glory! : talk to me!

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

talk to me!

one of those days where im so sleepy my eyes burn.

yesterday we talked about bpd in class and they kept saying things that were not very kind. made me feel awful. i went home flipped a coin three times. landed on heads three times and i decided to get a buzzcut again. oh no! fought with my mom all day. oh no!

God i do not know what to do i feel doomed. my college bit is not going very well. i am so so so lethargic. im so tired, i long for sleep so badly, so badly. this is so hard.

i need money, my mom offered me money so i grew my hair out. i just cant, not now. i cant be stressing over combing and taking care and doing my hair and paying premium for it. i wanted to dye it black as i used to but my mom says it is not a good idea. i like how it looks like. cool or neutral black, always liked it. i used to dye it black when i was fourteen, lasted until sixteen. i liked it.

i needed a change. ive been trying to push for a piercing or something but what can i say. i had to take out my right nipple piercing since it was pierced in too deep. ill get it done again soon. im gonna save up for my backpiece, im scared my mom will tell my dad about my tattoos. she will get scared when she sees them. i dont think she expects things this big. anyway. maybe i get handpoke tattoo materials, some ink and needles and whatnot.

im so scared theyre going to kick me out.

i dont know what to do. i feel upset so much of the time.

what to do, what to do.

update

oops they kicked me out

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.