glory! : on tattoo regret! and anxiety! and personal style! and trends! and IN ME DEFENSE

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Sunday, January 7, 2024

on tattoo regret! and anxiety! and personal style! and trends! and IN ME DEFENSE

hi!

so, i have several tattoos and am about to get my boldest one probably ever.

its a lace up on my ribs and waist like a coset, thick ribbon, as if i was pierced and a ribbon was laced through the piercings.

i am doing it, i have thought about it a bit and im going through with it.

i also have a lower back tramp stamp type placement of a medieval cross, i have two ornamented small ones on each hipbone- chi rho and a heartagram- a st james cross on my sternum and a "necklace" heartagram on my chest. i also have a bow on each oh my calves and a small :3 on my right foot.

i know this corset is the most expensive and most unorthodox one so far. im only 19 and these will last me my entire life. i am obviously anxious since now my body isnt a clean slate and i cant do new ideas, and since i had this whole thing about purity that i destroyed by getting tattoos and piercings. later, i noticed that the reason i was so anxious about it and the reason i liked tattoos but wouldnt get them was the same reasons i am anorexic (gasp omg what), more like. its that i wanted to maintain childlike youthfulness on my body and purity as well. i wanted to fit in everywhere and change my style.

so i see the corset as a said and done thing. i feel like i cant turn back now, i think well. what to do now. if i dont like it when im older, if it seems stupid and young. then i saw snitcherys video on her tattoo regrets.

she has heavy japanese style tattoos on her body. so bold that they wouldnt be able to be removed, and theyre all very visible. she spoke about how maybe if tiktok wasnt throwing new "-cores" and trends, then maybe she wouldnt feel as bad. she feels like she isnt as versatile anymore and wishes she could start over, then she maybe wouldnt do them again.

heres my two cents:

i know im young and stupid but when i was 12 i was obsessed with lord of the rings. to the point i wouldve gotten something tattooed. right now i would not get a lord of the rings tattoo. but if i did, i think id cherish it. even if it was big or one of those fuckass micro tattoos that were and still are popular now. even in red ink.

i would still like it and i would not try to take it off because when i was 12 i had a sincere, true love for lord of the rings. i loved earthy elfy things and listened to aurora obsessively and loved going out to climb trees and i loved high fantasy. i was into what tumblr called ethereal at the time, i was into flowers in my hair, i was into growing plants. if i got a thing like this

i would still love it but maybe dread the placement since i have a design for that part of my body specifically. i would cherish it like i would cherish the ring i got when i was at that age. thick and gold. very ugly. but i loved it and cried when i lost it and still mourn it when i think of it.

its interesting, snitcherys point. i think shes right in her own perspective. to me, i feel like when i try to change my style to something trendier, i end up losing myself or feeling like i just am not myself. with my tattoos, i feel like no matter what i wear, i still have touches that are 100% mine. i see them as new extensions of my skin that will grow and wrinkle and fade with me if God wills it. im not a trend follower, i try to stay away from the "tiktok -core" thingies because i feel like im prone to trying to chase after something that is, well. not gonna be me and will never be me, i have never 100% fit into a style no matter how hard i try. now that i dont chase trends and have become unaware, i feel like i 100% fit into a style ive always loved but had been hiding from. a style that i fit into 100%, and no one else can.

as for not regretting a tattoo but regretting tattoos in general. i dont know. i always had the same tastes, i never wanted color and i always wanted simple, timeless or obviously vintage/little bit retro designs (tramp stamp. and the corset thing now that i think of it wouldve ate in the 2007 scene)(and the heartagram(s)). i only ever was into should i get tattoos, which i do want many of, or should i leave my body blank. well. i have always struggled with self image and since i got them i feel better when i take a shower. thats what im going to say about the topic. yes, they will age and look ugly and faded. so will i. and ill be lucky to live long enough so that i see them turn ugly. a comment under a video i saw on the topic said that they got tattoos but now that they have terminal cancer all they wish is that they lived long enough to regret them. if i do, and i turn ugly and faded with time, i think ill say damn! i really shouldve left my body blank! then again i wont like until 90. probably not 60 and maybe not even 50. and if i do, itll be a blessing.

my main point is that yeah maybe i will live to 100 and my tattoos will look bad. so what. im 100 years old. i will also look ugly. at least i got to live to 100! a lot of people with illnesses like mine dont live to see 20. when im 101 and in my deathbed, i wont regret them. quite the opposite, i think ill be glad i got them, that now that my carnal, worldly body will lay down and rest forever, and be consumed by the earth, then ill understand the black blotches on my skin always mattered. but were never a real concern. im almost 20 and it was yesterday that i was 4 and lived at my grandmas house. it was a few hours ago that i finished middle school. it was a few minutes ago that i got expelled from high school and had to figure it out myself. its so fast. these tattoos will turn into blotches in no time, and these blotches will turn into fertilizer even faster.

main point here: its not that serious. never was, never will be. have fun, be happy, be who you are meant to be, not who you want to be. this way, you will never suffer again.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.