glory! : arizona

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Thursday, November 23, 2023

arizona

holiday season started today technically so i was thinking of talking about christmas from when i was ten i think. i mightve been younger.

this was back when my dads side of the family still put a bit of effort into getting together for christmas. we spent the time in arizona. i was not very exited. i liked texas. but the log cabin type hotel thing we stayed at was beautiful. i learned to appreciate americas beauty early on, mostly after this trip. i remember the hotels shop sold crystals and i was obsessed with crystals. i got a little pouch of small pebble-sized crystals. mostly fake, looking back. my brother got some magnets.

i remember the food. dry turkey, cranberry sauce. i never loved thanksgiving-christmas food, not american anyway. but well. it was good. it made me nauseous at the time. and i was starting to despise food in general. but i could handle drink well. i drank hot chocolates and teas. i dont remember how hot chocolate tastes like. it seems so good sometimes. im more of a black americano person nowadays. always have been i think, since my parents allow me to drink it.

i loved the cabin thing. it was a beautiful, ornate yet homely hotel. christmas decoration is one of my favorite things ever when its done right. my grandmas house stands at the border of texas. its small and was made in the 70s. last time we held a christmas gathering there, it was untouched. the kitchen was all golden brown, glossy wood and weird sand colored marble. the christmas lights were draped over the cheap, old christmas tree. nutcrackers. i was obsessed with the nutcracker as a kid. the little ceramic angels sprinkled over the house. santa claus statues over the kitchen and the tables and desks, and these weird statue thingies that are like small christmas scenes that play music and have little lights.

and these

my brother was obsessed with trains so me and my family( i think it was just me, my aunt, my grandmother, my parents and brother) took the polar express grand canyon railway thing.

it was beautiful, it looked gorgeous. the train was beautiful and gleamed warm lights. i love my little brother. i always was protective over him. i always just wanted him to keep being happy and gleeful.

i dont remember much, i just remember how pretty everything was on that train. it was snowing, i had never seen snow until that point in my life. i remember a picture being taken of me and i think an actor who was entertaining on the train, he asked if i was going to show it to my friends. to which i responded that i didnt have any friends. then my mom scolded me for being such a negative little goblin.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.