PORNOGRAPHY: MEN POSSESSING WOMEN by ANDREA DWORKIN

 

Self is incrementally expanded as the parasite drains self from those not entitled to it. To him it is given, by faith and action, from birth. To her it is denied, by faith and action, from birth. His is never big enough; hers is always too big, however small. As a child, the first self he drains is that of his mother—whatever she has of it is reserved for him. He feeds off her labor and her qualities. He uses them up. She is devoted, more or less; but the more is as much insult as the less; and nothing is ever enough unless it has been too much; all of this regardless of what or how much it has actually been. As the boy matures, he is encouraged to make the treacherous and apparently devastating ‘‘normal adjustment,” that is, to transfer his parasitism of the mother to other females, who have more succulent selves to which they are not entitled. In the course of his life, he reenacts this grand transition as often as he wishes. He finds the qualities and services he needs and he takes them. Especially he uses women, as Virginia Woolf described in A Room of One's Own, to enlarge himself. He is always in a panic, never large enough. But still, his self is immutable however much he may fear its ebbing away, because he keeps taking, and it is taking that is his immutable right and his immutable self. Even when he is obsessed with his need to be more and to have more, he is convinced of his right to be and to have.

brims of sanity, been doing this too long

Longing for France or Norway, longing for something to do, someplace to survive. I feel a longing like a hook through the skin of my back, the skin of my waist, dragging me up through the roof and dragging my feet like a paintbrush. I was once ignorant towards life in general I had no interest in Spain or in the greater world and when I saw it i became mesmerized by the clear flow of the air, the cold gushing wind, the lush of each small fraction. It is so far from me, and yet here it is. I feel so alone but I wish to be alone. I wish my family decided to stay in Japan and I could live freely in the house instead of just my bed, my room. I dont have enough money for coffee shops, and there is nowhere to be and nothing to do in the afternoons. Head hurts, stomach churns, all is lost if i let my eyes look. If i climb to the window through my bondaged arms and legs and I peek through the pane i see nothing but a black, deep void that holds no light, no sound. I am better off in this little cabin, locked inside and tied into a knot.  

im in so much pain, the earth is heavy and my mind is full of sore joints and muscles so withered, withered to the point of risking the flesh falling clean off the bones if i moved an inch. 

i cannot think anymore, i cannot breathe. i am alone in the world and i cant sit and analyze even if i wanted. i wish i was less cruel but i cant be and i am in such a lack of love and care i feel so abandoned. i wish i could run and hide but i cant. im so hungry for something. i feel so sad and alone. 

spread HATE and MISERY

 haii ..

God, its been ok. got my tongue pierced and my other foot done. trad cobweb and born to die right under it. a 536 at the center of the other one. looks fine. healing as one would expect. hurts like hell. but i can talk fine now and eat semi solid foods. canned chicken soup and whatnot. with bits of vegetables and like five bits of some limp pasta. had not had pasta in ages. digested it just fine. whatever. things may be looking up. got some vintage jewelry for a total of what 45 usd the other day. two rings, two big necklaces. i think. feel weird, prayed over them and sprayed some holy water.

in a deep cloud of unflinching misery, listening to post punk and dsbm this summer. wont even try to fool myself into feeling fine by listening to solar power or whatever. wa t a place to find rest but i wont. summer school is not extremely grueling but i AM home alone and im an extremely paranoid person. im afraid i might be developing some type of schizophrenic disorder but i dont think so. my visions are prophetic and i do think i have a stronger spiritual drive than most people. the shapes i do see make sense in context and i dont hear voices. i only ever talk to myself. but if my visions are not in fact an angel sending me messages then i might be cooked.

its not been too bad. im trying to listen to more music akin to waht im doing and solidifying my own personal sound. someone i dont know found my ep and liked it enough to buy it and donate one additional dollar. yay!

ill be twenty years old soon. GGOOOODODD!!!!!!!!!!!JRWAFDOKSMJC LGK

and its been ok honestly. dont love my classes and clasmates, dont like coming to this specific university mostly out of a deep feeling of disconnect, a bit more literal than before. in my other university this feeling of disconnect and hollowness was a bit broader and hit deeper. people here are just right winged. which is to say RETARDED .

ill be ok.

mosquito

 i am attending summer school. free of charge. yay! kinda sucks. have to get up 6 am ish to get here at 8.30.

im thinking of my album and feeling unproductive. ive bitten my nails to stumps again. i feel weird. i want new friends. i feel lonely. im getting a tongue piercing this saturday because my parents will leave for a 10 day long trip. and it should be fun. painful as hell probably. if they dont see it ill be fine. its going to be quite small so whatevsies. not looking forward to the healing or the taste of blood. hope it doesnt hurt much. im going to a professional.

i want to see people. i need a party. drink a bit go a bit stupid. im tired. my digestions doing better but still needs some more time. i think. i hope. 

third day of summer school, supposed to end around maybe the 28th, i hope life gets easier. ive been sad lately, more existencial dread than anything. the feeling of time clipping forward and whatever. or that april was a million years ago. i need to be put down like a dog. 

its been such a strange lapse of time these days i feel like i want do do more with my life but i feel i cant really. the elections were not so long ago and i live in a red city. everyones pissed. i hate it here. if im outed as a communist i will probably be executed or something. i hope i make it. im allergic. OOHHH. i might not be cisgender. i dont fit here. i feel like im putting on a costume and putting on a show. i am going to ignore this information further.

im afraid i might be schizophrenic of schizoid ish. but because i consider this information i think im psyop-ing myself. maybe not. uh oh!