glory! : principle of death

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Monday, August 19, 2024

principle of death

if youre reading this and know me personally stop reading now

the genital piercings are doing just fine, perfectly good, might get another one, im thinking anywhere from two to four more. tomorrow im getting my other nipple pierced. i got nose stud. getting my back piece finished by october. been wearing lipstick and satin robes around the house, pearls. been trying my best to feel not normal but extravagant, lascivious. met some friends at school.

my father saw my tattoos and ive being getting got for the past week but we did get to see the new alien movie yesterday. i think things are getting better.

today marks the anniversary of the event ive been being dragged by. this weekend was not very nice. aside from that. i got violently, violently sick and i was not able to go out. i stayed in. hated it.

been feeling horrible, want to peel myself off the face of the earth, this disgusting, uncomfortable dimension. unfathomably ugly.

theres a bug infestation in my closet and around my room. nothing feels right.

today it is his birthday and i dont feel like i love him enough, i dont at all, i feel cold and frigid, i dont want to be but i just am, im hungry, i have not eaten, i want to go home and rest some, i dont want to know anything about anyone. i feel wrong, i feel stupid. i feel impotent and unworthy. i see myself as so unerotic, so deeply wrong and unsettling, like people can smell my bashed purity and my brokeness, my lack of faith and my lack of humanity. i think theres something deeply wrong with me, everywhere i look inside of me is black lungs and rotted, bleeding viscera.

im falling into myself. my desire to annihilate myself and my lack of action weighs on me like nothing else can. i want to erase myself from the world so that everyone forgets me and i take all my things with me, and my room merges with my brothers and my spot in everyones lives is not replaced but blotted out.

i wish we all died. i wish in my next life im a little kitten, i wish we could all be little kittens and pile on each other because were so small and soft and warm and fuzzy. i long for a softer life.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.