i could maybe try to crawl back home, i lack the muscle and a few bones are missing

 

went on a hedonistic cruise when i was sixteen. a cabaret of lights and bones. i got ill from an unknown, strange disease. made me putrid, necrosis on my thighs, arms, face, waist like a tar rash. i hid away but it was found. i was sent away, i had to leave, they made me walk a plank, be pushed out to sea to swim to wherever i belonged. when i come back home, the keys had been changed by force. when i knocked the doot down i found my home had been robbed. distraught and still riding the high, i tried making a list of the things stolen from me. id done what i could to track down my posessions. i wasnt able to until i sobered up. my family heirlooms, gifts from friends, my makeup, my paintings, my bed and my books. all gone. 

my money was gone, my youth was blackened. i tried tor recall where everything went, i tried to remember who took my things even though i knew i wasnt there when i was violated.

i was, i feel it in my body. i can feel it through the walls. i just dont remember. 

i lost my mom, my dad. i want my mom. i call to her but she wont respond anymore. someone is under the dirt. six feet of gravel, less even, maybe its not gravel but dirt. i dont know who is under the earth, likely me. i feel tingles. it has started eating my protein, my neglect, my bones. chewing on my softly. i feel it.

hated for my time away, wouldnt call it that. i wanted to be back so bad but now that i an not beautiful and young, i cant be admitted. i want it so bad it makes me  black and humid inside. it makes me feel dead. makes me wish for the real thing. 

no beauty could save me. it would make me worse.

i did what i could to tame my ugliness, i did what i could to lure beauty, lather it on my skin hoping it would get absorbed. it did not. i tried surrounding myself with quiet, peaceful, beautiful things. it only made the contrast more painful.

i did it all and it wouldnt work for me, nothing couldve saved me. 

i am not from here. the world wont accept me and i wont accept it. too rough and in too soft, my flesh is too soft, i scar so easily. i heal too quick. i jump back fast. im lathering my skin with rose oil and growing my hair and painting my nails, waiting to die.