glory! : no one is ever going to want me.. :{

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Monday, November 20, 2023

no one is ever going to want me.. :{

oh God im sorry but i kind of do hate men. i hate them. ive always avoided being objectified, ive always wanted to be seen as an equal. i now know i dont want that either. i dont need their approval. i dont really mind what they think of me as an entity. i know they dont mind what i think, for example- thats on an individual level though. i think no man would like to be seen as untouchable by women as a whole. i dont think anyone liked the idea of being untouchable by anyone anyway. point is different

i am handled so rough at home. my dad wont hug me. if he does, he presses me very harshly against his chest and it hurts me. he twists my neck and spine and pets me like a big dog. its not his fault. i feel disgusting. i feel unlovable. i feel like i dont deserve anything. whats more. i feel like i dont deserve anything. im so ashamed of myself for where ive landed at.

i am so cruel. i like him but i feel like im not enough. i feel so inferior. i dont even know if its things he does and says or things i perceive because of my own complexes. im so sad. im going crazy. its like, through introspective, ive accidentally broken myself. i cant trust myself! and im such a cruel person. here i am taking about it again. its like that guy from brand new. im a bad person and deserve to die, thats how he sounds like in every song from devil and God. and he was! good people arent thinking about if theyre evil or not!

im so cruel and evil! im soo cruel and evil! and i know this because my throat is KILLING me my nose is super dry and im in pain! i hope my septum is fine.. i hope i wake up tomorrow and life is so nice and kind and im 12 again and awful, bad, terrible things have happened to me but i cant be paid to care.. and im playing the piano in my pink room and im ok. im listening to like daughters and keaton henson and im ok.

for the life of me i dont know what is going on. i see things and hear things. im doing bad.

God deliver me from suffering..

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.