glory! : hello march!

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Saturday, March 2, 2024

hello march!

maybe it is my own delusions on the spiritual world that have ruined me?

i fear God too much. maybe i have too much faith. but i dont follow His word to the point i am calm about my salvation, or to be steady im the fact he is not vengeful to me. i try to drill into my head Hos love and compassiom, i fear i am wrong.

im afraid this deprivatiom of my natural life will kill me, it will sow and harvest some cancer inside of my colon or ovaries or brain or bones, i fear my bones will spike up and above my skin, rising like shipwrecks parting the narrowing sea. and i will develop spikes like a cactus, through my face and body. and in my final, darkest hour, novody will approach me to kiss my bone lined hands or nose.

my bloomed asexuality and lack of any real libido for life that will stagger worries me- is the hole i need filling the result of my heavy burden to remain hallow, or if that same impulsion is the hole that needs filling.

my room and general house reeks of this vomit odor. its everywhere, faintly then broadly. im not sure of what may have caused it. maybe one of the cats somehow regurgitated their wet food somewhere hidden. but its unlikely. i drank myself into vomiting tuesday, but it was in the bathroom and i flushed it out. i was at a point of extreme light headedness so i went on and headed downstairs to have a shot and a half of cognac so it would burn and i could at least feel the release of something coming back up. it was violent i did feel better afterwards.

im getting the none so vile tattoo today, then next week the one over my womb, under my bello button. not the same day since im getting them from different artists.

i do not know what is wrong with me.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.