screaming?

 getting jestrum in one month

 Jesus for whatever reason its been like a month and im so blue its crazy. my best friend alecs is here from guadalajara, happy! but ive been blue. its my parents birthday today. both, yeah. i have my boyfriend silk pillowcases and he loved them. its insane everyone is a leo or virgo. super crazy. ive been thinking of dropping everything and leaving to new orleans, becoming some sort of apprentice somewhere. maybe fixing writing machines or something similar. i regret not getting into a proper science or something, or something more humanities.

well. ive been ruminating too much about death and everyone dying, i myself have been feeling suicidal. im going to wear the prom dress i never wore to my birthday party. middle school prom mind you. as well as high school. ZAMN.

i dont know man like i dont know. im in a transition period. been saying this for two years. i started this blog at 19!! and i feel bad for not posting more. i promise ill post more stuff. ive been so lonely for most of my life. so, so much of my life its crazy. all quarantine which for me lasted about three years i had no one to talk to, it was crazy as hell. 

first week fourth semester almost 21, reminiscing and stuff

 i remember my story and i think its at least interesting and at worst whiny. i am in university. as i approached today and saw the sign i felt i was approaching vegas. i dont love it here but im glad im here because i graduated from a degree mill high school with little hopes for the future, a little school in a tiny one-layer mall, underneath a spinning studio and squished between two graveyards. i was there because i couldnt attend school. anorexia and covid had destroyed my body. i wasnt even that skinny by the end of it. my metabolism took a blow for my heart during stupid covid. i felt i was meant to die then and now i drag myself everywhere like i was never supposed to be here.

my first day in college, in a creative major, was spent at relative ease until i found out that the reason why the famous library (which i was not particularly eager to explore, in all honesty) was shut down for the day is because a girl that went to middle school with me died of a heart attack. people made light jokes about it. i saw it as an omen. and it was an omen. i was raped that august by someone i trusted and loved and i stayed right there. 

i went to school and cried, cried and cried. cruel irony, i had been in the real world for less than a month. before that, my life was spent in anorexic half-bliss. working out six or seven hours a day, that summer i drank for the first time. those six months i drank myself half to death every other weekend. i started going out more to ease the guilt from the drinking. i dont think my mind ever recovered from the sludgy, awful horrors of those months. my mind is scattered and i think of it every day. the drive back home. the sugar free chocolates i used to eat, my biweekly trips to the barber salon where they shaved my head clean for five dollars, six if i wanted two lenghts.

the person who violated me is my confidant to this day. another cruel irony. i have no one else, even now. i have good friends but i keep a secret that only this person knows. and whoever reads, but nobody will. i wish i was free to fall in love and begin a normal relationship. it was within the span of that year that i started body modification. i could not stand the sight of myself. now i can, at least. hes still friendly and kind. its fucked up. i guess he never meant it. isnt that just a horrible thing to think?

its been two years and i dropped out and came here, to the next best thing, to study psychology and figure out how to rationalize things. its fun but i wish i was studying something creative or history, my white whale. i guess im happy. im not really, my peers are graduating this damned year. and then what.

its fine. it really is. ill make it out alive unless i dont. i cant care. i care if i go to hell, though. i care an awful lot. im nervous about that, im an impure soul that cant clean itself. im evil and bad. im one of the examples they show in class, the ones they demonize. my heart is broken, my soul is dirty and spent, thirsty for God, no God to hold me.

ill get my teeth fixed this monday. i tried to convince the dentist to give me fangs. not possible. my mouth is small and cant fit bigger teeth. when will i get anything i want. wtf-.

first week of school has been awful and this semester seems to be looking terribly bitter. bittersweet. theres things to do. i dont want to give, but people still take. nobody gives, so i have to take. 

feeling ridiculous. dreaming of my middle school crush and somehow it hurts. everything stupid.

nothing nothing

 i dont want to be anything human and i dont want to be anything at all but a spectre. unfair. i want to be uncorrupted and unchanged by the world and its substances. i curate myself but i cant get that shine. im only young. this has been a hard month for me. i wish i was seductive and beautiful but my core has been strangled and destroyed, i feel so. im so completely plastic i smell like burning hair.

oh my God what the hell now Jesus

i loved someone once. a girl my age. yeah. im not bisexual at all, obviously, but she was all i had. she was the sweetest girl in the whole entire world and i have been thinking about her because after almost five years i talked her again at college. i saw her once when my boyfriend claims he fell in love with me, a cold february day. i thought it was february. i was cruel at wanting to reel him in toy with him, later he was able to puncture me so deeply i bleed harder and more painfully each month. besides the point. that was over three years ago. i was so distraught my him and his apparent devotion. life is funny sometimes. i wish i could live more lives and keep them in my memory so that i could see just how funny it is. itd be fucked up if it wasnt all as funny as mine is and im just gods clown.

scared i might lose a friendship to my all consuming love for them. scared as hell. scared someone may find me

shes the only person i ever thought i loved truly. i love my boyfriend but hes stupid and i dont want to ruin my friendships with my closeness or my relationship with my distance. im so scared of everything.

she and i never could have done anything about anything because we were fourteen and different and i dont think she even liked me all that much but she was so stupidly kind about everything. another girl very similar to my boyfriend, casually perfect and eerily put together. i never even tried anything. i dont like women, but i did like a couple back then. not sexually. i just wanted to be so connected to some people but when i want to be connected like that they dont seem interested. nobody ever seemed too interested until my boyfriend but he never could try earnestly. nobody could.

i wish someone found me interesting enough to ask a question. thats my most perverse fantasy. what a joy to be able to point it out as something im at least ashamed of. i act so unashamed in my day to day that its freeing to just say im absolutely humiliated by everything.

im so scared of everything but i guess fake it until you make it. so far, no good. 

there was a small earthquake today and i got so scared, God. and my stupid boyfriend thought i was overreacting. its different when you have children. my kitty baby cat. i love her. i love all of them. my kennedy. my beautiful gorgeous girl, four years almost five years old. insane. i wanna go to vegas for my 21 but not for the weekend. i want to travel with friends and learn to trust people again. i feel like everyone will wanna rape me. i have a tattoo removal thing in two days for which i need sedation because last time i entered into shock and i passed out. im scared of that even. in a luxury dermatological hospital thing. are you joking. thanks world!

semesters done and tomorrow, monday, no class. but God everything is so annoying all the time. SO ANNOYING ALL THE TIME. i hate my stupid everything.

i watched the beguiled yesterday and oh my God that sofia coppola girl is annoying. not even a girl thats a grown ass woman but still. we get is sexual desire and girlhood. what about we go back to talking about being punished by God and being scared God is gonna punish you and being split between thinking you have bad luck or God is finally punishing you. but everything is so fun about southern gothic. stupid jennifer coolidge who i would die for has the most beautiful gorgeous house ever and i dont. i wish i was snow blonde and had albino white hair and blue-red eyes and my hair was super long. womp womp.

new laptop

 rest in peace beautiful shattering 2019 macbook air. my new macbook pro has arrived. making my country album. got my daith redone and my rook done and school anxiety is getting my ass good but honestly im doing fine. my album is going to be great and im writing short stories and having fun with everything in the world. doing ok with my banjo. better each time. soon i will get my knees tattooed and stuff. been out with friends, made a friend in college. hes very nice and kind. came over last week and we talked about a little romantic venture he had with one of my other friends and about class. someone who understands my own struggle with gender and such. im having a hard time with my boyfriend but im sure it will pass. this spring break im taking him to see my dads home city. beautiful coastal ish city. my parents are wanting to buy a small apartment there since my grandparents are getting old and the house is not gonna go to us. i hope i can go stay there for seasons at a time. i dont love the beach but i do love the city. 

my boyfriends parents got me a vintage desk. i honestly cant even begin to thank them. i got a couple of vintage mirrors and some glassware. im hoping to get a couple nightstands and a bookshelf, paint my room burgundy. just two walls. hang up other stuffs. its all starting to take up shape. 

ive been wanting to fo out fishing and ive been wanting to learn to hunt but i dont think i could ever take an animal life. i barely eat meat and was vegan for many years before my colon almost killed me. even then i kept going for a year until the sixth colonic session in one of my worst flareups. to this day i cant eat meat. i hate it it tastes like it was alive. 

the whole sexual assault and rape subject in classes is still hard to go through but i cant afford to care too much about any of that mess. i need to get through the stupid semester. the memories flood me and i feel weird things i hate. i listen to music and distract myself but ive been easily triggered this month. my period came out black and scarce, but painful all through my chest, back, shoulders and abdomen. my womb felt like a ton of hot coal fitted inside my uterus. i need to take it out and i need top surgery now. ive changed my name socially. hasnt worked but it will. im not even gonna get into the pronouns thing. at least my skin looks super clear these days and my hair is no longer weird. a proper micro bob. right at the cheekbone but still.

i think id find it infinitely easier to end a human life than an animal life. i love those creatures to the ground. i just finished watching fleabag and im currently watching girls. sex and the city too fun i need something bleak with my tiny lunch. maybe something will come to me and make things better for my writing. nothing tragic more like an air of freedom and more money to go to cafés. im going to call local café managers and see if i can go and play some music to advertise myself and get myself out there. i know a couple and im close to the coffee scene or whatever in my city. fun!

my vibe

nazi bitches in congress who wouldve thought

 im sort of in the middle of a huge shift in my life i dont know if id rather do excels for the rest of my life but i sure as hell know i dont wanna be a therapist and i dont know its all splitting me in half. my tattoo went real great and now im planning for some more below the belt piercings. im thinking two rows of three rings, triple barbell up there, a horseshoe right at the front.

i dont know man. 

ive been settling into my gender identity, im more comfortable with queerness than i used to be. im presenting much more feminine and theatrical. my nails and lashes are always dramatic and long. im playing the banjo and guitar still. im always in a dress and heels. my makeup is always done perfectly. 

im seeing cryptopsy very soon! im very, very excited. i feel my relationship is running dry. im running dry. its not fun. never was as fun as i wish it could be but im seriously worried now. my fear of his incoming death stops me from taking rational decisions or ever letting myself be properly angry. the state of the world is worrying to me. so, so horribly worrying. i was never one to worry too much. i feel like a bad friend. im terrified for the future of the world. my college professors do their best to accomodate non binary students or name changes. i am not out yet. but half of them are still conservative catholics. i miss the church and the popes health has me in shambles with worry.

“What I am going to say is not a dogma of faith but my own personal view: I like to think of hell as empty; I hope it is”

single most beautiful thing that has ever been said. when i heard it i was brought to tears. a true man of faith for once at the lead of the church of Christ. i hope to God and pray endlessly for the next pope to be as virtuous.

i hope hell is empty. i hope its not eternal. all of my friends would go to hell and so would i. i dont believe i deserve heaven but a lot of them do. peace for once. please, Lord.

sometimes i feel like the cruelty of the world is too much and there is no stairway to heaven in this horrible place. i feel this may very well be hell. i hope hell isnt worse than this. 

i lie without a twitch and he forces himself on me. not with too much brutishness, i cant do much about it now. i can kiss or move. i look at the blue light from the window and imagine snow outside. i cant care. this was it. ill do whatever for a bit of peace of mind. i dont do much about my life and i need to get to reading or something. 

i miss my friends. i got influenza and wasnt able to go out this week. im so stupidly upset for no reason. i think i may be depressed. ive had like five people tell me im sexually frustrated. including my own prude of a mother. i dont think so. im frustrated in every single other way. i need lip fillers or hair extensions or something. and to fix up my god damned room.

and i do dream of love. i dream of sweet love and holding hands and holding each others heads and hanging by someones shoulders, someone truly beautiful i feel connected to not just familiar. i wake up and i guess what i have is fine. im sure gonna sound stupid if something happened to him and i lose everything i ever had then. i can only appreciate him in the context of losing him. but im unhappy now. ill be unhappier with nothing. without him i dont know where i would go again. 

see how stupid i can be?

david lynch

 he passed two weeks ago. he was a father to me, his worlds were a home i never left. its weird. i got the call in my car before getting my nails done and i bawled in my car. i dont wanna talk much about it, just a little, im devastated and i had to wait a while just to mention it.

 the night before he passed i had a dream of an effeminate little boy. filmed just like his lingering scenes with that orange green tone. he lived with his mom who loved him but feared for him. it seemed to be cold ontario or oregon and he had this big red jacket. i remember murmurs in the town about some cat scratch fever or something that was spreading, it was contagious. half quarantine. the boy fell with the fever and in his dreary haze he went downstairs. his mom owned a printing shop or a stationary shop something like that and he was a huge fan of marilyn monroe. he went downstairs to fetch a poster he had drawn of marilyn and his mom was sitting on a couch by the door. he got scared, thought that he was getting scolded since it was so late. as he turned for the stairs he heard marilyns voice and she had turned into marilyn monroe, he was starstruck, face plumped with the glow. in a blink she turned into a barn owl and attacked him.

lynch i think is the single greatest artist of our generation and generations past. such magic never to be replicated. the beauty and unabashed, unashamed dedication to his art has always inspired me. not for a second did he succumb to conventions, to anything but the world he could see but we couldnt. i am devastated but so thankful.

we watched eraserhead last weekend and it left us all silent and sleepless. we have been watching twin peaks for six months. it puts us all down. i felt he understood me, i felt as if we could have had a nice chat over coffee. what a privilege but what a loss. i wish i could talk to him. i am always happy to put on his movies or some soundtrack. i wonder when he will come back and in what shape, but something tells me he wont. he is off somewhere nice. 

i will always remember lynch, everyday i think of him, everyday. me and so many others. rest in peace.

there i am

i wasnt but i was and it felt horrible. ive chronicled every aspect of it in my mind, all my notebooks, scattered everywhere, it stains every cup and can and cigarette. its smeared over my body like shit and mud. i thought id be safe, from myself, from him, in his arms, he was stupid, not malevolent, i wanted to die.

i cant carry my classes through mentions of anything sexual. i cant. ill tell my professors that. i cant miss another year but i cant find help. i loathe him. if he died i would kill myself and he didnt do anything wrong. only in that aspect of my life. i want to get our old love back, my hair is now down to my jaw. 

then i try to leave and i think of him with someone else and im still dirty and haggard. i think of him explaining our breakup to some other girl and her telling her i was abusive and immature. i get back with him and apologize. ill never love again. be with anyone, more like. 

ive been thinking i may not be asexual but traumatized after all and that my mother always mentioned i was always very sexual and maybe it is true but i wanted to rip those things out of me. its a power i always felt would bend me backwards towards evil and instead of helping my earth a guide so it could have a chance at growing up he ran over it with his car. ill never have it again. God makes fun of me. he gives me this dirt so i am never sinless then breaks apart any kind of satisfaction or happiness or anything i can get from it. i was drunk, first time ever no less. and i have drank so much since then. never blackout, i am forgetful. i came home and drank hoping id forget by tomorrow, it didnt work, i wanted to die, i cried all week and he did it again. i cried in front of him. i have pictures, i looked like i had died five minutes ago.

i wanted a happy relationship and a happy marriage. ill never have sex, i want to remain chaste all my life. i dont want to be defiled more than i was and am. freud said everyone was a hypocrite when it came to sex. marilyn manson said youll never cover up what you did in a dress. i wanted true love for the first time in my life. i still felt some way that i was, in some way, i was still would resign. that night i knew it was over, years will go by and im stuck in that room God decided to forsake me in trying to not make eye contact, picking up trinkets, smashing them against a wall, placing them back in. i wanted to die a million times over, i did, not in any way i liked at all. ive never been done. why could this one thing not be normal. just this one thing. ill never feel fine again, i will always be missing something.

i hate him but i need him. i need him but i dont want to. he is sweet and patient but after what he did he should be. he deserves hell and so do i. he mutilated me, he should feed me spoonful by spoonful. fulfill my dreams and desires to distract me from the bleeding. crawl on his knees until theyre gone to my whim. lacking of honor, graceless bastard. i wish my dad would shoot him. i wish he shot me. i wish we all died. he deserves better than me, but by God i did not deserve that. i do not deserve this. we deserve each other now but im stronger yet my cross is shackled to the ground. 

im an unreliable narrator, or a liar, or doomed. two of those three. i cant know, my mind is off and im living to wait, waiting to die, bracing for the next of my loves to be plucked from me.

we all watched eraserhead and i am so embarrassed by every single one of my stupid actions and my stupid face and my stupid clothes. ill never be ok again.

i fancy myself a seductress when im down but im more of a waste of a woman who will do anything for cash or a hit, stripped from all humanity, landed outside with my skirt up and half tweaking outside a gas station shop.

new year

already self sabotaged myself like twice big time but it doesnt matter. i have enough money to make it through the month but no significant treats- i was really hoping i could get a new pen for school. i do need a new laptop and i feel dirty and gross. i cant feel pure again even if i died and came back into a new body. ill always feel bad. i feel disgusting.

classes start tomorrow and ive taken up a bit of mixology to feel less bad about my alcohol consumption. 

im so ashamed of myself, i feel sometimes i should go to confession just in order to feel less bad. i dont know if itll work. ill know it wont. it never has, i always felt so bad. i went looking for a release and nothing ever helped. i cut myself, starved, burned, did the things that made me feel bad again, ruined myself, picked at myself, nothing worked. i want to scrub off everything. i want to go back so badly. i cant stand myself, i seek refuge in music and it aids me greatly. i wish it wasnt like this but it is. 

merry christmas and happy new years again

 hello.

im not gonna make this cutesy. merry christmas. a few months from now ill look back onto the date of my journals, letters, posts from this time of year and will feel more christmas spirit than i ever did this week. anyhow.

im in a helltrip with my parents through beautiful bible belt and im not exactly having fun. we went to the aquarium and to the coca cola thing, i felt sick. ive had a piece of chicken, green juice and a slice of pizza in these three days. on christmas eve i was sure i wanted to marry him but now i am not. then again, who am i to chase bigger things? by instinct, it seems my first thought was to say that every time i have done that it has ended up wrong. the fact is i have never tried. only once or twice trying to get a new friend group. ended horribly, i still think about it, i guess you never know. maybe it was my strategy. maybe i need to plan things out better. i cant. hes good, i just feel the world is still my oyster but i know its not.

my heart has been poisoned by cynicism. its all ive ever known. i was so bitter as a child. i feel im condemned to go outside for a cigarette and get bored of nature, or draw myself a hot bath and get bored 5 minutes after the fact. i feel im doomed to always be bored and miserable. i know that after a year and change, if someone has read this far, i should have gone to a shrink or something. i wont, i cant trust these people with my secrets, i cant trust myself to tell the full truth either. i cant be fully vulnerable, not even with myself.

not even here. i have this secret i cant say because lest nobody every reads this- nobody i know- im doomed forever. about relationship thing. not the previous secret. its slipped and nobody who could hurt me with it knows besides my mother. she wants to call his mother about it. i dont know if she only hasnt done it because she doesnt have the balls to do it or because she really couldnt care less. i think she thinks i was exaggerating. again, over. i will never retrieve myself. ive always wanted this person and this person circles around me like a vulture. 

my dear mother got me a beautiful glittery shimmering fountain pen for christmas the color of caramel. its so beautiful. ive been getting into the hobby. my beautiful boyfriend got me a cigarette holder and an old case from a perfume i adore.

and i know we cant have each other even if the circumstances were right because if they were i would want them gone. i wouldnt have them touch me, at all. i just wanted to feel special again, i know that. i want to infiltrate their dreams and drive them to insanity. but my feelings are mostly pure. again, following me around and haunting me. 

i watched nosferatu today, the 1979 version of it. i was so excited about watching eggers version opening night but ill be in fuckass memphis. i cant watch it here because my stupid ass forgot my glasses. i did that on some purpose because i promised to watch it with him. i regret my decision now. poor dracula wants love. the absence of love is the most abject pain, he says. stupid mina says that only one can save himself. he is tricked and seduced by her. albeit he was already completely obsessed with her. she does this in order to keep him by his bed until the sunrises and they both fade into nothingness. not fun. ive always wanted some nosferatu film where evil reigns, on some part, where the heroine is corrupted. love is corrupting. where the virginal status of mina is exchanged, where she chooses to live deliciously, say. not like twilight. differently. i think thats what the audience wants, to see the corruption of a virgin as to feel justified in their own perversions and impurities. maybe audience is only me but still.

its such a good movie, i took a little nap and had a strange dream. its so dreary and sparkling, surreal. loved it.

i wish eternal love existed. i wish i could be romantic but how can i be when love involves such gross things. i dont want intimacy to be being able to watch each other go to the bathroom or be able to wake up next to someone with morning breath and loving them nonetheless. i want love to be all consuming, i want to be so deep in it i accidentally die of starvation. i want passion to mean skipping events to enjoy each other. why does love of all things have to be rational and tainted by ugly, disgusting life. why does one have to clip passions wings. i want to be chosen by a strange and special creature and wanted. why do i have to accept the simple and mundane.

i guess im only with him here in this weird and ugly world. in a perfect, clean world it would not be like this. of course i love him deeply, but this is not what i wanted love to be. why is everything so ugly.

at least my gpa is at 3.8 for now. something tells me next semester it will be at 4.

happy holidays

its so easy to laught, its so easy to hate.. it takes guts to be gentle and kind.. over...

 my mother and i's terrible relationship never seemed to have an actual start. i do not know who to blame for my transgressions but i learned them from somewhere. she is cold and selfish, even in her good deeds or seemingly selfless acts she finds a way to create tools for guilting, some way to make people feel like the owe her something. me, specifically. if and when she cooks for me she guilts me. when she cooks for my brother, seemingly everyday, she serves him happily. they spend peaceful time together and im stuck in my room. we cant find room for peace. my jubilee approaching and i cannot do anything about it.

she has a strange moral system. she believes anyone could point me as a bitch and her as a madonna. i want to find peace of mind but i havent known peace. my mother blamed me for her alcoholism saying that buzzing my hair at 16 put her on a downward spiral. yesterday, after a fight, i poured myself some whiskey and headed to my room to listen to music and calm myself down. my father (who wont drink, he cannot tolerate bitter flavors) came up to call me an alcoholic. 

i have never felt tenderness or love from my mother. i cant bring myself to call her cruel, but she is. she is cold hearted and blames me for the wrongs in our family. i wish she beat me senseless or was neurotic to an extent that her cruelty was tangible, but she didnt. not everyday and never to a broken bone. only when i deserved it. i used to be so small, nowadays i dont think i deserved it. but maybe i did. i was only about seven and she was thirty seven then. she calls me spoiled and a brat. i tried to kill myself when i was five. 

i want solidarity but all of my caregivers have beaten me, stabbed me in the back, raped me or abandoned me. maybe its my fault, i am the common denominator. maybe its not. maybe i attract bad people, i am sensitive. i am so sad, i feel like such a failure, i flay myself alive for the masses, i hide in my own draped skin. nothing good has lasted me enough. all bad things greet me in the mornings, cold or warm. 

i cant fix myself and i have mutilated myself horribly, this place will be the end of me and i can just hope for death to bring me back into the body of a little baby brewing in someones womb. i hope im given another chance, i dont know if i deserve one, but even then i would like it if i did. 

im upset and have to be quiet. defiance brings only violence but quiet resignation is also a fight. to her. i dont know what to do. i told her about family therapy but i dont think we can make it work. i know she would rather me never being born at all. she said that once in a drunken haze, in the kitchen when i was maybe sixteen, maybe eighteen, the years burn and blur. she forgot after and accused me of making things up. my father said hed rather me be completely normal and adjusted, even if it meant a complete tearing down of my character and self. i went to my room and cried until i vomited. maybe its my fault, but they made me. iam not to blame, i did not create myself. the things ive created, the mechanisms and programs i built from clay and spit to be kind and quiet have only been room for them to beat, hence destroy. 

i cannot be destroyed, i will always be this and i wish i could delete myself as well. degenerate, as my father called me once. then, he forgot. 

quismoix

 everything is so complicated daughters grow and mothers shrink and i have three finals. and then its christmas break. i spent all day today rearraging my room and moving my things, fantasizing about things i wanna buy. a beautiful set of headboard and nightstands, desk, a table for my bed, i would love an amazon echo. i want a big house. for chrismas, i want to be peaceful as all hell. i want one thousand dollars and a pretty new bag. maybe new glasses. im thinking about my aunt diana and my surviving grandmother. im also thinking about christmas. my favorite holiday.

im spending a ton of time with my cat. i wake up to her curled up right beside me, with her little head on my chest and her paws reaching at me. i always pet her and kiss her and cuddle her. she always finds a way to get under the bedcover with me. shes the sweetest. i love playing with her and feeding her treats and carrying her like a baby to look into her big blue eyes. like huge shiny sapphires. i adore her, shes everything to me, shes my girl little and my baby and my everything. maybe im getting fang mods. permanent. just my canines.

im mentally totally checked out of school stuff. my finals will be over soon but i could not care less at all. in my mind my month of rest and relaxation has already started. its only 4pm and its already frosty blue outside but the weather is not too cold sadly. i wish i could wear fuzzy socks and stuff but its not the weather for it. but it is quite cozy. and it looks cold enough. im thinking of clothes and victorian/edwardian whatevers.

theres not much. im get upset then i forget. it is what it is.

alien observer

 ive been in the same place for a year and its been such an awful decade for me. no peace and no single not a thing at all. no creature. no nothing.

been a year since a significant moment, or group of moments in my life. i want to come back home drunk and wake up fresh, i want my parents to love me. i want to feel loved. theres nothing but resentment in this house. maybe black mold in the carpet from all the years. the black mold is the ghost of all that was. im the ghost of all that could have been. were all ghosts of the things we miss or want to have around like charms. 

love ghost stories. love nosferatu and coppolas dracula movie. i wish something far more powerful than me was enchanted and infatuated by me. wish it would pluck me away. to be defined by something so much bigger than me. i wish i could fall into a thick, slapping love. a dense, bashing delirium.

i had to redo my new industrial piercing and i think ill have to do it again. i dont want to but i will. i dont know what else. my jestrum. i want a cigarette, semesters almost over and im doing just fine. im tired and battered and i wish i could redo my teenage years, do them differently. i think ill start doing pilates. i need to take something seriously before all of my youth leaves me and i dont have neuronal elasticity. i dont relate to people. i cant connect.

soon ill get a hint.

halloweek

 finally got my ears pierced- a conch on my left, a daith and tragus on my right. which i very quickly found was not a good idea for a person who wears earphones. the daith and tragus were pierced wrong so i got them done again and the former got infected. already took care of it. my hair is coming into a bob after a year of tight buzzcuts, i stretched my ears to a 6g in one go which i realized is not ideal but theyre doing quite ok. last wednesday i got fillers on my front torso to make it look more full and got my chest done in a balconette/shelf bra type thing. cobwebs. i feel very happy with them. the experience was very nice, i love my artist and im always very happy to be there. the shop itself is beautiful and the people are charming. the first time i ever went there was almost a year ago and all i want is to work there or get it to be a part of my routine.

i wanted to watch the substance and i will since i do have access to mubi and its coming out on the 31st of octuber. yesterday i went to a halloween party and did violet chachki but nobody got it so i just said i went as the undertaker. i did dark makeup, 9 inch heelsm an 18 inch corset over a little black dress, with a long black wig, floral fishnets, a big black hat with flowers and a veil. 

i have not had a meal in a while. my mom went away for vacation and my father stayed over. he have us the equivalent of 50 dollars to eat for the month. she says she wants to blow my inheritance on travel. she loves travel. she loves art and military history, european and mexican. im glad shes there. i would love to go to europe. i would love to see art again. this city has wounded me.

i dont think i would want top or bottom surgery anymore since the art and jewelry have made me acclimate in a way. not completely. some semi-drastic weight loss should take care of my chest, i could try to bind the rest into flatness but i would much rather see about the weight loss. the shape would still bother but not to a point that i couldnt live with. i would love nullification but the repercussions hormonally would probably end up making me live about 60 years less and would make me miserable. ive been thinking about plastic surgery but the jewelry has given me some sort of harshness and boldness that makes my body not comfortable but livable. i think ill keep adding rings and gems. im always feminine presenting. more than most people. life is theatre and im doing a drag number.

i felt good yesterday. i wouldve felt better if instead of nature i had prosthetics and my face was leaner and sharper, lower browbones and a slimmer structure. im fine as i am now. i feel okay now that im perfectly covered, at least where it matters. but i dont feel like people like me very much. im normal in real life, normal ish. i think im friendly. people think im scary.

schooling schooling

ive been trying to apply myself further to my studies. i think ill start working out, been a while. just a bit. hour a day, four or five days a week. working hard. every sin i fall into is just me looking for a dopamine hit and i never get any. my body will block my satisfaction, pleasure, my reward, all because of what i did to it. I wish there was someone to blame. No food, no rest, no love, no nothing. Ive been floating dreamlessly, aimlessly. No company. Im unbroken by the things that have been and could be. Im nothing. 

Autumn is hot and my parents want to go to the carolinas for christmas and i dont want to go with them. Christmas will be hot. I hate this stupid place. I keep wasting my autumns. I keep wasting my life in this stupid place. 

But ive been getting coffee outside. Cold brew, lattes, flat whites, whatever. Yesterday, i went to a local notebook shop and bought five. May get a couple more. I ran out. Theyre my favorites, good quality, good built. I bought some supplies for my notes, ive been spending time on my own, with my cat. ive been trying to put myself through the semester, studying all day. Just yesterday i took 20 pages worth of notes. Today, i will have to do about 30 more. Im tired but i need to get myself together. I wish there was more. I dont want to work out. I hate exercise. Two summers ago i did 7 hours of exercise a day and didnt lose weight. And yes i was counting my calories. My metabolism is down horrible. Theres no food at home, ive been living off bits of cheese and tortilla chips. Ill try. Ill try. Ill try. Im hungry.

hygiene

 i know i think too much about myself but there is not much out there. i think about myself and the nature of things. i dont want to decipher anything because i know that if i wanted to id die disappointed. i think about the whole world. i think about the whole world and how the world works, i try to draw parallels, i try to read and write enough to come up with something, then i shower and moisturize my skin, i plan my schedule for the weekend, i compose my music. i got rid of my acrylics and im playing the guitar. i wonder why im miserable and think of the drinks i will have this weekend. i throw them all back up anyway. im not hungry. i havent eaten in days. my stomach tattoos are doing well and my father wants me to remove all of them. i wont. i got my below the belts done. now i have five. thinking of the consequences of starting my ear setup and thinking of psychology. built a new chart that makes, to me, more complete sense than maslows nonsense. here it goes.

    Hierarchy of Needs … La Pirámide González-Medina

BÁSICOS SUPERVIVENCIA I

Aire, comida, agua, sueño, protección de los elementos

La higiene dentro de la base

función básica corporal 

 Conocimiento que la base es constante 

2.  BÁSICOS SUPERVIVENCIA II

habilidad corporal (capacidad física en cuanto a movimiento, integridad corporal, estabilidad corporal) 

salud general (acceso a variedad de comida, descanso, nutrientes, movilidad, exposición correcta a los exteriores, hidratación y nutrición propia y prolongada)

salud mental (sentimiento de autonomía, percepción fiel, motivación intrínseca, capacidad y habilidad mental/intelectual)

3. BÁSICOS ESTABILIDAD MENTAL I

algún tipo de compañía (no hay aislación)

capacidad de comunicación 

habilidad de descansar y tiempo libre prolongado 

autonomía corporal básica

esperanza

4. BÁSICOS ESTABILIDAD MENTAL II

afiliación y conexión (familiar, amistad)

posibilidad de desahogo emocional (conversacional u otros)

novedad y variedad

hogar propio

control (capacidad de obtener placer)

tener intereses posibles de actualizar

privacidad 

autonomía corporal

5. BÁSICOS DE ESTABILIDAD FÍSICA I

ejercicio propio y rutinario

sueño propio y rutinario 

dieta óptima (cubre necesidades básicas)

higiene propia

6. BÁSICOS DE ESTABILIDAD MENTAL III

conexiones interpersonales profundas/capacidad de relacionarse

propiedad y derecho exclusivo sobre objetos

funciones sexuales básicas (no necesariamente relaciones sexuales interpersonales (masturbación))

autoestima estable

7. AFILIACIÓN E IDENTIDAD

sentimiento de comunidad y pertenencia dentro de una/la comunidad

sentimiento de compañía (relativamente) constante 

sentimiento de identidad individual

relaciones sexuales humano-humano

8. AFILIACIÓN E IDENTIDAD II / TRASCENDENCIA I

sentimiento de competencia

sentimiento de logros

sentimiento de tener impacto/legado

sentimiento de importancia

estabilidad a largo plazo

capacidad de introspección

sentimiento de moralidad y capacidad de ejecutarlo 

9. TRASCENDENCIA II

relaciones y afiliaciones románticas/sexuales estables a largo plazo

conexiones interpersonales profundas/capacidad de relacionarse a largo plazo

círculo social cerrado y organizado estable

sentimiento de ser admirado 

-

i feel that in psychology i have no place. it does not comfort me, i didnt expect it to but i didnt expect it to make me feel more in vain. whatever. i wish i had it in me to be a hedonist but i carry shame and guilt everywhere and have done so since i developed the ability to store memory. what do they know. then again im young and so, so stupid. so stupid. itll pass. i think. everyone says so but i dont think they know exactly what theyre talking about it. maybe i am a fringe case. 

been thinking what else i wanna get done. theres a space right above my swords and right below my breasts, some good real estate. about an inch or two. been thinking on how to fill that out.  been thinking about how much i like living. tenderness and sweetness. also how much i hate things in general. been losing my faith. been thinking about how everything is meaningless, absurd and inconsequential but the suffering that comes from that is real, although it is also meaningless, absurd and inconsequential. and though there is no cure for the suffering, beauty and its pursuit can easily help with coping. and beauty is also meaningless and futile, but suffering feels bad, and the least we can do as hostages is try to not suffer. even if it doesnt mean anything. not everything has to have a meaning. its not about why. if i asked God, he would say why not. things are things and as they are, me and you and everyone were made at the beginning and though our consciousness is cruel and stupid our physical bodies and the energy that flows through and about us will continue without our brain function long after we go, as they did long before we came. how horrible. im not half as intellectual or smart or interesting or deep as id like to be but its stupid to want to be any of that. im a self pitying mess who isnt particularly good at anything nor particularly interesting. i do this, write, to make sense of myself so that i can untangle my mind and walk through it. i want to be free from my brain and scatter my ashes around the world and become nothing so i dont want anything anymore, so that if i was resurrected i would know not to want life and not want anything. and id be walking and resting at the same time. or just die eternally. if i go, do i have to come back? i hope hell is a stupid idea. 

paralyzed

 no matter what i do i feel like im being childish and futile. my desire to paint is childish, my opera persuits are chidlish, my musical persuits are childish, my all of it.

i went out today for coffee and fought with my mom. studied for an exam. nothing else.

goodbye

goodbye 19, goodbye -teen, goodbye. ten to nineteen. the most extravagantly violent changes of the winds tide in this second decade, over now. good bye, good bye. miserable birthday, miserable wrench fixing the clock and making it run, misery of coming of age. i feel like im moving from my childhood home, i feel transfixed. i will spend the rest of my mobile years depicting that decade of my life into art, longing for another shot at redemption, fantasies of forgiveness and innocence restores by the grace and virtue of forgetting, blotting out completely. i started feeling so empty, every wish unfulfilled, every expectations wasted, dreams wasted, summers wasted, never being what i wanted, i never was, so many years wasting away and away, feeling sorry, swallowed by guilt and pity. it is the way things were supposed to go, cruel God made us age, no sin justifies the horrors of aging away into incompetence, ugliness, unglamour, unbeauty, uncognition. nothing i can get will justify the loss of my teenage years, my early adulthood, i will spend time and resources trying to figure out a way to cope.

happy birthday to me.

principle of death

if youre reading this and know me personally stop reading now

-

the genital piercings are doing just fine, perfectly good, might get another one, im thinking anywhere from two to four more. tomorrow im getting my other nipple pierced. i got nose stud. getting my back piece finished by october. been wearing lipstick and satin robes around the house, pearls. been trying my best to feel not normal but extravagant, lascivious. met some friends at school.

my father saw my tattoos and ive being getting got for the past week but we did get to see the new alien movie yesterday. i think things are getting better.

today marks the anniversary of the event ive been being dragged by. this weekend was not very nice. aside from that. i got violently, violently sick and i was not able to go out. i stayed in. hated it.

been feeling horrible, want to peel myself off the face of the earth, this disgusting, uncomfortable dimension. unfathomably ugly.

theres a bug infestation in my closet and around my room. nothing feels right.

today it is his birthday and i dont feel like i love him enough, i dont at all, i feel cold and frigid, i dont want to be but i just am, im hungry, i have not eaten, i want to go home and rest some, i dont want to know anything about anyone. i feel wrong, i feel stupid. i feel impotent and unworthy. i see myself as so unerotic, so deeply wrong and unsettling, like people can smell my bashed purity and my brokeness, my lack of faith and my lack of humanity. i think theres something deeply wrong with me, everywhere i look inside of me is black lungs and rotted, bleeding viscera.

im falling into myself. my desire to annihilate myself and my lack of action weighs on me like nothing else can. i want to erase myself from the world so that everyone forgets me and i take all my things with me, and my room merges with my brothers and my spot in everyones lives is not replaced but blotted out.

i wish we all died. i wish in my next life im a little kitten, i wish we could all be little kittens and pile on each other because were so small and soft and warm and fuzzy. i long for a softer life.

 

melancholy / melody noir / abrázame muy fuerte amor, mantenme así a tu lado

 i miss my best friend- i had not seen him in so long by the time he left the city. not too long ago, but the last time is saw him was only a couple weeks ago. he is a ghost to me now, im sure were ghotsts to each other. sweet, soft memories of pandemic summer. my breezing moon. i wrote a poem about him so long ago. 

he told me that when i got sick he did not know how to be there so he started wearing thumb rings as i used to, and so i now wear mine again in rememberance of him. still there but barely talking. 

such a soft, gentle figure i feared had forgotten about me. i feared that meeting again would be like meeting a stranger. it was not but it was too late. it was the day he told me he would leave, just a week and a half after our first rendevouz.

i listened to california by lana del rey over and over the night he left, i could not see him because he was busy packing. but that last night we spent together we danced and sang and he were in a point of collision so strong, so powerful i thought for a second we could have merged into something permanent. i think we did. i remember him fondly now, everytime i listen to juan gabriels abrazame muy fuerte, every time i pass my his house on my way out of the neighborhood, everytime. i wrote him a poem long ago, when we turned 19. i never showed it to him, i felt we had driften and just thinking about it made me sick.

we could have done it all a thousand times over if i had been just a little more lenient, if i wasnt so afraid. i am so afraid all the time. it keeps me ridden.

im wallowing in the embrace of a friend who has gone, who i hope can stay in touch. i want to stay in touch everyday. in a different life hed be my wife, i told him, id be his man. 

i dont know where to start even, i dont know how to end. i dont know anything im simply trying to defy the odds by letting the soft, sweet melancholy fill my heart and maybe bloom into a run, a run all the way to guadalajara, a run so powerful itll shoot me to the sun and back into the park, the old playset, where we listened to music and spent our time. 

he and i were so parallel all the time, still are, listening to the same music, going through the same motions. i feel we dont even exist. if at death we are categorized by place of inception, we will meet again there. we will meet in september, ill wait home to see him in the holidays, ill be home for the summer. i miss everyone i ever met but i miss him specifically, my soul mate, my lost sibling.

new life breathing through me and i try not to breathe out again. im unrapping my arms in soft winter snow, im missing him so bad, im letting myself take blame for the deficit, im reaching my arms into the stars hoping for him to send back the rest of the lullaby.

till we ride again