glory! : long time no see. again

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Sunday, December 17, 2023

long time no see. again

haii hai hai

its been so tense in my house for a week. the airs been so tight.

ive been doing better health wise as i think i already said. im excited for the change in universities. im excited overall. i feel better in my faith and i feel closer to God in a way. in wednesday i will go to Claudia for guidance. i want to have an appointment with my mom, i feel like the distance between us both has been drifting brutally. i keep thinking of when i was little, my clothes and long hair. we loved going to the movies then to pf changs for dinner. i miss talking to her. she thinks im doing drugs or something. shes blank faced all the time and talks to me as if im disappointed with me.

i feel like everyone in my family almost revels in the fact that im a disappointment. they throw side eyes at each other when i speak or when i come home late (1 am!) from a club or bar. i barely ever get drunk, never been too drunk and i also never have been high. im a good daughter! im smart and kind! my brother speaks big words but nothing ever makes sense. i dont think even he understands his own metaphors.

he doesnt read or play any instruments or draw or paint or anything. its not bad but i dont get why they think im stupid. ive read das kapital! he bought a special edition of the harry potter saga that remains unopen! i mean he has very good qualities to him and i have faults but my main point is that i find it so weird that everyone just likes him and deems him as better when were both equals. if anything at his age i had been more productive.

i love my brother but whenever he has a video call hell steal my guitars and put them on the backdrop. he stole my lord of the rings books which are extremely significant for me. i dont know man. he keeps stealing my stuff. i feel oppressed here.

i went to the club yesterday for the first time and i had a blast. had a shot of flavored vodka. eww! it was very nice. when i came home my brother (i assume its important to say that he is two years younger than me, still in high school) were waiting for me. they feel better than me for no good reason! i had an absolute blast with my friends, it was beautiful. and here they come ruining the night for me.

i woke up feeling guilty. my mom feels superior over me because she went into marriage a virgin. im doing the same but i think she doesnt believe me. i think she doesnt believe me because she 1. needs to feel better than me and 2. i am arduously pro choice and feel like if a teen gets pregnant and her parents dont support her decision to get an abortion financially and in general then its selfish because theyre putting their daughter at risk over their own moral standards. sorry i can have empathy for someone in a situation they kind of put themselves in! we all have done something similar (fuck around, find out).

ahhh!! get me out of here!!

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.