halloweek

 finally got my ears pierced- a conch on my left, a daith and tragus on my right. which i very quickly found was not a good idea for a person who wears earphones. the daith and tragus were pierced wrong so i got them done again and the former got infected. already took care of it. my hair is coming into a bob after a year of tight buzzcuts, i stretched my ears to a 6g in one go which i realized is not ideal but theyre doing quite ok. last wednesday i got fillers on my front torso to make it look more full and got my chest done in a balconette/shelf bra type thing. cobwebs. i feel very happy with them. the experience was very nice, i love my artist and im always very happy to be there. the shop itself is beautiful and the people are charming. the first time i ever went there was almost a year ago and all i want is to work there or get it to be a part of my routine.

i wanted to watch the substance and i will since i do have access to mubi and its coming out on the 31st of octuber. yesterday i went to a halloween party and did violet chachki but nobody got it so i just said i went as the undertaker. i did dark makeup, 9 inch heelsm an 18 inch corset over a little black dress, with a long black wig, floral fishnets, a big black hat with flowers and a veil. 

i have not had a meal in a while. my mom went away for vacation and my father stayed over. he have us the equivalent of 50 dollars to eat for the month. she says she wants to blow my inheritance on travel. she loves travel. she loves art and military history, european and mexican. im glad shes there. i would love to go to europe. i would love to see art again. this city has wounded me.

i dont think i would want top or bottom surgery anymore since the art and jewelry have made me acclimate in a way. not completely. some semi-drastic weight loss should take care of my chest, i could try to bind the rest into flatness but i would much rather see about the weight loss. the shape would still bother but not to a point that i couldnt live with. i would love nullification but the repercussions hormonally would probably end up making me live about 60 years less and would make me miserable. ive been thinking about plastic surgery but the jewelry has given me some sort of harshness and boldness that makes my body not comfortable but livable. i think ill keep adding rings and gems. im always feminine presenting. more than most people. life is theatre and im doing a drag number.

i felt good yesterday. i wouldve felt better if instead of nature i had prosthetics and my face was leaner and sharper, lower browbones and a slimmer structure. im fine as i am now. i feel okay now that im perfectly covered, at least where it matters. but i dont feel like people like me very much. im normal in real life, normal ish. i think im friendly. people think im scary.

RAH

 I KNOW IM ANNOYING LEAVE ME ALONE

this is my place and i can do what i want. i am not this annoying unless im drunk and feeling inferior. God!

i am not going into the woods, there is nothing there for me. Ive been studying for DAYS ive done nothing aside from writing and reading and writing and reading. Man!

Im 20! i get to be pretentious and annoying and young and stupid! i hate feeling low, alone. i hate feeling this. i know im not important and will never be. i know its a stupid pursuit. i know im not unique and i know i know i know but i hate people calling me immature. my youth was stunted then cut it half then i was violated. yes. i was, no longer am or can be. not young, not innocent, too naive, too stupid, too indulgent into myself. then it happened all over again. and i live in my past and i want to go back to my grandmas house and i can but i wont and i want to write a novel and i can but i wont and i live missing and i love missing and ten years passed me by like ten years will pass by and i am alone, knotting myself into a circle, feeling stupid, hearing people call my stupid in their heads, feeling nothing, i want to be someone. 

oct 9

schooling schooling

ive been trying to apply myself further to my studies. i think ill start working out, been a while. just a bit. hour a day, four or five days a week. working hard. every sin i fall into is just me looking for a dopamine hit and i never get any. my body will block my satisfaction, pleasure, my reward, all because of what i did to it. I wish there was someone to blame. No food, no rest, no love, no nothing. Ive been floating dreamlessly, aimlessly. No company. Im unbroken by the things that have been and could be. Im nothing. 

Autumn is hot and my parents want to go to the carolinas for christmas and i dont want to go with them. Christmas will be hot. I hate this stupid place. I keep wasting my autumns. I keep wasting my life in this stupid place. 

But ive been getting coffee outside. Cold brew, lattes, flat whites, whatever. Yesterday, i went to a local notebook shop and bought five. May get a couple more. I ran out. Theyre my favorites, good quality, good built. I bought some supplies for my notes, ive been spending time on my own, with my cat. ive been trying to put myself through the semester, studying all day. Just yesterday i took 20 pages worth of notes. Today, i will have to do about 30 more. Im tired but i need to get myself together. I wish there was more. I dont want to work out. I hate exercise. Two summers ago i did 7 hours of exercise a day and didnt lose weight. And yes i was counting my calories. My metabolism is down horrible. Theres no food at home, ive been living off bits of cheese and tortilla chips. Ill try. Ill try. Ill try. Im hungry.

hygiene

 i know i think too much about myself but there is not much out there. i think about myself and the nature of things. i dont want to decipher anything because i know that if i wanted to id die disappointed. i think about the whole world. i think about the whole world and how the world works, i try to draw parallels, i try to read and write enough to come up with something, then i shower and moisturize my skin, i plan my schedule for the weekend, i compose my music. i got rid of my acrylics and im playing the guitar. i wonder why im miserable and think of the drinks i will have this weekend. i throw them all back up anyway. im not hungry. i havent eaten in days. my stomach tattoos are doing well and my father wants me to remove all of them. i wont. i got my below the belts done. now i have five. thinking of the consequences of starting my ear setup and thinking of psychology. built a new chart that makes, to me, more complete sense than maslows nonsense. here it goes.

    Hierarchy of Needs … La Pirámide González-Medina

BÁSICOS SUPERVIVENCIA I

Aire, comida, agua, sueño, protección de los elementos

La higiene dentro de la base

función básica corporal 

 Conocimiento que la base es constante 

2.  BÁSICOS SUPERVIVENCIA II

habilidad corporal (capacidad física en cuanto a movimiento, integridad corporal, estabilidad corporal) 

salud general (acceso a variedad de comida, descanso, nutrientes, movilidad, exposición correcta a los exteriores, hidratación y nutrición propia y prolongada)

salud mental (sentimiento de autonomía, percepción fiel, motivación intrínseca, capacidad y habilidad mental/intelectual)

3. BÁSICOS ESTABILIDAD MENTAL I

algún tipo de compañía (no hay aislación)

capacidad de comunicación 

habilidad de descansar y tiempo libre prolongado 

autonomía corporal básica

esperanza

4. BÁSICOS ESTABILIDAD MENTAL II

afiliación y conexión (familiar, amistad)

posibilidad de desahogo emocional (conversacional u otros)

novedad y variedad

hogar propio

control (capacidad de obtener placer)

tener intereses posibles de actualizar

privacidad 

autonomía corporal

5. BÁSICOS DE ESTABILIDAD FÍSICA I

ejercicio propio y rutinario

sueño propio y rutinario 

dieta óptima (cubre necesidades básicas)

higiene propia

6. BÁSICOS DE ESTABILIDAD MENTAL III

conexiones interpersonales profundas/capacidad de relacionarse

propiedad y derecho exclusivo sobre objetos

funciones sexuales básicas (no necesariamente relaciones sexuales interpersonales (masturbación))

autoestima estable

7. AFILIACIÓN E IDENTIDAD

sentimiento de comunidad y pertenencia dentro de una/la comunidad

sentimiento de compañía (relativamente) constante 

sentimiento de identidad individual

relaciones sexuales humano-humano

8. AFILIACIÓN E IDENTIDAD II / TRASCENDENCIA I

sentimiento de competencia

sentimiento de logros

sentimiento de tener impacto/legado

sentimiento de importancia

estabilidad a largo plazo

capacidad de introspección

sentimiento de moralidad y capacidad de ejecutarlo 

9. TRASCENDENCIA II

relaciones y afiliaciones románticas/sexuales estables a largo plazo

conexiones interpersonales profundas/capacidad de relacionarse a largo plazo

círculo social cerrado y organizado estable

sentimiento de ser admirado 

-

i feel that in psychology i have no place. it does not comfort me, i didnt expect it to but i didnt expect it to make me feel more in vain. whatever. i wish i had it in me to be a hedonist but i carry shame and guilt everywhere and have done so since i developed the ability to store memory. what do they know. then again im young and so, so stupid. so stupid. itll pass. i think. everyone says so but i dont think they know exactly what theyre talking about it. maybe i am a fringe case. 

been thinking what else i wanna get done. theres a space right above my swords and right below my breasts, some good real estate. about an inch or two. been thinking on how to fill that out.  been thinking about how much i like living. tenderness and sweetness. also how much i hate things in general. been losing my faith. been thinking about how everything is meaningless, absurd and inconsequential but the suffering that comes from that is real, although it is also meaningless, absurd and inconsequential. and though there is no cure for the suffering, beauty and its pursuit can easily help with coping. and beauty is also meaningless and futile, but suffering feels bad, and the least we can do as hostages is try to not suffer. even if it doesnt mean anything. not everything has to have a meaning. its not about why. if i asked God, he would say why not. things are things and as they are, me and you and everyone were made at the beginning and though our consciousness is cruel and stupid our physical bodies and the energy that flows through and about us will continue without our brain function long after we go, as they did long before we came. how horrible. im not half as intellectual or smart or interesting or deep as id like to be but its stupid to want to be any of that. im a self pitying mess who isnt particularly good at anything nor particularly interesting. i do this, write, to make sense of myself so that i can untangle my mind and walk through it. i want to be free from my brain and scatter my ashes around the world and become nothing so i dont want anything anymore, so that if i was resurrected i would know not to want life and not want anything. and id be walking and resting at the same time. or just die eternally. if i go, do i have to come back? i hope hell is a stupid idea.