that mess. i need to get through the stupid semester. the memories flood me and i feel weird things i hate. i listen to music and distract myself but ive been easily triggered this month. my period came out black and scarce, but painful all through my chest, back, shoulders and abdomen. my womb felt like a ton of hot coal fitted inside my uterus. i need to take it out and i need top surgery now. ive changed my name socially. hasnt worked but it will. im not even gonna get into the pronouns thing. at least my skin looks super clear these days and my hair is no longer weird. a proper micro bob. right at the cheekbone but still.

i think id find it infinitely easier to end a human life than an animal life. i love those creatures to the ground. i just finished watching fleabag and im currently watching girls. sex and the city too fun i need something bleak with my tiny lunch. maybe something will come to me and make things better for my writing. nothing tragic more like an air of freedom and more money to go to cafés. im going to call local café managers and see if i can go and play some music to advertise myself and get myself out there. i know a couple and im close to the coffee scene or whatever in my city. fun!

my vibe

i dreamed you up again

 i have dreams where my desire for fulfilling love are almost met and i rest easy and happily in someones presence. i felt that way this weekend after our cryptopsy/athiest concert. i shared a beautiful evening with friends and even got to meet the band. i was so happy i couldnt want the night to end. i woke up sore with a huge gash on my knees from when i feel in the moshpit and my nose sore from when someone elbowed me in the moshpit. i was happy and refreshed.

i keep dreaming of love and someone not resisting. i cant help but feel jealous of girls who are naturally alluring. i feel something wrong with me. i dream of old friends and old somethings and we get second chances. i feel so alone. i feel so alone today. i want to be beautiful and light, but i cant fit that shoe. im an eccentric. ive been watching some movies still and making cocktails.

i keep crying about lynch and this clip from twin peaks. my little friend group seems to be seeing each other less with the jobs and everything. i feel like i cant keep up. im waiting for things to happen but they wont. i want to live life. i saw someone say they pretend that they were 80 and one day magically woke up being 35 again, that they acted as if by some miracle they were given 40 years of life back and they could try again. i cant though. what can i even do at all.

im so horribly depressed and i know that even though i mask my sadness i cant truly shake it from my shoulders. i know my heft is felt by everyone around me. classes are going very well. what can i do?

i feel so terribly lonely. my parents are tense with me, my mother is cruel and tells me i dont love her all to have me cry and leave her alone. i dont know where to go from here. i want to be optimistic but things are boring. he keeps doing it over and over again and for the life of me i cant even move anymore. i lie limp and wait, i disassociate. i imagined a dark teal soviet union bunker. last time it happened he ditched me right after to go with friends. it felt horrible. i cant even say anything anymore and i keep away from that word. i begged him not to. but hes kind enough. i need him around.

 i went back home and tried to shake it off but i ended up crying. i made myself a margarita and the lemons were bitter. so i had some wine and it was a bit off. so i made sangria. i watched fleabag, i really loved it. too bad its only a couple seasons with some half dozen 20 minute episodes. its very good for all that. im getting my four piercings done sometime this week or the next.

what the hell can i do. im maybe doing a small comic thing with a friend. i spent friday in some coffee waiting for him to finish his homework. i sang and composed. someone approached me to know if i sang live somewhere. yay. lord.

new year

already self sabotaged myself like twice big time but it doesnt matter. i have enough money to make it through the month but no significant treats- i was really hoping i could get a new pen for school. i do need a new laptop and i feel dirty and gross. i cant feel pure again even if i died and came back into a new body. ill always feel bad. i feel disgusting.

classes start tomorrow and ive taken up a bit of mixology to feel less bad about my alcohol consumption. 

im so ashamed of myself, i feel sometimes i should go to confession just in order to feel less bad. i dont know if itll work. ill know it wont. it never has, i always felt so bad. i went looking for a release and nothing ever helped. i cut myself, starved, burned, did the things that made me feel bad again, ruined myself, picked at myself, nothing worked. i want to scrub off everything. i want to go back so badly. i cant stand myself, i seek refuge in music and it aids me greatly. i wish it wasnt like this but it is. 

merry christmas and happy new years again

 hello.

im not gonna make this cutesy. merry christmas. a few months from now ill look back onto the date of my journals, letters, posts from this time of year and will feel more christmas spirit than i ever did this week. anyhow.

im in a helltrip with my parents through beautiful bible belt and im not exactly having fun. we went to the aquarium and to the coca cola thing, i felt sick. ive had a piece of chicken, green juice and a slice of pizza in these three days. on christmas eve i was sure i wanted to marry him but now i am not. then again, who am i to chase bigger things? by instinct, it seems my first thought was to say that every time i have done that it has ended up wrong. the fact is i have never tried. only once or twice trying to get a new friend group. ended horribly, i still think about it, i guess you never know. maybe it was my strategy. maybe i need to plan things out better. i cant. hes good, i just feel the world is still my oyster but i know its not.

my heart has been poisoned by cynicism. its all ive ever known. i was so bitter as a child. i feel im condemned to go outside for a cigarette and get bored of nature, or draw myself a hot bath and get bored 5 minutes after the fact. i feel im doomed to always be bored and miserable. i know that after a year and change, if someone has read this far, i should have gone to a shrink or something. i wont, i cant trust these people with my secrets, i cant trust myself to tell the full truth either. i cant be fully vulnerable, not even with myself.

not even here. i have this secret i cant say because lest nobody every reads this- nobody i know- im doomed forever. about relationship thing. not the previous secret. its slipped and nobody who could hurt me with it knows besides my mother. she wants to call his mother about it. i dont know if she only hasnt done it because she doesnt have the balls to do it or because she really couldnt care less. i think she thinks i was exaggerating. again, over. i will never retrieve myself. ive always wanted this person and this person circles around me like a vulture. 

my dear mother got me a beautiful glittery shimmering fountain pen for christmas the color of caramel. its so beautiful. ive been getting into the hobby. my beautiful boyfriend got me a cigarette holder and an old case from a perfume i adore.

and i know we cant have each other even if the circumstances were right because if they were i would want them gone. i wouldnt have them touch me, at all. i just wanted to feel special again, i know that. i want to infiltrate their dreams and drive them to insanity. but my feelings are mostly pure. again, following me around and haunting me. 

i watched nosferatu today, the 1979 version of it. i was so excited about watching eggers version opening night but ill be in fuckass memphis. i cant watch it here because my stupid ass forgot my glasses. i did that on some purpose because i promised to watch it with him. i regret my decision now. poor dracula wants love. the absence of love is the most abject pain, he says. stupid mina says that only one can save himself. he is tricked and seduced by her. albeit he was already completely obsessed with her. she does this in order to keep him by his bed until the sunrises and they both fade into nothingness. not fun. ive always wanted some nosferatu film where evil reigns, on some part, where the heroine is corrupted. love is corrupting. where the virginal status of mina is exchanged, where she chooses to live deliciously, say. not like twilight. differently. i think thats what the audience wants, to see the corruption of a virgin as to feel justified in their own perversions and impurities. maybe audience is only me but still.

its such a good movie, i took a little nap and had a strange dream. its so dreary and sparkling, surreal. loved it.

i wish eternal love existed. i wish i could be romantic but how can i be when love involves such gross things. i dont want intimacy to be being able to watch each other go to the bathroom or be able to wake up next to someone with morning breath and loving them nonetheless. i want love to be all consuming, i want to be so deep in it i accidentally die of starvation. i want passion to mean skipping events to enjoy each other. why does love of all things have to be rational and tainted by ugly, disgusting life. why does one have to clip passions wings. i want to be chosen by a strange and special creature and wanted. why do i have to accept the simple and mundane.

i guess im only with him here in this weird and ugly world. in a perfect, clean world it would not be like this. of course i love him deeply, but this is not what i wanted love to be. why is everything so ugly.

at least my gpa is at 3.8 for now. something tells me next semester it will be at 4.

happy holidays

quismoix

 everything is so complicated daughters grow and mothers shrink and i have three finals. and then its christmas break. i spent all day today rearraging my room and moving my things, fantasizing about things i wanna buy. a beautiful set of headboard and nightstands, desk, a table for my bed, i would love an amazon echo. i want a big house. for chrismas, i want to be peaceful as all hell. i want one thousand dollars and a pretty new bag. maybe new glasses. im thinking about my aunt diana and my surviving grandmother. im also thinking about christmas. my favorite holiday.

im spending a ton of time with my cat. i wake up to her curled up right beside me, with her little head on my chest and her paws reaching at me. i always pet her and kiss her and cuddle her. she always finds a way to get under the bedcover with me. shes the sweetest. i love playing with her and feeding her treats and carrying her like a baby to look into her big blue eyes. like huge shiny sapphires. i adore her, shes everything to me, shes my girl little and my baby and my everything. maybe im getting fang mods. permanent. just my canines.

im mentally totally checked out of school stuff. my finals will be over soon but i could not care less at all. in my mind my month of rest and relaxation has already started. its only 4pm and its already frosty blue outside but the weather is not too cold sadly. i wish i could wear fuzzy socks and stuff but its not the weather for it. but it is quite cozy. and it looks cold enough. im thinking of clothes and victorian/edwardian whatevers.

theres not much. im get upset then i forget. it is what it is.

alien observer

 ive been in the same place for a year and its been such an awful decade for me. no peace and no single not a thing at all. no creature. no nothing.

been a year since a significant moment, or group of moments in my life. i want to come back home drunk and wake up fresh, i want my parents to love me. i want to feel loved. theres nothing but resentment in this house. maybe black mold in the carpet from all the years. the black mold is the ghost of all that was. im the ghost of all that could have been. were all ghosts of the things we miss or want to have around like charms. 

love ghost stories. love nosferatu and coppolas dracula movie. i wish something far more powerful than me was enchanted and infatuated by me. wish it would pluck me away. to be defined by something so much bigger than me. i wish i could fall into a thick, slapping love. a dense, bashing delirium.

i had to redo my new industrial piercing and i think ill have to do it again. i dont want to but i will. i dont know what else. my jestrum. i want a cigarette, semesters almost over and im doing just fine. im tired and battered and i wish i could redo my teenage years, do them differently. i think ill start doing pilates. i need to take something seriously before all of my youth leaves me and i dont have neuronal elasticity. i dont relate to people. i cant connect.

soon ill get a hint.

happy bday to my septum

:3

almost a year

 not even gonna mention the elections i wanna buy a gun. anyway.

its been almost a year since i started this blog and since a lot of stuffs. its been a tough year, but im happy about the blog.

yesterday i went to a neuroscience congress to see if i like it and i didnt. too shallow. too much ai talk. not going. im going to dedicate myself to either social or clinical psychology. most likely (i do mean 99% chance) jungian psychoanalysis. ive been doing nothing at all, im nervous about my future and the future in general and everything ever.  

i dont wanna be a psychologist.

halloweek

 finally got my ears pierced- a conch on my left, a daith and tragus on my right. which i very quickly found was not a good idea for a person who wears earphones. the daith and tragus were pierced wrong so i got them done again and the former got infected. already took care of it. my hair is coming into a bob after a year of tight buzzcuts, i stretched my ears to a 6g in one go which i realized is not ideal but theyre doing quite ok. last wednesday i got fillers on my front torso to make it look more full and got my chest done in a balconette/shelf bra type thing. cobwebs. i feel very happy with them. the experience was very nice, i love my artist and im always very happy to be there. the shop itself is beautiful and the people are charming. the first time i ever went there was almost a year ago and all i want is to work there or get it to be a part of my routine.

i wanted to watch the substance and i will since i do have access to mubi and its coming out on the 31st of octuber. yesterday i went to a halloween party and did violet chachki but nobody got it so i just said i went as the undertaker. i did dark makeup, 9 inch heelsm an 18 inch corset over a little black dress, with a long black wig, floral fishnets, a big black hat with flowers and a veil. 

i have not had a meal in a while. my mom went away for vacation and my father stayed over. he have us the equivalent of 50 dollars to eat for the month. she says she wants to blow my inheritance on travel. she loves travel. she loves art and military history, european and mexican. im glad shes there. i would love to go to europe. i would love to see art again. this city has wounded me.

i dont think i would want top or bottom surgery anymore since the art and jewelry have made me acclimate in a way. not completely. some semi-drastic weight loss should take care of my chest, i could try to bind the rest into flatness but i would much rather see about the weight loss. the shape would still bother but not to a point that i couldnt live with. i would love nullification but the repercussions hormonally would probably end up making me live about 60 years less and would make me miserable. ive been thinking about plastic surgery but the jewelry has given me some sort of harshness and boldness that makes my body not comfortable but livable. i think ill keep adding rings and gems. im always feminine presenting. more than most people. life is theatre and im doing a drag number.

i felt good yesterday. i wouldve felt better if instead of nature i had prosthetics and my face was leaner and sharper, lower browbones and a slimmer structure. im fine as i am now. i feel okay now that im perfectly covered, at least where it matters. but i dont feel like people like me very much. im normal in real life, normal ish. i think im friendly. people think im scary.