glory! : happy holiday season etc! happy day

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Saturday, December 23, 2023

happy holiday season etc! happy day

got my nails done after God knows how long since i had to take my acrylics off due to covid (boo). did karaoke with my family all night. then we watched vanilla sky and i called my boyfriend for a bit. he travelled overseas, abandoned me. ill be on the east coast these holidays. yay.

my dad is usually cold and distant. yesterday we also did karaoke, my brother was doing elvis impressions. i pulled him in to be with us. today we all sang. i had never heard my mom sing loud, and i had never heard my dad sing at all. we had a good time. really good time.

my dad was trying to sell our old table and chairs on facebook marketplace. the table and chairs we grew up in. we dont eat there anymore. not since i relapsed and since my brother entered high school. i didnt get to say bye. but a woman came and took it, thanked us for our generosity and packed it up. he later revealed he gave the set to them as a gift, she was poor and had lost her husband and her daughters birthday was tomorrow.

God bless.

i had never known him to do something like that. it feels like my dues have been paid. it feels like every small thing i every did was paid back in my dad deciding to gift her our table. i sang a night like this with him, we sang juan gabriel, selena, boticcelli and soad. we sang a lot of songs. mostly elvis. i did mostly backups. im teaching my brother how to sing.

been busy days anyway. planning my next tattoos and re working my spotify. rearranging my room, changed lights. getting ready for the semester.

im getting better, im happier, i think ill make it. i think we all will.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.