glory! : lust for rest, on God and suffering, shame, being a christian first and catholic second

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Monday, March 18, 2024

lust for rest, on God and suffering, shame, being a christian first and catholic second

i am ashamed of myself and my faults and shortcoming are unacceptable. it is what it is. God sends for us to fear Him and we should.

shame out of inability to abstain from pleasure - food, sex, money, drugs - is as necessary as abstinence from violence and being mean. it is far more necessary to be able to be kind and to give than it is to keep our spirits safe and untouched, but in order to achieve salvation and higher existence we must avoid all pleasure that is material and we must give as much as we can. it does not matter to who. we must give and not wish to receive back.

i am having night terrors, demonic attacks. every night i wake up around 3 to 5 am. i drink water and sleep. i am dreading all life. i am dreading everything.

i put my faith in Christ still. i went to church yesterday and it talked about death and suffering as a way to shred our human skin and be reaped then and carried by the Lord our Father. i am afraid of everything, my sadness envelops me, i am scared for my life, i am sick and tired, im becoming gray.

i need a few months off from anything, i need rest. i sleep for so many hours. i feel so much sorrow, so much shame on my body, soul, intentions, wishes. i wish for more than death, and my longing for death is the only one of my desires that does not torment but cradles me.

as humans we are animals that shit and piss and grow sores and infections, we host parasites and get abused for stupid reasons. we are also beings of light that know how to love out of instinct, not heritage nor through learning. i think im just a sad, sick, filthy animal.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.