bloodclots

in all honesty i fell into a spiral of functional alcoholism just like my mother after a traumatic event in august from last year that ended in a rock bottom in april and i have ceased since. im ashamed of myself and nobody is on my side. they dont understand it and wont. i have no family. i have no one to call when i feel like carving a knife into my chest, i dont like my position in life. i am not fine. i am heavily suicidal and im not happy in my relationship. i never have been. it started out of an impulse and i never liked it. i hurt everyone. everything i touch turns to shit. i have nobody on my side and i throw up at least once a week from how upset i get. im so tired of living and im so scared of suicide. i doubt the existence of God. i doubt the goodness of God. i am sure that love is not real. i am not in love and i love scarcely. im in pain. i need to purge every last bit of acid in my stomach. i need to pour out my viscera and be clean. the city is hot and dense. nothing makes it better. im scared and unsatisfied. 

uh oh

 oh God its over i wont have a career ive fucked everything up i feel horrible. been watching live concerts lately very good and im also going insane my skin is breaking out my medicine isnt responding anymore and i want to break up with everything and live inside a fantasy world in my head. sperm is such a weird concept its so many half people all could be a different life and one could be cruel and the other could save the world with love but just how different could each one be if they are all still cursed with the same mother and father. are they or are theyre not individual chances at individual persons do they only have the possibility to exist with men and be punished and have to bear the condemnation of their parents. is each of them a different little half child or are all of them going to end up exactly the same do they all share the same soul that was concieved through the suffering and the nurturing of the bloodline. like a womans eggs that have existed since her own mother was alive. if my mother didnt have me but instead someone else, it would still be me wouldnt it. it was predestined before anything ever happened. and in simpler terms i have started existing when they first laid a finger on her and when she first felt shame. and so wouldve any one of the eggs that made it through. theres no use in wishing i was never born because there is no running when the soul has been brewing for a trillion years of punishment and sacrifice. life is a trap and any of the eggs i have in my body now are already suffering shakes and if any of them became a person no matter what they have seen what ive seen been violated like i was been disturbed and picked and abused like i was and how my mother was before me. and if my eggs were used and implanted on another woman maybe the crib of her womb would neutralize it and the love of its parents would change things but the blood is cursed even if the flesh is not but maybe it would be different. in a hand you could hold a billiom possibilities for a man or a woman but its the same soul that is going to be pulled from the sky and forced into a body. but aside from that i think you could like pick out any sperm from a certain man and any egg from a certain woman and the child would be exactly the same. join me in death...}

carries name necklace, natasha

i dont want to talkl about it much but ive been thinking about two thingies in sex and the city.

obviously the character carrie is quite annoying and immature, and cruel at times. but her entire feud about natasha strikes such a chord with me. i always thought it was a class thing mostly. natasha was born to old money and carrie came from little. the way they dress; natasha is towering, beautiful and classy, per se. her clothes are simple and neutral. carries are, well. theyre carries. shes always been known for that very young, very extravagant, fearless fashion. 

i relate to carrie in that sense, i feel too young and too out there sometimes. i feel like a clown. i feel ridiculous besides the girls in my university. powerless. theyre clean and i have a grown out buzzcut and wear ugly clothes. my stacks on stacks of rings and necklaces and bracelets im tattooed all over etc. these girls look clean and quiet. their hair is shiny and long. their skins are clear. 

it breaks my heart seeing carrie try to tower over natasha, when its just not in her to sacrifice her sense of style. she cant wear the white cami and the whatever. she cant be as beautiful. she cant. she meets her in a tiny crop top and a cowboy hat while natasha was wearing a simple white slip. 

i think of carries name necklace. this scene where carrie is in paris and tries to sacrifice herself for this new, clean metamorphosis. she finds her carrie necklace, a staple of her immature, "trashy" (PER SE!) style in a hole in her dior bag. she remembers who she is and she runs back. new york carrie bursts through her and its very beautiful. 

i had a moment like that. ive been having it. whatever.

suicide tonight or something. not really.

 God im so stupid.

i dont know why i keep feeling ike such a failure- im so stuck in the same cycle. im so stuck. i dont even want to see this weekend. im going to see friends. today, i saw my boyfriend and we had fun and i saw friends who i love with all of my heart and i had fun but i always feel so empty inside i dont know what it is. 

im so thankful for them, thats the thing. every therapist i ever talked to spoke about being thankful. but i am thankful. i just wish i could really enjoy the things i have fully. that makes sense, no? i know i have things i just wish i could enjoy them. i am thankful i have them but im just as upset as i was when i had nothing. 

it never feels too wrong when its happening. thats only because im good at suppressing the feeling while its going on. if i didnt, i would get violent. its not because it feels good. not because of anything. i dont know who im trying to convince. i just want him to know the truth of my spirit. i dont deceive him. i feel so small on his side. i feel so small and pathetic on his side and i know its the womans role within a realtionship but i already feel so small and so pathetic and so useless. i could be of use here. it is my biggest void and biggest point of guilt, biggest point of disgust and hysteria. i just dont want him to feel unwanted or unloved or lied to but i also dont want him to think im verbally lying to him and that my struggles are made up. it feels bad after. it does. what was i built for? i want to be in my room all day, i want to never leave a bed. and i keep picking at my eyelashes. im simply not there anywhere. at least he doesnt realize the extent of anything. nobody seems to. i would die for anyone.

i hope, i hope, i hope i make it. i hope i go to college. i cant work hard anymore.

i do love him so much, i love everyone. i wish i could nurture kindness. i need to go to confession. im too depraved, too sad, too lazy.

rainbow bridge

 

im so upset. so many mentions of cats dying. saw a post on an online forum i just read on. whatever. ill post screenshots.

im doing horrible and the world is so cruel and brutal i want to die tonight i cannot do this anymore. this is such a cruel world and i cant fathom another day. i cant pull through another day. i cant pull through another day. im so upset right now. im so upset. nothing matters. whimsy is a fantasy. frivolous things that make me happy are pathetic. i want to die. nothing matters. all that exists is suffering.

the only reason nice things exist in the world is for the world to rip them from you. i will never be happy because the world is cruel and horrible. i am shaking uncontrollably and i wish i was never born at all. why cant we all be happy and thats that. why do i have to see all of that that i love die in my arms someday. im so upset. i wish i was never born because i have done nothing good with my life and all life is meaningless and my spot on earth is stupid and everything is stupid and the world is full of bad intentions and it has bad intentions when it gifts you something i hate everything i love everything i hate everything nothing matters all that exists is suffering.

watching nothing doing it all

 i feel watched but not much more than i already did. I simply feel like an eye has been added to Gods eternal head. 

these weeks i let my acrylics break and i peeled them off bleeding in order to play the guitar. ive been playing my instruments everyday, drawing less-. i do miss my long red stiletto nails.

been doing not much at all but stressing over school- it might be completely over and my heart is still broken over everything. 

ive been thinking of

its like i let Him do anything to me with the hopes that Hell talk to me but He doesnt talk to me and still does anything He wants. because He always does. and i cant feel loved with these kinds of punishments. i dont want that. i dont want to feel so sick anymore or anything. i want life to feel beautiful. GOD PLEASE LET ME GET WHAT I WANT. GOD LISTEN TO ME! I DO WHAT I MUST! this song from the opera tosca- vissi d'arte! me!

i feel ashamed of my constant behavior. i feel so starved of conversation. real human conversation where its not me trying to convince someone im not insane.

i got more crosses on my back. i dont think i mentioned that. i dont think i mentioned the ankh on my leg either. i got it for the hunger by david bowie. blackout. and i got a bunch of beautiful crosses over my back. im getting more soon. i got some stars on my stomach for bowie as well. and i was always a star girl. never much of a heart girl. mostly 5 point stars. 

dont feel like i deserve my boyfriend. hes kind. but God does he annoy me sometimes. its who he is. very rational. i feel my vibes are so bad. honestly. i love his teeth.

im so stressed it hurts, i feel so alien and misunderstood so constantly. i wish i could scream. i constantly feel the need to yell and scream and hit someone or something. i repress it though. obviously. 

i also got small white fine line crosses on the middle of each of my middle fingers, on the palm side. hurt like hell and theyve already faded bad. im getting them done in red ink soon. 

new medicine is making me nauseous. badly! it does kind of work. well enough for the circumstance. also i cant rid of the feeling of wanting to run away forever. its so strange and painful here. this world is so cruel.

and i love my friends so much. so so so much. im so happy with them. im happy when i with them . 

and i still now dream of and long so badly for glamour, a long silk sleep robe and beautiful linen and long black hair that shines blue and white. i still dream of a beautiful apartment in new york. but i need to see an opera so badly right in this moment. i want so badly to be beautiful and shiny. i want my skin to pale down. i want all of the jewels, i want a new gold chain, ive been into sapphire and gold lately. my tiffany charms chain broke. it wasnt tiffany but it was important to me. anyway. i want new rings and new everything and all things beautiful. my skin is so bad.

someday ill be rich because of my own merits. im not very good at anything in particular but i will be. obsessed with moulin rouge and burlesque. and silent film. i wouldve devoured the 20s had i been alive. 

rumination is doing fine. alive and well. eater of worlds alive and well rotting in her room. 

im working on a new project in regards to my writing. it is called death eternal. short stories. thats that.