i miss my best friend- i had not seen him in so long by the time he left the city. not too long ago, but the last time is saw him was only a couple weeks ago. he is a ghost to me now, im sure were ghotsts to each other. sweet, soft memories of pandemic summer. my breezing moon. i wrote a poem about him so long ago.
he told me that when i got sick he did not know how to be there so he started wearing thumb rings as i used to, and so i now wear mine again in rememberance of him. still there but barely talking.
such a soft, gentle figure i feared had forgotten about me. i feared that meeting again would be like meeting a stranger. it was not but it was too late. it was the day he told me he would leave, just a week and a half after our first rendevouz.
i listened to california by lana del rey over and over the night he left, i could not see him because he was busy packing. but that last night we spent together we danced and sang and he were in a point of collision so strong, so powerful i thought for a second we could have merged into something permanent. i think we did. i remember him fondly now, everytime i listen to juan gabriels abrazame muy fuerte, every time i pass my his house on my way out of the neighborhood, everytime. i wrote him a poem long ago, when we turned 19. i never showed it to him, i felt we had driften and just thinking about it made me sick.
we could have done it all a thousand times over if i had been just a little more lenient, if i wasnt so afraid. i am so afraid all the time. it keeps me ridden.
im wallowing in the embrace of a friend who has gone, who i hope can stay in touch. i want to stay in touch everyday. in a different life hed be my wife, i told him, id be his man.
i dont know where to start even, i dont know how to end. i dont know anything im simply trying to defy the odds by letting the soft, sweet melancholy fill my heart and maybe bloom into a run, a run all the way to guadalajara, a run so powerful itll shoot me to the sun and back into the park, the old playset, where we listened to music and spent our time.
he and i were so parallel all the time, still are, listening to the same music, going through the same motions. i feel we dont even exist. if at death we are categorized by place of inception, we will meet again there. we will meet in september, ill wait home to see him in the holidays, ill be home for the summer. i miss everyone i ever met but i miss him specifically, my soul mate, my lost sibling.
new life breathing through me and i try not to breathe out again. im unrapping my arms in soft winter snow, im missing him so bad, im letting myself take blame for the deficit, im reaching my arms into the stars hoping for him to send back the rest of the lullaby.
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