glory! : uh oh

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Thursday, May 16, 2024

uh oh

oh God its over i wont have a career ive fucked everything up i feel horrible. been watching live concerts lately very good and im also going insane my skin is breaking out my medicine isnt responding anymore and i want to break up with everything and live inside a fantasy world in my head. sperm is such a weird concept its so many half people all could be a different life and one could be cruel and the other could save the world with love but just how different could each one be if they are all still cursed with the same mother and father. are they or are theyre not individual chances at individual persons do they only have the possibility to exist with men and be punished and have to bear the condemnation of their parents. is each of them a different little half child or are all of them going to end up exactly the same do they all share the same soul that was concieved through the suffering and the nurturing of the bloodline. like a womans eggs that have existed since her own mother was alive. if my mother didnt have me but instead someone else, it would still be me wouldnt it. it was predestined before anything ever happened. and in simpler terms i have started existing when they first laid a finger on her and when she first felt shame. and so wouldve any one of the eggs that made it through. theres no use in wishing i was never born because there is no running when the soul has been brewing for a trillion years of punishment and sacrifice. life is a trap and any of the eggs i have in my body now are already suffering shakes and if any of them became a person no matter what they have seen what ive seen been violated like i was been disturbed and picked and abused like i was and how my mother was before me. and if my eggs were used and implanted on another woman maybe the crib of her womb would neutralize it and the love of its parents would change things but the blood is cursed even if the flesh is not but maybe it would be different. in a hand you could hold a billiom possibilities for a man or a woman but its the same soul that is going to be pulled from the sky and forced into a body. but aside from that i think you could like pick out any sperm from a certain man and any egg from a certain woman and the child would be exactly the same. join me in death...}

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.