glory! : everything means nothing to me

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Friday, November 17, 2023

everything means nothing to me

mom i am so tired mom i am so tired mom i am so tired!

i am so sad! im so tired of being so destroyed!

i saw a video of a man saying goodbye to his old cat. i want to die.

life is so beautiful but why is there such a thing as death and pain? i understand its meant to create a contrast between Gods creations but i am so overwhelmed by sadness in a way beauty cant touch. i am overwhelmed by beauty and i cry and it feels good to be a part of something greater than i can even fathom and i love my baby cat and i love my brother.

today i had two conversations with people i dont usually have conversations with. a secretary, older gentleman, at the dermatologists office. at a dermatologists office more like. i went there because i have fungi on a nail because of acrylics. ARGH! anyway he tried to talk me out of studying psychology since he knows a lot of psychologists that are not very successful.

i was already crying because i went into the dermatologists office beforehand and i saw a certificate from a university i wanted to attend before. i am not sure why i cried. im literally going to study there. i just have been through so much to even get where im about to go and its not exactly fair. its not that. its that im tired. its all. i wish things were normal for me. oh well.

anyway he tried telling me i should study for programming if i was smart enough. i dont want to though. i like to talk to people and listen to people. i want to be a psychologist! anyway i went outside and my younger brother was there and we waited for my mom to finish asking about plastic surgery with the doctor and he talked to me about the difference between low and high fantasy, his worldbuilding project, game of thrones and a plan he and friends half cooked in which theyd go out to cabins or rent a place in an isolated area and have fun.

stressful day. i want to cry constantly and im so scared of God. i know its not supposed to be like that. i do understand that this may lead me to not practicing my faith like i should and it may stray me further from his grace but i am scared of God for what he might do to me. i have evil thoughts. i dont think i do evil things but ive been cruel and mean before. im mean spirited i think. i can be so catty.

they say it helps to see God as a father figure who loves you and wants to guide you but my own dad is so easily despaired by me. nobodys perfect but theres not a single part of me thats good. what if im like a small kitty cat suffering from frenetic random activity periods at night since im only a small kitty cat in the spring of my life and God is tired and angry because Hes trying to sleep so He grabs me and shakes me and my little brain gets shaken up and i get upset and Hes upset. im sad just thinking about it.

anyway i feel sick and i desperately want to see my friends tomorrow night but im afraid i wont be able to due to this recent fare up in symptoms. i might kill myself or something. i also need to go to confession. ill go after tomorrow since if i do leave my house tomorrow i might want to get drunk to the point of poisoning and high to the point of ego death and i may want to commit adultery and lie and cheat and steal and i may end up killing someone out of spite, jealousy angst and madness. who knows!

God I promise you i will be good and kind if you let me leave tomorrow and let me be free of stomach ailments! ill be with my friends and be happy and spread love! oh! ohhhhh1!!!

AARRGWHJFANIJNVGSIPE

if i was a cat i would look something like this i think but i wouldnt look so tired. i have a resting :3 face. but yeah. plus thats probably a male id be a female cat.

gottamn!!

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.