GET ME OUR OF HERE

 

in LA. hate it here. looking at the young cashiers, knowing some of them have dreams that will never be. by the time they figure it out, theyll be too old to pursue something else, really. it feels like looking livestock in the eyes. 

me and my family keep having issues. its still tense. im crying everyday. i asked my boyfriend to leave flowers at quorthons grave the other day and he did. im very thankful. at least theres that. im exhausted. ive been in the hotel room all day. i cry so much, constantly. 

schools almost starting. i want permission from my parents to get a tattoo. i know i already have a couple but they dont know that. i want permission for something on my arm, back, legs. i got a set of tiny spoons an ice cream shop. i am not doing much. i want to go look for stuff but i cant! i cant look for stuff.

i saw a beautiful fur coat. a pair of miu miu pumps, red, for 180 usd. a pair of heavily used laboutins. a pair of old yves saint laurent stilettos.

i miss my friends. im tired of my parents. im constantly ignored here. im upset. i want to walk until i fall off the edge of the world. i want to walk away and not pause, just keep walking forever. far from here.

mewwy chwistmas

 

happy holiday season etc! happy day

 got my nails done after God knows how long since i had to take my acrylics off due to covid (boo). did karaoke with my family all night. then we watched vanilla sky and i called my boyfriend for a bit. he travelled overseas, abandoned me. ill be on the east coast these holidays. yay. 

my dad is usually cold and distant. yesterday we also did karaoke, my brother was doing elvis impressions. i pulled him in to be with us. today we all sang. i had never heard my mom sing loud, and i had never heard my dad sing at all. we had a good time. really good time. 

my dad was trying to sell our old table and chairs on facebook marketplace. the table and chairs we grew up in. we dont eat there anymore. not since i relapsed and since my brother entered high school. i didnt get to say bye. but a woman came and took it, thanked us for our generosity and packed it up. he later revealed he gave the set to them as a gift, she was poor and had lost her husband and her daughters birthday was tomorrow.

God bless.

i had never known him to do something like that. it feels like my dues have been paid. it feels like every small thing i every did was paid back in my dad deciding to gift her our table. i sang a night like this with him, we sang juan gabriel, selena, boticcelli and soad. we sang a lot of songs. mostly elvis. i did mostly backups. im teaching my brother how to sing. 

been busy days anyway. planning my next tattoos and re working my spotify. rearranging my room, changed lights. getting ready for the semester. 

im getting better, im happier, i think ill make it. i think we all will. 

HAPPY BDAY RAZORBLADE ROMANCE

 

long time no see. again

 haii hai hai

its been so tense in my house for a week. the airs been so tight.

ive been doing better health wise as i think i already said. im excited for the change in universities. im excited overall. i feel better in my faith and i feel closer to God in a way. in wednesday i will go to Claudia for guidance. i want to have an appointment with my mom, i feel like the distance between us both has been drifting brutally. i keep thinking of when i was little, my clothes and long hair. we loved going to the movies then to pf changs for dinner. i miss talking to her. she thinks im doing drugs or something. shes blank faced all the time and talks to me as if im disappointed with me. 

i feel like everyone in my family almost revels in the fact that im a disappointment. they throw side eyes at each other when i speak or when i come home late (1 am!) from a club or bar. i barely ever get drunk, never been too drunk and i also never have been high. im a good daughter! im smart and kind! my brother speaks big words but nothing ever makes sense. i dont think even he understands his own metaphors. 

he doesnt read or play any instruments or draw or paint or anything. its not bad but i dont get why they think im stupid. ive read das kapital! he bought a special edition of the harry potter saga that remains unopen! i mean he has very good qualities to him and i have faults but my main point is that i find it so weird that everyone just likes him and deems him as better when were both equals. if anything at his age i had been more productive. 

i love my brother but whenever he has a video call hell steal my guitars and put them on the backdrop. he stole my lord of the rings books which are extremely significant for me. i dont know man. he keeps stealing my stuff. i feel oppressed here.

i went to the club yesterday for the first time and i had a blast. had a shot of flavored vodka. eww! it was very nice. when i came home my brother (i assume its important to say that he is two years younger than me, still in high school) were waiting for me. they feel better than me for no good reason! i had an absolute blast with my friends, it was beautiful. and here they come ruining the night for me. 

i woke up feeling guilty. my mom feels superior over me because she went into marriage a virgin. im doing the same but i think she doesnt believe me. i think she doesnt believe me because she 1. needs to feel better than me and 2. i am arduously pro choice and feel like if a teen gets pregnant and her parents dont support her decision to get an abortion financially and in general then its selfish because theyre putting their daughter at risk over their own moral standards. sorry i can have empathy for someone in a situation they kind of put themselves in! we all have done something similar (fuck around, find out).

ahhh!! get me out of here!!

ville valo beautiful man

 otherwordly beautiful. i wish i could achieve that standard of luminosity.

been thinking of restarting my novel. i feel alone here. 

i want more tattoos. my dad will kill me if he found out. i wish my parents loved me like they should. i wish i was a part of a tribe. i had a beautiful time at my boyfriends familys christmas dinner. ill give him his little gift tomorrow maybe. i hope he loves it. i hope he doesnt read this so if youre him look away:

i got him a chanel nail polish. immortelle. lilac, as he likes it. and the top coat for it to last long. he used to do his nails like that but they got damaged. lavander is his favorite color.

i feel so alone. i feel like im crawling on the floor looking for a home. i feel at home alone, but i want a home outside. i feel at home in his arms. i feel at home listening to razorblade romance. he caresses me softly like he would a small animal, like a rabbit or a young cat. he has large hands but a very soft touch. he cups my face and they feel warm. but i have no home.

im afraid hell leave me for a girl with beautiful long hair and clear, bronzed skin. someone he can go out to dinner with. someone whose body is unmarked, maybe has an upper lobe earring and wears a lot of white or pink. someone who uses denim and clean sneakers. i fear im too much for him. i fear hes too much for me. im afraid hes ashamed of me, that he judges me. it eats me alive. i feel impure and gluttonous and evil.  i feel like a hedonist, dirty and soft limbed. soft stomach. 

i feel so ashamed of who i am. i wish i didnt. i guess its what i get.

chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

 chrismas season! feeling. nice.

i am SPENT over the tattoos. im thinking of what ill get next year. been thinking of maybe working part time so i can afford a couple more sessions to make the ones i have look less like a constellation and more like a supernova. just give more structure. as of now, i have two ornamented little circles. one with a chi rho and the other one with a heartagram. i have a st james cross right on my sternum, a small heartagram on my chest and im starting a lower back tramp stamp type. its my biggest one. its a cross with the fleurs de lis. very beautiful. 

i think i will be getting some victorian or barroque ornament up the sides of my abdomen and under by chest. i think ill do the same for my lower back and then on the sides of my thighs. ill plan out my backpiece and sleeves later. hopefully one day ill get my chest and neck done. i want to get medieval looking themes. maybe swords for one of my favorite bands, agriculture. thats were the name of this blog came from.

the tattoo parlor where ive been going, where i got my septum and all of my tattoos, has to be an energy vortex. its such a calming, meditative place. its really gorgeous. its got such a peaceful aura. i cant describe it. 

im going to a new therapist. its more spiritually inclined. my therapist, claudia, says shes from the star cluster pleiades. she says Jesus Christ is from there, and so am i. she said we met in a past life, where i was a monk and so was she. she said i mightve been a nun. it resonates with me. everything she said resonated with me except for the having kids part. she said id for sure have them when 1. im infertile and 2. i am not and have never been even mildly interested in having my own children. i would love to adopt.

ive had very intense spiritual experiences these past weeks. i cant really describe them fully but i have. my digestion is better. everything else.

i need to go to confession tomorrow.

its been really nice. i feel peaceful and generally healthier somehow. im not very worried about anything anymore. i think were going to go to watch a movie soon. me and my family. 

elvis lana unchained melody argh!

i may be stupid. im getting a new one. ive meditated on the placements i can get away with. a heartagram probably. i want to get a fleur de lis and a pentagram soon, and a lower back later on when i have the money to get it done. 

i tried weed the other day and genuinely felt nothing. maybe because i was drunk. i love alcohol. it makes the cold i feel in my bones swell down. my body is warm and im sedated lightly, like taking an anti inflammatory for throat pain. it eases my stomach pains and my head pains and my cold. its fun.

ive been watching elvis last performance. unchained melody. it breaks me. lana del rey, my favorite artist from when i was younger, did a cover recently. it was absolutely beautiful. nothing like her voice. she will go on to be one of the world most important artists of our generation. but man, the elvis cover. its like he knew. 

elvis

its heartbreaking. its so sad. lanas voice is like heaven. i remember when lust for life came out. it changed my life. so did nfr. nowadays i barely listen to anything other than maybe chemtrails over the country club, text book, maybe born to die. for the nostalgia.

gottamn

on the body in relation to the self

 i do not believe in nihilism. i do believe in a sort of lack of real meaning in this life apart from servitude to God and beauty. 

i believe nothing truly matters in regard to matter except for the presence aesthetic beauty and/or divine importance. 

the physical body is but a canvas we have wrapped around our wandering souls. we decorate as we wish and style it as we want. we choose to wear our symbols and display our works. as we walk, feed, grow and decay down, it wears and strains. it is a part of it. the human body is a beautiful machine that is vulnerable and frail.

weak is the flesh. we are to do as ordered. fast and abstain from sexual pleasure and defilement of the self. the self is not the body, the body is a representation of the self. our real job is to create a home for it and make it our own. its our car and garage, so to speak?

i think we also could easily go about our lives as we wish. our body as a car, again. a vehicle to get us to a café, the movie theatre, the bar, a restaurant, the church or the synagogue. the resting place of of an affair, a motel, maybe a sex shop or a dungeon. who knows, do of anything as you will. i want to touch sexual subjects, i think theyre important to talk about. i think i have a unique understanding that some of you might not like. anyway.

it doesnt matter what we do to it. ive heard statements such as that the body has to be returned as it was given to us by God. i do not think so. i think its inevitable for the body to run down. not work out enough, work out too much, not seeing the sun, too much sun, too much food, too little, bad foods, good foods, too much fiber, too much meat. 

more than these examples, which will happen through thime, youll fall from a tree and hurt your hands when you hit the ground. youll also fall and scrape the skin off your knees. youll pick at your dry lips and bleed, youll get into an argument with your brother and get a nasty scar over your brow as a result. youll fall off a bike and get got. it is what it is. 

we cant return the body we were given. we shouldnt see it that way. because we were given this body, not lended this body. i have so many little scars. i have one in my nose, when i got my nose job which i regret more than anything ive ever regretted. i have scars on my thighs and arms because im stupid and not very good at emotional overloads. i have scars on my knees for being insolent and energetic as a child. i have a scar under my chin for being a bit too rushed on the stairs. we all do. 

the body is a gift that can experience lifes pleasures and pains. sickness, good food, bad food and the result of it, kisses, hugs, cuts, bruises, music, sunsets, sunlight, burns. we all will age and get old and wrinkly. and we all will make use of this body and grind it to ashes. its what God intended. get a tattoo or carve a deep cut in the shape of a heart on your thigh, get a piercing, dress weird, get fuckass bangs, grow your hair down to your waist. as you wish. it is yours.

 He gave it to you. its the greatest gift He could ever give you. you can do anything right now. isnt that really nice? the greatest canvas and the widest of all experiences. seek them out while you can, after this life you will never see the sun again, wont ever feel it on your skin again, wont ever eat your favorite soup, kiss your partner, hug your friends, listen to your favorite band and sing to the radio in your car. wont dance to your favorite song again, loud and clear in the club. never get drunk again. never see your body, bleed, shower. enjoy it, good God i will miss it when i have to.

man these are ugly

pentacles

The five pointed star Right side up, represents Masculine energy, it represents, spirit ruling over matter…. Spirit Grounded in duality.

The inverted star represents feminine energy. Matter ruling over spirit, Matter grounded in spirituality.

As above so below.

The physical material this universe is made of, is in essence, feminine. Matter=Mother. The conscious phenomenon is Masculine.

The Matter/feminine is a vessel for the Spirit/masculine

the body, and all living things, are vessels with some type of consciousness.

The senses are what create desire, so the bodily senses are what lead us into temptation, the body is made from matter and is inherently female. It comes into existence, and then it decays, Much like the moon, and much like a womans menstruation . It is inherently “evil” on its own… It begets and begets, but always falls away.

This is why eve is considered the fall of man.

Eve = Evil

Eve = begining

Begining means it was created.

It came forth through desire.

Eve represents many thing, as does the inverted star, we mostly associate the inverted star with Evil, and I dont think most people really understand the bible on a psychological level, but that is just because our physicality and our senses create desire with in us, which we have a very difficult time controlling or understanding. which forces us to live in a “fallen” state. Rather, unsatisfied on a deep level.

This is the tale of indulgence. Eating of the apple. The fall. Feeding into temptation. Gaining surface comfort, and not seeing the correlation with the negative in our life has caused us to just seek oblivion. What ever gets your though the day, coffee, a case of soda, perhaps a line of meth. Being abusive to others because we feel justified… dominating and disrespecting others because we feel entitles to superiority.

So while the inverted star repesents these things I want to clarify what evil truly is.
Evil is selfishness, its instant gratification. When you react to this world how ever you want and take what ever you want, you will pay a price.
When you feed into the Sensual desire of eve or your physical body, with out the guidance of Mind, or Adam, then chances are you are taking that which you have not earned. and Payment is due. The universe works that way. Suffering=growth.

There are two ways to suffer.

One, this being the easiest, Is to simply take what you like when you like it, fly off the handle, You live life by a whim, only doing what you absolutely have to when you have to, and doing what you want when ever, having no discipline or drive, and finding “false” peace in worldly pleasures. Impulsive behavior invites and begets suffering. this is “going against gods will” And you will suffer greatly, in mind. You will become even more impulsive, erratic, and insane. You wont have true peace, and you wont be able to accomplish things of worth. The worst of all, the more you feed into the bodies senses in an un healthy way the stronger the urges become and the more difficult to resist, the less you understand and the more blind you become. Before you know it, you eye hole deep in an addiction, a toxic relationship or your just an asshole of a person, and you dont even know, because your mind is so numbed by the constant indulgence and gratification which is not truly gained, that your completely unaware of the insanity you live in. You think its normal to Have suicidal thoughts, you think its normal to be verbally abusive to your most dear ones. You don’t see anything wrong with doing drugs, or what ever your issue may be.

And then there is daily suffering, a choice made, to suffer now, for prospect of a better future. Choosing to hold your anger and instead speak with compassion to try to fix things, Going to work, even showering and making sure you eat the right things. Doing things like Yoga, to relax your body and increase your health, or Meditation to develop a better quality mind, more focus and higher intelligence. Practicing a non violent diet, as not to contribute to the suffering of millions. Growing your own food, Connecting with and helping others find better ways of living. Encouraging and Influencing the people around you for the better. They aren’t exactly exciting things, they aren’t as entertaining as perhaps, going shopping, or playing games, or watching tv, or doing drugs or having sex. A selfish, undisciplined mind, will revolt at the idea of these things. But in the long run, they develop a peace of mind in a person which can not be taken away.

When you make decisions out of pure desire, you don’t weigh the reality of things. You don’t stop to question the ethics or how it effects your mind, body and this world. Every choice we make influences the world we live in. Everyday we choose to smoke cigarettes or make rude remarks or eat something that’s not food for us, we are destroying are world through impulsive desire. Falling into the temptations of the mind.
Not all thoughts are complete, not all thoughts are reality. Certainly not all thoughts are meant to continue on, but its up to us to get rid of the negative impact our minds have on us. Will Power is our TOOL though many of us thing our thoughts are ours, and we are our thoughts. On the contrary, thoughts are choices. And should be chosen wisely.

So in short, The upside down star collectively has been dubbed, evil or what ever because in the internal workings of the mind, the Feminine, Lucifer, Eve, or as we know it, DESIRE which spawns from the SENSES has caused us to chase after a false state of peace, for we lack the presence of mind it takes to prepare for a better future.

Which is why its important that;

As above so below.

Which is why Man unites with woman. Not literally speaking,

but,

when desire and mind come together, and desire guides mind and Mind Guides desire, creation happens.

When desire over powers mind, destruction comes

when mind over powers desire, chaos springs forth.

But when Desire, Marries Mind, A Christ is born in man.

You have to have the best of both worlds.

As above must be so below.

ophilia gadalayne on quora

tears on tape

 

got them! all three! already planning the next ones.

i want maybe a moth, a sign of mary. 

im high as fuck on drugs.

haii hai :3 haii hai hai haii :3 :3 hai 

i need a planner for the year of 2024 and maybe some clothes but only a couple new pieces.

my tattoo artist was very, very nice and it barely hurt. it turned out beautifully. i loved it. it  wasnt very painful. i was worried sick for the sternum. it was less painful than the hip bone. go figure. wait

its been nice. im high as fuck on drugs. i hit a wax God knows how many times and nothing happened. maybe its because i mixed it with alcohol?  i feel sleepy but only a bit. i usually do. im always at the verge of maybe a nap. 

im very happy. if my parents found out i am done. but they wont. its not like they can check? maybe my mom but shes not invasive. not like that. it was a whole thing. were fine now. i hope it heals nice. im thinking what ill do in the future now that ive taken a plunge (?) and figured out that it really doesnt hurt like i thought it would.

kept hearing people say its more of a pressure type of pain than anything. i cant stand burning or pressing sensations. stinging is more like it, but its mild. when i was around seven i rested my hand on an ants nest and i got stung. it was horrible. it felt nothing like that. it was a fast, sharp, vibrating sensation that only bordered on pain. uncomfortable, very. but only if i focused.

it was fine, really nice. im at my friends house and ive hada good night. maybe.. it isnt.. over.. who knows,

i keep thinking about my family. my aunts, my still living grandma and my passed away grandma. very different people, from what i gather mostly. i keep forgetting details. i never asked my grandma enough questions. i feel like i shouldve. i know some bits of her life but not of herself. i dont know if i am projecting what i mean. i know some things shes done and some things she is but nothing about her tastes

i think thats the most important thing in the world. tastes. what we like and what we do with what we have. music, clothing, anything. everyone does those. i think its the purest projection of what really is within us. its not regulated by the most part. idk