glory! : oh my God what the hell now Jesus

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Monday, May 12, 2025

oh my God what the hell now Jesus

i loved someone once. a girl my age. yeah. im not bisexual at all, obviously, but she was all i had. she was the sweetest girl in the whole entire world and i have been thinking about her because after almost five years i talked her again at college. i saw her once when my boyfriend claims he fell in love with me, a cold february day. i thought it was february. i was cruel at wanting to reel him in toy with him, later he was able to puncture me so deeply i bleed harder and more painfully each month. besides the point. that was over three years ago. i was so distraught my him and his apparent devotion. life is funny sometimes. i wish i could live more lives and keep them in my memory so that i could see just how funny it is. itd be fucked up if it wasnt all as funny as mine is and im just gods clown.

scared i might lose a friendship to my all consuming love for them. scared as hell. scared someone may find me

shes the only person i ever thought i loved truly. i love my boyfriend but hes stupid and i dont want to ruin my friendships with my closeness or my relationship with my distance. im so scared of everything.

she and i never could have done anything about anything because we were fourteen and different and i dont think she even liked me all that much but she was so stupidly kind about everything. another girl very similar to my boyfriend, casually perfect and eerily put together. i never even tried anything. i dont like women, but i did like a couple back then. not sexually. i just wanted to be so connected to some people but when i want to be connected like that they dont seem interested. nobody ever seemed too interested until my boyfriend but he never could try earnestly. nobody could.

i wish someone found me interesting enough to ask a question. thats my most perverse fantasy. what a joy to be able to point it out as something im at least ashamed of. i act so unashamed in my day to day that its freeing to just say im absolutely humiliated by everything.

im so scared of everything but i guess fake it until you make it. so far, no good.

there was a small earthquake today and i got so scared, God. and my stupid boyfriend thought i was overreacting. its different when you have children. my kitty baby cat. i love her. i love all of them. my kennedy. my beautiful gorgeous girl, four years almost five years old. insane. i wanna go to vegas for my 21 but not for the weekend. i want to travel with friends and learn to trust people again. i feel like everyone will wanna rape me. i have a tattoo removal thing in two days for which i need sedation because last time i entered into shock and i passed out. im scared of that even. in a luxury dermatological hospital thing. are you joking. thanks world!

semesters done and tomorrow, monday, no class. but God everything is so annoying all the time. SO ANNOYING ALL THE TIME. i hate my stupid everything.

i watched the beguiled yesterday and oh my God that sofia coppola girl is annoying. not even a girl thats a grown ass woman but still. we get is sexual desire and girlhood. what about we go back to talking about being punished by God and being scared God is gonna punish you and being split between thinking you have bad luck or God is finally punishing you. but everything is so fun about southern gothic. stupid jennifer coolidge who i would die for has the most beautiful gorgeous house ever and i dont. i wish i was snow blonde and had albino white hair and blue-red eyes and my hair was super long. womp womp.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.