God im so stupid.
i dont know why i keep feeling ike such a failure- im so stuck in the same cycle. im so stuck. i dont even want to see this weekend. im going to see friends. today, i saw my boyfriend and we had fun and i saw friends who i love with all of my heart and i had fun but i always feel so empty inside i dont know what it is.
im so thankful for them, thats the thing. every therapist i ever talked to spoke about being thankful. but i am thankful. i just wish i could really enjoy the things i have fully. that makes sense, no? i know i have things i just wish i could enjoy them. i am thankful i have them but im just as upset as i was when i had nothing.
it never feels too wrong when its happening. thats only because im good at suppressing the feeling while its going on. if i didnt, i would get violent. its not because it feels good. not because of anything. i dont know who im trying to convince. i just want him to know the truth of my spirit. i dont deceive him. i feel so small on his side. i feel so small and pathetic on his side and i know its the womans role within a realtionship but i already feel so small and so pathetic and so useless. i could be of use here. it is my biggest void and biggest point of guilt, biggest point of disgust and hysteria. i just dont want him to feel unwanted or unloved or lied to but i also dont want him to think im verbally lying to him and that my struggles are made up. it feels bad after. it does. what was i built for? i want to be in my room all day, i want to never leave a bed. and i keep picking at my eyelashes. im simply not there anywhere. at least he doesnt realize the extent of anything. nobody seems to. i would die for anyone.
i hope, i hope, i hope i make it. i hope i go to college. i cant work hard anymore.
i do love him so much, i love everyone. i wish i could nurture kindness. i need to go to confession. im too depraved, too sad, too lazy.
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