glory! : new laptop

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Tuesday, April 8, 2025

new laptop

rest in peace beautiful shattering 2019 macbook air. my new macbook pro has arrived. making my country album. got my daith redone and my rook done and school anxiety is getting my ass good but honestly im doing fine. my album is going to be great and im writing short stories and having fun with everything in the world. doing ok with my banjo. better each time. soon i will get my knees tattooed and stuff. been out with friends, made a friend in college. hes very nice and kind. came over last week and we talked about a little romantic venture he had with one of my other friends and about class. someone who understands my own struggle with gender and such. im having a hard time with my boyfriend but im sure it will pass. this spring break im taking him to see my dads home city. beautiful coastal ish city. my parents are wanting to buy a small apartment there since my grandparents are getting old and the house is not gonna go to us. i hope i can go stay there for seasons at a time. i dont love the beach but i do love the city.

my boyfriends parents got me a vintage desk. i honestly cant even begin to thank them. i got a couple of vintage mirrors and some glassware. im hoping to get a couple nightstands and a bookshelf, paint my room burgundy. just two walls. hang up other stuffs. its all starting to take up shape.

ive been wanting to fo out fishing and ive been wanting to learn to hunt but i dont think i could ever take an animal life. i barely eat meat and was vegan for many years before my colon almost killed me. even then i kept going for a year until the sixth colonic session in one of my worst flareups. to this day i cant eat meat. i hate it it tastes like it was alive.

the whole sexual assault and rape subject in classes is still hard to go through but i cant afford to care too much about any of that mess. i need to get through the stupid semester. the memories flood me and i feel weird things i hate. i listen to music and distract myself but ive been easily triggered this month. my period came out black and scarce, but painful all through my chest, back, shoulders and abdomen. my womb felt like a ton of hot coal fitted inside my uterus. i need to take it out and i need top surgery now. ive changed my name socially. hasnt worked but it will. im not even gonna get into the pronouns thing. at least my skin looks super clear these days and my hair is no longer weird. a proper micro bob. right at the cheekbone but still.

i think id find it infinitely easier to end a human life than an animal life. i love those creatures to the ground. i just finished watching fleabag and im currently watching girls. sex and the city too fun i need something bleak with my tiny lunch. maybe something will come to me and make things better for my writing. nothing tragic more like an air of freedom and more money to go to cafés. im going to call local café managers and see if i can go and play some music to advertise myself and get myself out there. i know a couple and im close to the coffee scene or whatever in my city. fun!

my vibe

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.