nutshell
killing loneliness is such a good song. i love this band. it makes me feel loved by the universe and very warm inside. i wish i lived in the universe it seems ville created just for me to wander and sleep in. like a small manmade habitat for an endangered species to cradle itself. music like a lullaby.
like this
i wanna sleep forever and ever.
i keep thinking about how the color pink is merely an illusion created by the brain. i never loved the color pink. i like some shades of it. never was too much of a fan. i like rose gold, i like dusty and ballerina type pinks. its magenta that the world feeds us. we see pinks.
i see so many things that arent there. i can see the yarns rolling around everything, i see the great net expand and disperse over me and everyone i know and everyone and everything i see and so forth- life is so beautiful. unbearable!
ever since i first used a computer i knew i wanted to spend a lot of time there. i knew i wanted to create a home within the flashing freen 0s and 1s and the flashing RGBs and CMYKs reaching their fingers out to me from the screen and the sounds of my keyboard clicking under my furious typing and the fan running and the automated sound responses like greetings from another world. i had access to it all.
i started listening to metal when i was around ten years old, i couldnt get enough. i got on the family computer, although eventually saved up for an old, beat up laptop, and spent my days typing furiously. it was my most prized earthly good. my friends all wanted phones, i knew that the real window to the other side was inside a computer.
i was on google+, i was on youtube, i was creating my first blogs and my email accounts and looking up music and forums. i loved digging, i loved wikipedia, i always wanted to be an archeologist or a paleontologist. i sure felt like one.
i remember listening to haggard on my old macbook pro, i remember the poor thing heaping bad and heating up on my thighs. reaching out to black metal, then death, progressive rock, my first david bowie video. i remember listening to aurora aksnes and being obsessed from first listen. how i begged my dad for spotify or any streaming service.
i loved looking at cd stores, there was only one i could really go to at the time. i just started collecting. i didnt even have a cd player at the time. mine is about two decades old and had been abandoned for God knows how long. i just loved it all. i loved my small independence. my little life. i wrote and wrote like crazy.
i remember crying over my first electric guitar one christmas. i remember my first power chords.
im so sad now, ive aged so little but so, so, so much. i remember the first time i weighed myself. crying on the stairs because i knew something was wrong with me. id be diagnosed years later, only to figure it was maybe too late.
my hair fell in chunks and i slipped into subconsciousness and slept all day. i played stardew valley all summer. next summer i spent it curled up and waiting for something to happen to me. summer after that, working out and waiting to enter college. this summer, ill be waiting to die. i was always lonely as a child, no real friends. i felt lonely this time. i can feel the it dragging me down to the soil, i know theres already a grave with my name on it. i keep it around, i love it and its waiting for me to twist an ankle running so it can pounce and eat my flesh.
is every year getting shorter? God almighty.
im desperate and mad. is the song over? i remember the first time i ever listened to the smiths, i remember the time of my life where i listened to them the most. i was being surveilled for weeks for a suicide attempt i had failed to do in campus (i KNOW). i was missing out on what few months of high school i was going to have. i was on the swingset, eyes shut and praying to myself, figuring out how to call my best friend without being noticed my guardians, listening to the smiths. after quarantine was over, i was already gone. i missed the starting gun.
No comments:
Post a Comment