goodbye

goodbye 19, goodbye -teen, goodbye. ten to nineteen. the most extravagantly violent changes of the winds tide in this second decade, over now. good bye, good bye. miserable birthday, miserable wrench fixing the clock and making it run, misery of coming of age. i feel like im moving from my childhood home, i feel transfixed. i will spend the rest of my mobile years depicting that decade of my life into art, longing for another shot at redemption, fantasies of forgiveness and innocence restores by the grace and virtue of forgetting, blotting out completely. i started feeling so empty, every wish unfulfilled, every expectations wasted, dreams wasted, summers wasted, never being what i wanted, i never was, so many years wasting away and away, feeling sorry, swallowed by guilt and pity. it is the way things were supposed to go, cruel God made us age, no sin justifies the horrors of aging away into incompetence, ugliness, unglamour, unbeauty, uncognition. nothing i can get will justify the loss of my teenage years, my early adulthood, i will spent time and resources trying to figure out a way to cope.

happy birthday to me.

principle of death

if youre reading this and know me personally stop reading now

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the genital piercings are doing just fine, perfectly good, might get another one, im thinking anywhere from two to four more. tomorrow im getting my other nipple pierced. i got nose stud. getting my back piece finished by october. been wearing lipstick and satin robes around the house, pearls. been trying my best to feel not normal but extravagant, lascivious. met some friends at school.

my father saw my tattoos and ive being getting got for the past week but we did get to see the new alien movie yesterday. i think things are getting better.

today marks the anniversary of the event ive been being dragged by. this weekend was not very nice. aside from that. i got violently, violently sick and i was not able to go out. i stayed in. hated it.

been feeling horrible, want to peel myself off the face of the earth, this disgusting, uncomfortable dimension. unfathomably ugly.

theres a bug infestation in my closet and around my room. nothing feels right.

today it is his birthday and i dont feel like i love him enough, i dont at all, i feel cold and frigid, i dont want to be but i just am, im hungry, i have not eaten, i want to go home and rest some, i dont want to know anything about anyone. i feel wrong, i feel stupid. i feel impotent and unworthy. i see myself as so unerotic, so deeply wrong and unsettling, like people can smell my bashed purity and my brokeness, my lack of faith and my lack of humanity. i think theres something deeply wrong with me, everywhere i look inside of me is black lungs and rotted, bleeding viscera.

im falling into myself. my desire to annihilate myself and my lack of action weighs on me like nothing else can. i want to erase myself from the world so that everyone forgets me and i take all my things with me, and my room merges with my brothers and my spot in everyones lives is not replaced but blotted out.

i wish we all died. i wish in my next life im a little kitten, i wish we could all be little kittens and pile on each other because were so small and soft and warm and fuzzy. i long for a softer life.

 

melancholy / melody noir / abrázame muy fuerte amor, mantenme así a tu lado

 i miss my best friend- i had not seen him in so long by the time he left the city. not too long ago, but the last time is saw him was only a couple weeks ago. he is a ghost to me now, im sure were ghotsts to each other. sweet, soft memories of pandemic summer. my breezing moon. i wrote a poem about him so long ago. 

he told me that when i got sick he did not know how to be there so he started wearing thumb rings as i used to, and so i now wear mine again in rememberance of him. still there but barely talking. 

such a soft, gentle figure i feared had forgotten about me. i feared that meeting again would be like meeting a stranger. it was not but it was too late. it was the day he told me he would leave, just a week and a half after our first rendevouz.

i listened to california by lana del rey over and over the night he left, i could not see him because he was busy packing. but that last night we spent together we danced and sang and he were in a point of collision so strong, so powerful i thought for a second we could have merged into something permanent. i think we did. i remember him fondly now, everytime i listen to juan gabriels abrazame muy fuerte, every time i pass my his house on my way out of the neighborhood, everytime. i wrote him a poem long ago, when we turned 19. i never showed it to him, i felt we had driften and just thinking about it made me sick.

we could have done it all a thousand times over if i had been just a little more lenient, if i wasnt so afraid. i am so afraid all the time. it keeps me ridden.

im wallowing in the embrace of a friend who has gone, who i hope can stay in touch. i want to stay in touch everyday. in a different life hed be my wife, i told him, id be his man. 

i dont know where to start even, i dont know how to end. i dont know anything im simply trying to defy the odds by letting the soft, sweet melancholy fill my heart and maybe bloom into a run, a run all the way to guadalajara, a run so powerful itll shoot me to the sun and back into the park, the old playset, where we listened to music and spent our time. 

he and i were so parallel all the time, still are, listening to the same music, going through the same motions. i feel we dont even exist. if at death we are categorized by place of inception, we will meet again there. we will meet in september, ill wait home to see him in the holidays, ill be home for the summer. i miss everyone i ever met but i miss him specifically, my soul mate, my lost sibling.

new life breathing through me and i try not to breathe out again. im unrapping my arms in soft winter snow, im missing him so bad, im letting myself take blame for the deficit, im reaching my arms into the stars hoping for him to send back the rest of the lullaby.

till we ride again