hygiene

 i know i think too much about myself but there is not much out there. i think about myself and the nature of things. i dont want to decipher anything because i know that if i wanted to id die disappointed. i think about the whole world. i think about the whole world and how the world works, i try to draw parallels, i try to read and write enough to come up with something, then i shower and moisturize my skin, i plan my schedule for the weekend, i compose my music. i got rid of my acrylics and im playing the guitar. i wonder why im miserable and think of the drinks i will have this weekend. i throw them all back up anyway. im not hungry. i havent eaten in days. my stomach tattoos are doing well and my father wants me to remove all of them. i wont. i got my below the belts done. now i have five. thinking of the consequences of starting my ear setup and thinking of psychology. built a new chart that makes, to me, more complete sense than maslows nonsense. here it goes.

    Hierarchy of Needs … La Pirámide González-Medina

BÁSICOS SUPERVIVENCIA I

Aire, comida, agua, sueño, protección de los elementos

La higiene dentro de la base

función básica corporal 

 Conocimiento que la base es constante 

2.  BÁSICOS SUPERVIVENCIA II

habilidad corporal (capacidad física en cuanto a movimiento, integridad corporal, estabilidad corporal) 

salud general (acceso a variedad de comida, descanso, nutrientes, movilidad, exposición correcta a los exteriores, hidratación y nutrición propia y prolongada)

salud mental (sentimiento de autonomía, percepción fiel, motivación intrínseca, capacidad y habilidad mental/intelectual)

3. BÁSICOS ESTABILIDAD MENTAL I

algún tipo de compañía (no hay aislación)

capacidad de comunicación 

habilidad de descansar y tiempo libre prolongado 

autonomía corporal básica

esperanza

4. BÁSICOS ESTABILIDAD MENTAL II

afiliación y conexión (familiar, amistad)

posibilidad de desahogo emocional (conversacional u otros)

novedad y variedad

hogar propio

control (capacidad de obtener placer)

tener intereses posibles de actualizar

privacidad 

autonomía corporal

5. BÁSICOS DE ESTABILIDAD FÍSICA I

ejercicio propio y rutinario

sueño propio y rutinario 

dieta óptima (cubre necesidades básicas)

higiene propia

6. BÁSICOS DE ESTABILIDAD MENTAL III

conexiones interpersonales profundas/capacidad de relacionarse

propiedad y derecho exclusivo sobre objetos

funciones sexuales básicas (no necesariamente relaciones sexuales interpersonales (masturbación))

autoestima estable

7. AFILIACIÓN E IDENTIDAD

sentimiento de comunidad y pertenencia dentro de una/la comunidad

sentimiento de compañía (relativamente) constante 

sentimiento de identidad individual

relaciones sexuales humano-humano

8. AFILIACIÓN E IDENTIDAD II / TRASCENDENCIA I

sentimiento de competencia

sentimiento de logros

sentimiento de tener impacto/legado

sentimiento de importancia

estabilidad a largo plazo

capacidad de introspección

sentimiento de moralidad y capacidad de ejecutarlo 

9. TRASCENDENCIA II

relaciones y afiliaciones románticas/sexuales estables a largo plazo

conexiones interpersonales profundas/capacidad de relacionarse a largo plazo

círculo social cerrado y organizado estable

sentimiento de ser admirado 

-

i feel that in psychology i have no place. it does not comfort me, i didnt expect it to but i didnt expect it to make me feel more in vain. whatever. i wish i had it in me to be a hedonist but i carry shame and guilt everywhere and have done so since i developed the ability to store memory. what do they know. then again im young and so, so stupid. so stupid. itll pass. i think. everyone says so but i dont think they know exactly what theyre talking about it. maybe i am a fringe case. 

been thinking what else i wanna get done. theres a space right above my swords and right below my breasts, some good real estate. about an inch or two. been thinking on how to fill that out.  been thinking about how much i like living. tenderness and sweetness. also how much i hate things in general. been losing my faith. been thinking about how everything is meaningless, absurd and inconsequential but the suffering that comes from that is real, although it is also meaningless, absurd and inconsequential. and though there is no cure for the suffering, beauty and its pursuit can easily help with coping. and beauty is also meaningless and futile, but suffering feels bad, and the least we can do as hostages is try to not suffer. even if it doesnt mean anything. not everything has to have a meaning. its not about why. if i asked God, he would say why not. things are things and as they are, me and you and everyone were made at the beginning and though our consciousness is cruel and stupid our physical bodies and the energy that flows through and about us will continue without our brain function long after we go, as they did long before we came. how horrible. im not half as intellectual or smart or interesting or deep as id like to be but its stupid to want to be any of that. im a self pitying mess who isnt particularly good at anything nor particularly interesting. i do this, write, to make sense of myself so that i can untangle my mind and walk through it. i want to be free from my brain and scatter my ashes around the world and become nothing so i dont want anything anymore, so that if i was resurrected i would know not to want life and not want anything. and id be walking and resting at the same time. or just die eternally. if i go, do i have to come back? i hope hell is a stupid idea.