ive been home for a while. my digestion has been so bad lately. i have been doing not much. colonics, very painful. intrusive. i feel less naked with my inks than i did last time i did it. cant wait for my next sessions. but i feel miserable. theres a vision of my doing stuff outside of the house, maybe yoga and parties and boxing classes and french lessons and piano. so much that i cant do. its right outside. i feel awful.
my hair is bothering me. my stomach hurts. i wanna go shopping. i want new earrings. i want new nails, i want my parents to love me, i want someone to talk to, yesterday i had a meeting with a psychoanalyst on zoom and i hated it. i have parasites! im taking an anti parasite drug. i hate it. parasites are my biggest phobia. its not a phobia, its not irrational. hate maggots and im grossed out to an intense amount by parasite stuff. oh my God! youre joking!
backbreaking. im out of my head right now. im not delusional, i think im in purgatory. literally, not metaphorically. maybe God is punishing me. im waiting to die practically. praying the rosary. i broke into a hellish panic attack then remembered i needed to get my ass in church so i did. tons of people. i feel stupid. God i wish i died. im not motivated. maybe its the parasites speaking. my parents left me alone last weekend and i started hallucinating. maybe the parasites are doing some damage to my poor glossy shiny soft pink brain.
new project, eater of worlds, will be releasing. an ep maybe.
OOOHHHHHHH!!1
keep having dreams of my boyfriend being mad at me, like, breaking up with me. being stern and cold. dreams of my parents doing the same. people i like a lot, whose approval i seek.
dreamt of a cougar outside of my room trying to kill me and a regular sized black scorpion annihilating it, tearing it to small pieces.
dreamt of ville valo being irritated at me again.
dreamt of killing myself with a beautiful kitchen knife.
i wanna be with friends! its friday and i wanna get drunk.
No comments:
Post a Comment