HOWEVER

 i am still so thankful.

today i did fight with my mom. and we had some hangups. then she went out of her way to gift me guitar strings i needed desperately and a harmonica for reasons i dont understand. it was such a sweet gesture, i cried.

a friend of mine is being taken care of by her parents overtime. she has some sort of issue with gastric reflux and theyre flying her out of the country to see a doctor. i felt bad and slightly envious. this disease riddles me and prods me, it has taken my life. and she gets to go on a trip see a doctor because of this acid reflux. i also have acid reflux. it took my teeth. and it takes my voice. i KNOW its not easy business. but i feel so bad since i have this horrible, sick, scary future in front of me because of this horrible illness which feels like a personal attack  (i always was so obsessed with a concave stomach and being under 90 lbs. now i am closer to 100 or a bit more even and im bloated) and it takes so much that it ends me.

but i AM thankful. i am thankful that my parents have money to provide me comfortable sleep and food that i can eat. i am thankful that we are comfortable and as stable as we need to be. i am thankful we sometimes do try to love each other and show each other love. when  we ask each other for affection, i am thankful that sometimes we do try our best to go out of our way (we are often cold) and give it. i love my family, i love my dad even if he is a wall and my mom even if she is so dense. i love my brother to death and back. i love all of them but my brother is shaping up to be such a sweet, sensible man. i am very proud of the type of person he is becoming, truly a fine example of what a human being is. i hope he has kids if he so wants, i hope he finds a good woman because i know hes worried about that. i hope he is never corrupted by worldly forces. and if he does i hope i am still around to get him on the right path. but i hope he finds a great woman who is strong and as sweet as he is so they can grow together and populate the earth with equally good people. he of course has maturing to do, but hes shaping up. i am thankful for them, i am thankful for my angel of a brother, who remains still over the crashing, bawling ocean. i am thankful for my mom, her pieces lost into the deep black sea. but still her plaque stands and her spine is straight. i am thankful for my dad who doesnt face the shore.

i am thankful for my boyfriend above anything, i would die without him. i love him ardently. i dont deserve him, the world doesnt deserve him. he is giving, sacrificing, beautiful as a white lamb and gorgeously, purely, glowingly animalic as if he was coated in clean, soft fur. his breathing like a sleeping kitten. i adore him, i am endlessly devoted, i will do anything to fulfill him and whatever need he harvests, i will feed him my flesh and my bone marrow if he starved, if he craved for it. i would give him everything i have if he needed it. i would shave years off my life so he could go on longer, i will do it all to never be without him. i have known deep sorrows and he has brought me to my bleeding hands and knees on accident but never on purpose. he is everything to me, he is as big as the church. i cannot wait to marry him and sleep beside him, wake up beside him, come home to him, cook his meals and wash his linen with my hands. i love him and i am so thankful for his grace, his bright mind like a gem, his drive, his beauty, his gentle hands. i love him and i am eternally chained to the debts i have to him. i love him and i am thankful about everything he is and has ever been.

we watched interview with a vampire through video call. hes so patient with me. we havent seen each other in days, we spend up to twelve hours in video calls each day. interview with a vampire is one of my favorite movies (no surprise there), we enjoyed it quite a bit. we watched better call saul and talked and talked. today we watched the lobster which he really liked and walked a lot. i am so thankful for today even though its been so rough.

i am thankful for VILLE VALO AND HIS CONTRIBUTION TO MY MUSIC CANON. i am thankful for NEON NOIR AND ALSO ALL OF THE HIM DISCOGRAPHY. i am thankful for lana del rey and nicole dollanganger for making me the person i am (oops!) and to DAVID "BOWIE" JONES for making me into the woman i grew to be and for being my father superior I MISS YOU STILL. to pat benatar, pj harvey and joan jett for making me into a woman in the first place. i am thankful to LORD WORM and the entirety of CRYPTOPSY for NONE SO VILE AND WHISPER SUPREMACY and BLASPHEMY MADE FLESH NONE SO VILE BEST DEATH METAL ALBUM. i am thankful and forever grieving PELLE OHLIN for his contribution to BLACK METAL with his bands MORBID and MAYHEM. i am thankful and forever grieving  QUORTHON who is BACK IN THE FLESH I CARRY.  YOUR LEGACY WILL LIVE ON. i am thankful to LEONARD COHEN. i am thankful for the girlies at AGRICULTURE. to BATUSHKA. to DARKTHRONE. to EMPEROR and IMMORTAL. to GEORGE "CORPSEGRINDER" FISHER and the entirety of CANNIBAL CORPSE. to the people over at DEATH now DEATH TO ALL. to MUSIC! TO MUSIC AND ART! TO MY OPERA TEACHER.

i am thankful for the virility i have left, the vitality. the beating of my heart is deeper and than most peoples, it is engraved into the earth. i have been here forever. i am thankful for my bed and my body that has stood torture like no other, and crawling broken and limp but standing still.

i am thankful to Jesus Christ who died for our sins and LORD FATHER GOD who send us His Son for our salvation and to THEOTOKOS HOLY MOTHER of Christ AVE MARIA REGINA MATER, SANCTISSIMA ET PURA, DULCIS ET MISERICORS. 

i am thankful for all of the world. my beautiful cats sidney, delfina, kennedy and darcy. my future cats and my future little pets. my house. my city. my hopefully future place i will live in. whatever happens to me. forever thankful.