oh, ill be free

 i cant hate him but i also think half of my issues about maternity, parenthood and marriage stem from my asexuality and agender identity. 

i canr bring myself to not think its all a sick trap. if they wanted to put a child into me i would fish it out with my hand and crumble its flesh and slurp the blood and liquid off its body, feel as it runs down my chin much like fruit. i would rub it into the gums and teeth of whoever dared challenge me. i would crush the bones between my mollars and sleep on them.

his presence is a haunting presence in my life, so beautiful and rose. i want to be beautiful, i want to fall back and melt into something. i always wanted him to melt onto my feet, hold my calves with bloodied hands and kiss the curve of my feet. kick him off. let him fall back and melt into my chest and clavicles.  i wanted to press on his throat with my fingers. never lay by his side. keep distance. prod. jab, dig.

i hit myself over the counter in my dreams and set fire to the house much as i did in the very first dream i ever remembered. i remember what i was told. my mother who half hates me. my brother, who i love, mommy's little boy, adult and cradled over her side as she berates me. she has a good reason to, ive been nothing but a bothersome bitch. i know that. but so has she. she says i learned my temper from my father, i say i am what she doesnt want to be seen as but ultimately is. everything i do and did. shes done and will do. blood on my robes. i take myself out of the country and drive for miles blasting my rock music, cigarette out the window, sunglasses half covering my face, all i am is what she maybe couldve done, opposite, shes so simple, im something else. 

you or someone else, i am still right here.

i am a narcissist, i am obsessed with my inner world, ive spent my years alone, this is where i go. but ive never tried to use it against others, my misery. only knit the word over and over, knot it into itself to keep myself warm from the cold of the situation. how relieving it is to have a word for it. how i love people. i wake up in a hospital bed and dont even try to fight it. i wake up and the world never stopped, i dont want to play catch-up anymore, i simply want to wake up screaming and then back to sleep, the beat of the machine.