however..

 ill word this as if this was my last post to comfort myself. depends on the night i have. i plan on drinking some maybe. ill see if i get bold and do it. i dont mind not saying it properly. a lot of people will not understand this statement. my family will know why and the only person close to me will know as well.

i have no one on my side here, nobody understands. i belong someplace else, i was born in the wrong body, wrong species, wrong planet. i was meant to be placed somewhere kinder. i cannot keep holding myself up to the same standards as human beings. im immature and i will never grow any older, i have stumbled into a deep well and my cries for help and aid sound like gushing water to the outside listener. my bones are broken. i was gifted with immortality and put in an iron casket, thrown to the sea. i was forsaken by God it feels. i prayed so hard for guidance and strength. but today i am more lost than i ever have been. weaker. i grew so weak over the past few. im scared of the future. i think i need to make a run for it. they are banging on my door and will soon break it in. i have to choose now, the window or their hands. 

i have to choose now. i am with no hope for the future, i am abandoned to the sake of the wilderness. it is getting darker and the heat is discipating, and the cruelty of the forest wakes at dusk. but i am ready to go into the stars.

HOWEVER

 i am still so thankful.

today i did fight with my mom. and we had some hangups. then she went out of her way to gift me guitar strings i needed desperately and a harmonica for reasons i dont understand. it was such a sweet gesture, i cried.

a friend of mine is being taken care of by her parents overtime. she has some sort of issue with gastric reflux and theyre flying her out of the country to see a doctor. i felt bad and slightly envious. this disease riddles me and prods me, it has taken my life. and she gets to go on a trip see a doctor because of this acid reflux. i also have acid reflux. it took my teeth. and it takes my voice. i KNOW its not easy business. but i feel so bad since i have this horrible, sick, scary future in front of me because of this horrible illness which feels like a personal attack  (i always was so obsessed with a concave stomach and being under 90 lbs. now i am closer to 100 or a bit more even and im bloated) and it takes so much that it ends me.

but i AM thankful. i am thankful that my parents have money to provide me comfortable sleep and food that i can eat. i am thankful that we are comfortable and as stable as we need to be. i am thankful we sometimes do try to love each other and show each other love. when  we ask each other for affection, i am thankful that sometimes we do try our best to go out of our way (we are often cold) and give it. i love my family, i love my dad even if he is a wall and my mom even if she is so dense. i love my brother to death and back. i love all of them but my brother is shaping up to be such a sweet, sensible man. i am very proud of the type of person he is becoming, truly a fine example of what a human being is. i hope he has kids if he so wants, i hope he finds a good woman because i know hes worried about that. i hope he is never corrupted by worldly forces. and if he does i hope i am still around to get him on the right path. but i hope he finds a great woman who is strong and as sweet as he is so they can grow together and populate the earth with equally good people. he of course has maturing to do, but hes shaping up. i am thankful for them, i am thankful for my angel of a brother, who remains still over the crashing, bawling ocean. i am thankful for my mom, her pieces lost into the deep black sea. but still her plaque stands and her spine is straight. i am thankful for my dad who doesnt face the shore.

i am thankful for my boyfriend above anything, i would die without him. i love him ardently. i dont deserve him, the world doesnt deserve him. he is giving, sacrificing, beautiful as a white lamb and gorgeously, purely, glowingly animalic as if he was coated in clean, soft fur. his breathing like a sleeping kitten. i adore him, i am endlessly devoted, i will do anything to fulfill him and whatever need he harvests, i will feed him my flesh and my bone marrow if he starved, if he craved for it. i would give him everything i have if he needed it. i would shave years off my life so he could go on longer, i will do it all to never be without him. i have known deep sorrows and he has brought me to my bleeding hands and knees on accident but never on purpose. he is everything to me, he is as big as the church. i cannot wait to marry him and sleep beside him, wake up beside him, come home to him, cook his meals and wash his linen with my hands. i love him and i am so thankful for his grace, his bright mind like a gem, his drive, his beauty, his gentle hands. i love him and i am eternally chained to the debts i have to him. i love him and i am thankful about everything he is and has ever been.

we watched interview with a vampire through video call. hes so patient with me. we havent seen each other in days, we spend up to twelve hours in video calls each day. interview with a vampire is one of my favorite movies (no surprise there), we enjoyed it quite a bit. we watched better call saul and talked and talked. today we watched the lobster which he really liked and walked a lot. i am so thankful for today even though its been so rough.

i am thankful for VILLE VALO AND HIS CONTRIBUTION TO MY MUSIC CANON. i am thankful for NEON NOIR AND ALSO ALL OF THE HIM DISCOGRAPHY. i am thankful for lana del rey and nicole dollanganger for making me the person i am (oops!) and to DAVID "BOWIE" JONES for making me into the woman i grew to be and for being my father superior I MISS YOU STILL. to pat benatar, pj harvey and joan jett for making me into a woman in the first place. i am thankful to LORD WORM and the entirety of CRYPTOPSY for NONE SO VILE AND WHISPER SUPREMACY and BLASPHEMY MADE FLESH NONE SO VILE BEST DEATH METAL ALBUM. i am thankful and forever grieving PELLE OHLIN for his contribution to BLACK METAL with his bands MORBID and MAYHEM. i am thankful and forever grieving  QUORTHON who is BACK IN THE FLESH I CARRY.  YOUR LEGACY WILL LIVE ON. i am thankful to LEONARD COHEN. i am thankful for the girlies at AGRICULTURE. to BATUSHKA. to DARKTHRONE. to EMPEROR and IMMORTAL. to GEORGE "CORPSEGRINDER" FISHER and the entirety of CANNIBAL CORPSE. to the people over at DEATH now DEATH TO ALL. to MUSIC! TO MUSIC AND ART! TO MY OPERA TEACHER.

i am thankful for the virility i have left, the vitality. the beating of my heart is deeper and than most peoples, it is engraved into the earth. i have been here forever. i am thankful for my bed and my body that has stood torture like no other, and crawling broken and limp but standing still.

i am thankful to Jesus Christ who died for our sins and LORD FATHER GOD who send us His Son for our salvation and to THEOTOKOS HOLY MOTHER of Christ AVE MARIA REGINA MATER, SANCTISSIMA ET PURA, DULCIS ET MISERICORS. 

i am thankful for all of the world. my beautiful cats sidney, delfina, kennedy and darcy. my future cats and my future little pets. my house. my city. my hopefully future place i will live in. whatever happens to me. forever thankful.

about how i wanted a few months off..

they kicked me out. they said if i didnt get psychiatric help they would not help me . i will not be doing that.

OHHHH MYYY GODDDD what am i going to do?

im two years behind on college! i gate ibs! i hate this! meaooww! OHH GOODDDD when will the suffering end.. i will rot in my room. . my parents took my car after a psychotic break i had and also i dont have any money. 15 usd total in my name. no more nothing for anything. i cant leave my house for the foreseeable future.

CHAT WHAT SHOULD I DO.. SAY IN COMMENTS.. WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL..
 

lust for rest, on God and suffering, shame, being a christian first and catholic second

 i am ashamed of myself and my faults and shortcoming are unacceptable. it is what it is. God sends for us to fear Him and we should.

shame out of inability to abstain from pleasure - food, sex, money, drugs - is as necessary as abstinence from violence and being mean. it is far more necessary to be able to be kind and to give than it is to keep our spirits safe and untouched, but in order to achieve salvation and higher existence we must avoid all pleasure that is material and we must give as much as we can. it does not matter to who. we must give and not wish to receive back.

i am having night terrors, demonic attacks. every night i wake up around 3 to 5 am. i drink water and sleep. i am dreading all life. i am dreading everything. 

i put my faith in Christ still. i went to church yesterday and it talked about death and suffering as a way to shred our human skin and be reaped then and carried by the Lord our Father. i am afraid of everything, my sadness envelops me, i am scared for my life, i am sick and tired, im becoming gray.

i need a few months off from anything, i need rest. i sleep for so many hours. i feel so much sorrow, so much shame on my body, soul, intentions, wishes. i wish for more than death, and my longing for death is the only one of my desires that does not torment but cradles me.

as humans we are animals that shit and piss and grow sores and infections, we host parasites and get abused for stupid reasons. we are also beings of light that know how to love out of instinct, not heritage nor through learning. i think im just a sad, sick, filthy animal.

stakes

wondering about how close i am to the day God will strike his final blow. to my jaw or my nose. im so surrendered. i feel terrible. im ill and sad. this heartache is killing me. i wish i was somewhere else. this has been the worst point of my life. im in the depths and i know it can get worse. i know the ways it can get worse but i dont know .

this is a draft from november

talk to me!

 one of those days where im so sleepy my eyes burn.

yesterday we talked about bpd in class and they kept saying things that were not very kind. made me feel awful. i went home flipped a coin three times. landed on heads three times and i decided to get a buzzcut again. oh no! fought with my mom all day. oh no!

God i do not know what to do i feel doomed. my college bit is not going very well. i am so so so lethargic. im so tired, i long for sleep so badly, so badly. this is so hard. 

i need money, my mom offered me money so i grew my hair out. i just cant, not now. i cant be stressing over combing and taking care and doing my hair and paying premium for it. i wanted to dye it black as i used to but my mom says it is not a good idea. i like how it looks like. cool or neutral black, always liked it. i used to dye it black when i was fourteen, lasted until sixteen. i liked it.

i needed a change. ive been trying to push for a piercing or something but what can i say. i had to take out my right nipple piercing since it was pierced in too deep. ill get it done again soon. im gonna save up for my backpiece, im scared my mom will tell my dad about my tattoos. she will get scared when she sees them. i dont think she expects things this big. anyway. maybe i get handpoke tattoo materials, some ink and needles and whatnot. 

im so scared theyre going to kick me out.

i dont know what to do. i feel upset so much of the time. 

what to do, what to do.

-

-

update

oops they kicked me out

REST IN PEACE, PELLE OHLIN

 A dream of another existence

you wish to die
a dream of another world
you pray for death to release the soul.
One must die to find peace inside, you must get eternal
I am a mortal but am I human ?
How beautiful life is now when my time has come
A human destiny but nothing human inside
What will be left of me when I'm dead, there was
nothing when I lived

"What you found was eternal death
no one will ever miss you"

https://pelleohlinmorbidmayhem.blogspot.com/p/pelle-ohlin.html?sc=1709958294999#c6000538350098004394

interesting blog on Pelle "Dead" Ohlin, from Mayhem. rest in peace, angel.

i have a piece of him in my heart or soul. i understand his remorse, his pain.

i wish we could talk, i wish to talk to him. maybe someday, soon. i think- i have decided. i will die soon. bathory/marian stamp tattoo HURT! HURTING STILL! but very worth it. 

i want to get some of Pelles drawing inked into me one day, or a lyric. something less sad. im not into reeincarnation. that would suck. when i die, i do not want to be back. i do devoutly think that if it is real im either him or quorthon. maybe both. i want to be quorthon. he seems like me but i do suffer badly. i have been having stomach issues all day and i went and got a bottle of tamarind flavored vodka. had a glass of wine and now im drunk off the vodka. i am not having the best time. i hope i can make good music. im very drunk right now. i think i could make a very good traditional black metal album, i think i can try to make a new sound, make it be raw and rotted, death from the cold in my room. i hope i can live up to my ancestors. mainly, i think of quorthon, pelle, i think of a blaze in the north in the northern sky. 

my city is never cold, it is gray ash sky and religiously hot. i have experienced the cold however, in starvation. a cold that radiates from my soul and bones into my muscles and flesh. a paleness one can only get by wreckage and decomposition, necrosis. i am now diving right back, starving, bleak. the pain, the meaningless nature of my existence, the apathy of God Yavé.

i hope i can achieve the beauty of their creations, i wish to be possessed by the spirit of black metal, for it to use my throat into screech and my body into shake. i wish to be possessed by medievality, a heavy sword of steel both wielded and housed in my ribs. 

i will be done for by it, not before i can channel it.

rumination will be out after my EPs, which will be tributes by nature, everything i do is tribute. nothing that i do happens in vain.

entering the eternal fire rn

 the realization of meaninglessness and its prominence has done a lot of harm especially now that i realize how meaningless school and work is and how stupid i am for not being able to let go of everything. 

i want to die, i dont think i am getting better ever. if i do, the world will be worse.

i am so sad, everything smells like vomit and everything is affecting me.

tomorrow i get my bathory tattoo though. yay.

drowsy

 i need someone to talk to. i feel misunderstood. the one person i can talk to cannot fit inside of my head. i am in a constant, shriveled, rotted state of longing for grace and dreading whatever vocation i have chosen to indulge myself in. i have fallen into the same patterns i have been subjected to by myself constantly. i am sad and dismayed, i am hurt. i am tired of my body and i feel disconnected to it. i cannot respond to its ugly wishes without then feeling dread and remorse. i cannot eat in peace, i cannot do much more than sleep. i get bored. 

i long and long for beauty like people long for love or money, i long for beauty like i should long for a lover. i long for ascension into a beautiful world where i am at peace and i can draw and sing the glory of God but for His love i cannot do much but 

i dont want to join a monastery, i live in perpetual superficial desire for more and more when i truly just want to lay and rest, and create beauty and consume it, take it into my mouth and feel it sitting warm over my tongue, like an animal finding refuge in a cavern from the downpour. i long to be some form of victorian ghost, to lose my blood and my flesh and walk the earth looking and seeing. i cant taste, i cant feel, i have lost my senses and yet i am automatic in my response to eat and drink and fuck, i have to restrain myself to my bed for a semblance of the serenity i want. i feel like hunger and abstinence from all that moves and can be felt should by definition do good to me, its the natural state of my spirit, yet i have these two sides of me. 

i feel like the part of my that i host, this wretched, sad parasite, moves me and contorts me into a thing i cannot recognize. i feel i must get rid of it but id have to kill it and then where would i live? i feel like the side of my that writes this and does the things i do, the writing and the painting and the playing, is the victim of the disease. the disease that is a rabid creature that cries to me. a baby that i leave inside of a crib to die from starvation, but who cries until it vomits and rots and rots and builds up a foul odor. i feed it my flesh and my blood and sweat only then but it continues wanting from me, and it will continue to do so. i cannot resist the cries, i cannot sleep through it.

i want to be free from the reign of my body, that weeps and wails. because it is an animal that has resided in my home that now growls at me when i dont want to feed it my meals and hollers when i try to push it out of my own home. an animal that i did not choose to house. a daughter i never had. wants and wants and feels like it deserves my sacrifice but it cannot offer me anything i want, gives it to me anyway, makes the hands i hold them in turn black and infected.

this pain is an eternal fire. it is horrible. it is so long and weary. i hate it. i despise this. i want to go. this pain want to scrub off my skin but it is embedded into me deep into my viscera, i must kill it but then i will have to end the possibility for a future i want, i know its never coming, i just cant have it here the way i cant have it anywhere else. its just material and this is the only material i have, one thing in common is  better than none. this lack makes me insane. i need to go.

i pray for death.

hello march!

 maybe it is my own delusions on the spiritual world that have ruined me?

i fear God too much. maybe i have too much faith. but i dont follow His word to the point i am calm about my salvation, or to be steady im the fact he is not vengeful to me. i try to drill into my head Hos love and compassiom, i fear i am wrong. 

im afraid this deprivatiom of my natural life will kill me, it will sow and harvest some cancer inside of my colon or ovaries or brain or bones, i fear my bones will spike up and above my skin, rising like shipwrecks parting the narrowing sea. and i will develop spikes like a cactus, through my face and body. and in my final, darkest hour, novody will approach me to kiss my bone lined hands or nose.

my bloomed asexuality and lack of any real libido for life that will stagger worries me- is the hole i need filling the result of my heavy burden to remain hallow, or if that same impulsion is the hole that needs filling. 

-

my room and general house reeks of this vomit odor. its everywhere, faintly then broadly. im not sure of what may have caused it. maybe one of the cats somehow regurgitated their wet food somewhere hidden. but its unlikely. i drank myself into vomiting tuesday, but it was in the bathroom and i flushed it out. i was at a point of extreme light headedness so i went on and headed downstairs to have a shot and a half of cognac so it would burn and i could at least feel the release of something coming back up. it was violent i did feel better afterwards.

im getting the none so vile tattoo today, then next week the one over my womb, under my bello button. not the same day since im getting them from different artists. 

i do not know what is wrong with me.