glory! : schooling schooling

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Tuesday, October 8, 2024

schooling schooling

ive been trying to apply myself further to my studies. i think ill start working out, been a while. just a bit. hour a day, four or five days a week. working hard. every sin i fall into is just me looking for a dopamine hit and i never get any. my body will block my satisfaction, pleasure, my reward, all because of what i did to it. I wish there was someone to blame. No food, no rest, no love, no nothing. Ive been floating dreamlessly, aimlessly. No company. Im unbroken by the things that have been and could be. Im nothing.

Autumn is hot and my parents want to go to the carolinas for christmas and i dont want to go with them. Christmas will be hot. I hate this stupid place. I keep wasting my autumns. I keep wasting my life in this stupid place.

But ive been getting coffee outside. Cold brew, lattes, flat whites, whatever. Yesterday, i went to a local notebook shop and bought five. May get a couple more. I ran out. Theyre my favorites, good quality, good built. I bought some supplies for my notes, ive been spending time on my own, with my cat. ive been trying to put myself through the semester, studying all day. Just yesterday i took 20 pages worth of notes. Today, i will have to do about 30 more. Im tired but i need to get myself together. I wish there was more. I dont want to work out. I hate exercise. Two summers ago i did 7 hours of exercise a day and didnt lose weight. And yes i was counting my calories. My metabolism is down horrible. Theres no food at home, ive been living off bits of cheese and tortilla chips. Ill try. Ill try. Ill try. Im hungry.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.