glory! : all the time... ill know

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Wednesday, November 15, 2023

all the time... ill know

i need to get away from this Godforsaken city i am so tired!

i need a piercing and maybe a tattoo. i need to go someplace far, far away where nobody could possibly recognize me or ask who i am or care about me. i wish i could leave. small, tiny little town or huge metropolis the size of texas. im so lonely here. id rather be alone and lonely. this could be achieved. i need to get away from my parents, i feel like im being dulled out by their presence, i feel like im being dilluted by living with them and i feel like my youth is being spent in stupid stuff. i want to get drunk with my friends. i really really want to get a setpum and a big tattoo on my ribs. i want to have long hair and dye it black or silver and i want to do my makeup really weird. i want to do big black eyeliner and maybe someday buy a motorcycle. i want to destroy everything i think i know about myself. i wish i was less alone. i feel like nobody here truly gets me. even the people i love and respect the most, even the people i understand the most. i feel like i understand everyone a bit too much.am i too sensitive? what could it be?!!

i just need space. maybe if i left for the town my dad grew up in. thats not a terrible idea. but id miss my boyfriend. id miss him too much. and my friends. they do have a target over there and nobody would bother me much. plus, it is in america. its at least half civilized. i need to slum for about a year. i wish i did it before i hit 20. so now. im 19 and i will be 19 until august. i need to get away! maybe a couple of months will do. i think it should. i could take my guitar. they have a piano. i could bring a couple of good books and as long as i have my computer, my phone and my cds ill make it. well, my clothes also. makeup maybe. i dont know what else id like to bring.

i love seeing and watching myself type. sometimes record myself typing just out of wanting to see how it looks like. im doing that right now. i really like to just seep into it. i keep watching the screen as i type here, obviously...

anyway. i dont know what to do. i feel trapped here! i want to be trapped somewhere else. someplace pretty.

oh no the light went out!

goodnight

holy heck!!!!

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.