Longing for France or Norway, longing for something to do, someplace to survive. I feel a longing like a hook through the skin of my back, the skin of my waist, dragging me up through the roof and dragging my feet like a paintbrush. I was once ignorant towards life in general I had no interest in Spain or in the greater world and when I saw it i became mesmerized by the clear flow of the air, the cold gushing wind, the lush of each small fraction. It is so far from me, and yet here it is. I feel so alone but I wish to be alone. I wish my family decided to stay in Japan and I could live freely in the house instead of just my bed, my room. I dont have enough money for coffee shops, and there is nowhere to be and nothing to do in the afternoons. Head hurts, stomach churns, all is lost if i let my eyes look. If i climb to the window through my bondaged arms and legs and I peek through the pane i see nothing but a black, deep void that holds no light, no sound. I am better off in this little cabin, locked inside and tied into a knot.
im in so much pain, the earth is heavy and my mind is full of sore joints and muscles so withered, withered to the point of risking the flesh falling clean off the bones if i moved an inch.
i cannot think anymore, i cannot breathe. i am alone in the world and i cant sit and analyze even if i wanted. i wish i was less cruel but i cant be and i am in such a lack of love and care i feel so abandoned. i wish i could run and hide but i cant. im so hungry for something. i feel so sad and alone.
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