long time no seethe

 oh God pms got me super suicidal last week and the week before that im back.

ok so where did i leave you? 

im in psychology now, officially signed in and studying. schools hard, very far away. twenty something kilometers. i dont think ive made a mistake when it comes to school or my career of choice but im still working hard to get a tattoo apprenticeship. i considered becoming a mortician for the longest time. 

my car broke down and getting a new one was a whole deal with my family. im still very thankful we can afford one. its very modern and im not used to the whole cameras on the back thing or the screen or button instead of a key. i will get used to it though. my old car was so beautiful, a little black 2013 beetle i loved so much, i used it for a year but it kept turning off in the middle of nowhere and breaking down and the wheels kept doing weird things. im happy we can afford it but im sad to let go of my beetle.

got my bow tattoos! a bit higher than i wish, ill do anklets of stars or thorns. i also got my corset done, it was painful as all hell. the corset was extremely painful at times, about 30 cms long and lasted about 6 hours. 250usd. not bad at all. i got my navel done but i had to have it repierced because the piercer got it crooked, then i had to get a new piece of jewelry because it was too small for the swelling. painful! then i got my nipples pierced and today i had to get one done again because one side was pierced way too deep. painful! hopefully nothing happens. thats that. i also bought a new septum ring. a captive bead titanium ringy thingy. im doing good hope my nipple heals well PRAYING TO GOD INVOKING GOD FOR IT TO HEAL WELL!

yay!

life is fine my period is debilitating my cat is soft and sweet and on my bed right now im going to get a facial and tomorrow classes will kill me. 8:30 am class on saturday will kill me.  but wednesday is for anything i could ever want.

kms. sylvia plath in her journals.

 Yes, my consuming desire is to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, barroom regulars—to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording—all this is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always supposedly in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yes, God, I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night...

im outgoing and personable. im sweet and kind. im pretty and nice. im funny and smart.

im cruel. i hurt people. i am like a boy squeezing a puppy dogs stomach, seeing how far i can bend its limbs before it whines or they break, dropping it on its back. holding a squirrel underwater until it drowns. strangling a duck and watching its eyes fade and turn into beads.

i wish i was normal. i dont think im bad, i think im just cruel and i can always just try to be better, sweeter. i think i will never be. its not my nature, i bare my teeth and bite, see how hard i can clench my jaw with someones hand between my canines. i wish i didnt. if i dont check myself, i will keep doing it. its an instinct.

i wish it was better. i wish i was someones peace. im not. i cant be. im a tidal, a tempest. not in a fun way.

i fucked up

 

during a breakdown i was having i told my mom. about the. um.

should i kill myself.

i find myself at the passengers seat of the tesla, begging my mom to love me. as i have over and over, as i will countless times more.

i went to the dermatologist and cried very hard. i had to leave. tomorrow i start school, im so nervous i could vomit. everything is so blurry.

im in the car as she goes to the dentista office. i sit here waiting for her to come and apologize for making me cry. i wait for her to bring me maybe a hot coffee or a diet coke so we can sit and i can tall to her about my fears and my goals. instead, im expecting her to call my dad so i can come home and they can ruin my life acting like its a consequence of my actions, like i had to now face their punishment as a natural consequence of being stupid, immature and bold.

i wait for her in this car and my face hurts from the visit to the dermatologist and im housing infections inside of my skin and i feel gross. and tomorrow i have classes. and my life is ruined again and i cant ever be happy. im sad about it. i lost an innocence i cant describe. i have a darkness to me i cant get rid off.

im fucked.  i wish i was loved. i deserve mercy this time.

on tattoo regret! and anxiety! and personal style! and trends! and IN ME DEFENSE

hi!

 so, i have several tattoos and am about to get my boldest one probably ever.

its a lace up on my ribs and waist like a coset, thick ribbon, as if i was pierced and a ribbon was laced through the piercings.

i am doing it, i have thought about it a bit and im going through with it.

i also have a lower back tramp stamp type placement of a medieval cross, i have two ornamented small ones on each hipbone- chi rho and a heartagram- a st james cross on my sternum and a "necklace" heartagram on my chest. i also have a bow on each oh my calves and a small :3 on my right foot. 

i know this corset is the most expensive and most unorthodox one so far. im only 19 and these will last me my entire life. i am obviously anxious since now my body isnt a clean slate and i cant do new ideas, and since i had this whole thing about purity that i destroyed by getting tattoos and piercings. later, i noticed that the reason i was so anxious about it and the reason i liked tattoos but wouldnt get them was the same reasons i am anorexic (gasp omg what), more like. its that i wanted to maintain childlike youthfulness on my body and purity as well. i wanted to fit in everywhere and change my style.

so i see the corset as a said and done thing. i feel like i cant turn back now, i think well. what to do now. if i dont like it when im older, if it seems stupid and young.  then i saw snitcherys video on her tattoo regrets.

she has heavy japanese style tattoos on her body. so bold that they wouldnt be able to be removed, and theyre all very visible. she spoke about how maybe if tiktok wasnt throwing new "-cores" and trends, then maybe she wouldnt feel as bad. she feels like she isnt as versatile anymore and wishes she could start over, then she maybe wouldnt do them again. 

heres my two cents:

i know im young and stupid but when i was 12 i was obsessed with lord of the rings. to the point i wouldve gotten something tattooed. right now i would not get a lord of the rings tattoo. but if i did, i think id cherish it. even if it was big or one of those fuckass micro tattoos that were and still are popular now. even in red ink.

i would still like it and i would not try to take it off because when i was 12 i had a sincere, true love for lord of the rings. i loved earthy elfy things and listened to aurora obsessively and loved going out to climb trees and i loved high fantasy. i was into what tumblr called ethereal at the time, i was into flowers in my hair, i was into growing plants. if i got a thing like this

i would still love it but maybe dread the placement since i have a design for that part of my body specifically.  i would cherish it like i would cherish the ring i got when i was at that age. thick and gold. very ugly. but i loved it and cried when i lost it and still mourn it when i think of it. 

its interesting, snitcherys point. i think shes right in her own perspective. to me, i feel like when i try to change my style to something trendier, i end up losing myself or feeling like i just am not myself. with my tattoos, i feel like no matter what i wear, i still have touches that are 100% mine. i see them as new extensions of my skin that will grow and wrinkle and fade with me if God wills it. im not a trend follower, i try to stay away from the "tiktok -core" thingies because i feel like im prone to trying to chase after something that is, well. not gonna be me and will never be me, i have never 100% fit into a style no matter how hard i try. now that i dont chase trends and have become unaware, i feel like i 100% fit into a style ive always loved but had been hiding from. a style that i fit into 100%, and no one else can.

as for not regretting a tattoo but regretting tattoos in general. i dont know. i always had the same tastes, i never wanted color and i always wanted simple, timeless or obviously vintage/little bit retro designs (tramp stamp. and the corset thing now that i think of it wouldve ate in the 2007 scene)(and the heartagram(s)). i only ever was into should i get tattoos, which i do want many of, or should i leave my body blank. well. i have always struggled with self image and since i got them i feel better when i take a shower. thats what im going to say about the topic. yes, they will age and look ugly and faded. so will i. and ill be lucky to live long enough so that i see them turn ugly. a comment under a video i saw on the topic said that they got tattoos but now that they have terminal cancer all they wish is that they lived long enough to regret them. if i do, and i turn ugly and faded with time, i think ill say damn! i really shouldve left my body blank! then again i wont like until 90. probably not 60 and maybe not even 50. and if i do, itll be a blessing.

my main point is that yeah maybe i will live to 100 and my tattoos will look bad. so what. im 100 years old. i will also look ugly. at least i got to live to 100! a lot of people with illnesses like mine dont live to see 20. when im 101 and in my deathbed, i wont regret them. quite the opposite, i think ill be glad i got them, that now that my carnal, worldly body will lay down and rest forever, and be consumed by the earth, then ill understand the black blotches on my skin always mattered. but were never a real concern. im almost 20 and it was yesterday that i was 4 and lived at my grandmas house. it was a few hours ago that i finished middle school. it was a few minutes ago that i got expelled from high school and had to figure it out myself. its so fast. these tattoos will turn into blotches in no time, and these blotches will turn into fertilizer even faster.

main point here: its not that serious. never was, never will be. have fun, be happy, be who you are meant to be, not who you want to be. this way, you will never suffer again.

 

i could maybe try to crawl back home, i lack the muscle and a few bones are missing

 

went on a hedonistic cruise when i was sixteen. a cabaret of lights and bones. i got ill from an unknown, strange disease. made me putrid, necrosis on my thighs, arms, face, waist like a tar rash. i hid away but it was found. i was sent away, i had to leave, they made me walk a plank, be pushed out to sea to swim to wherever i belonged. when i come back home, the keys had been changed by force. when i knocked the doot down i found my home had been robbed. distraught and still riding the high, i tried making a list of the things stolen from me. id done what i could to track down my posessions. i wasnt able to until i sobered up. my family heirlooms, gifts from friends, my makeup, my paintings, my bed and my books. all gone. 

my money was gone, my youth was blackened. i tried tor recall where everything went, i tried to remember who took my things even though i knew i wasnt there when i was violated.

i was, i feel it in my body. i can feel it through the walls. i just dont remember. 

i lost my mom, my dad. i want my mom. i call to her but she wont respond anymore. someone is under the dirt. six feet of gravel, less even, maybe its not gravel but dirt. i dont know who is under the earth, likely me. i feel tingles. it has started eating my protein, my neglect, my bones. chewing on my softly. i feel it.

hated for my time away, wouldnt call it that. i wanted to be back so bad but now that i an not beautiful and young, i cant be admitted. i want it so bad it makes me  black and humid inside. it makes me feel dead. makes me wish for the real thing. 

no beauty could save me. it would make me worse.

i did what i could to tame my ugliness, i did what i could to lure beauty, lather it on my skin hoping it would get absorbed. it did not. i tried surrounding myself with quiet, peaceful, beautiful things. it only made the contrast more painful.

i did it all and it wouldnt work for me, nothing couldve saved me. 

i am not from here. the world wont accept me and i wont accept it. too rough and in too soft, my flesh is too soft, i scar so easily. i heal too quick. i jump back fast. im lathering my skin with rose oil and growing my hair and painting my nails, waiting to die.

i wish i never was

 

your beauty doesnt concern me your beauty diesnt warm me, doesnt comfort mei fear you as they said you said, i say you said of awe i cant stand in awe, i only cradle envymy color has always been green, my favorite, my moss infested pool id love to walk into my small sea, drown out here but i dont have the discipline, get buried. i cant abstain like you told me to, like you said i should. a skill you keep holding over me. i cant. i like being intoxicated, i like my drinks, i like the stingof smoke on my hot mouth, i like going greeni dont look with awe at you or your limbs and parts your beauty makes me scared, your beauty makes it hard to love you you all think youre so much better than me myaura keeps it out, keeps me in enclosures on enclosures like a sarcophagus my jail like a russian doll, my exhibit is a glass box in a glass box in a thousand glass boxes its not clear anymore, in to out or out to in peer in to opal white, yell at me and poke the wall and i will only feel the vibrations. feel the waves from a word.  these things are just distractions arent they- from your beauty. youre tricking me, arent you? i love the promise of a sweet treat at the end of the day, all a trap heres a drawback, no? all a trap? why are you here, why dont you wish to persuade me?  all a trap? are you shaking me off your coat? moving your tongue?  i wish i died i wish i never was born at all i hate you all for thinking youre better than me, they really think so, dont they?

you think i dont think of the things they think, you think such creature is haggard by choice- i am not i wish i could make you believe im beautiful- i am not not trying even, anymore, its not lost on me the sharp nails, my fingers dance over the razorblade, tipping over the edgesflutter over the chrome platforms, the angles i wish i could pierce like it does, i wish i had shine. i ruined it. i faked it. i fake my death and as i smile i feel my beady eyes sink into my skull, my jaw widen, feelhow i dont fit here i an not her i am not you i am rejected by you like stainless steel furrowed into somebodys earlobe, pushed out by the bits that make you up did i make you updid you did we?did you make me up? was it your will to make me crippled? your will to make me ugly? artistic choice? show dont tell?

if youre here, give me new skin for the old ceremony,why wear me down at your own house?make these rocks into sand, may it be,listen to me,listen to me,listen to me,make me beautiful make me light and white make me pure again or i will die and you will not forget me for thats your nature? no? 

all knowing and you know it all then, you knew these words from my mouth before i began so,

i will forget, faith, mine. it will be that. it will. it is now, it is in this code- you will delete each paragraph on me-  you will not forget it still. or resent me, because that is mine- and your point is that youre not me. i am your chalice,  cup runeth over, spills on your lap for a second, dries up and bleeds out