what did i do

 my soft animal body, what have i done to it? how have i fell down this hole.

i will get epidermal tattoos of beauty marks. like 40 usd total. hope its all good. im trying to acknowledge the pain of the physical form, i dont want to reject it anymore, i want to intentionally interact with my physical form, but what i want is to stop hurting. i worship all pain.

im ancient and medieval, im byzantine. i am soft, warm flesh squeezed by cold, hard steel. i wish i could remove my uterus, cut the skin between my legs and stitch it into a flat surface, then put a hot pink zirconia microdermal jewel on it so it doesnt look bland or uncanny. 

i wished as a child to stop understanding human sexuality. i saw it as an artistic rendition all of the worlds men and women took part of. it was not. i understood i never really got human sexuality and they did it out of seeking something. i never found it nor cared to find it. i know only that human pain has to upper limit, and pleasure is limited at the floral delight of sleep. midsummer nights dream. sleeping nymph under the emerald woods. i wish to be in my vision, i want to go home to my motherland. the star is so far. it is so far.

he lay the origin of his evil into the softness of my purity. i let him because he had imagined it into the continuous stream of time over and over until it calcified into the things that have happened, are happening and are happening. this body is worth cents, skin is a dime a pound. i let him because it had already happened. all the horrible things that can happen will, and it had always been so. i let him and i didnt move a twitch, i kept on my masque, singing and dancing. a stone dryad cracked at the tips of the limbs. i did it because it paid and it had already happened. and i didnt let anyone know i bled for days. he injected black tar venom into the warm walls of my entrapment where i lay inside my crib, my body deformed into a crab. i let him because this place has not hosted another voiced creature, i was only aware of the outside world through whatever echo the door allowed, i was only aware of the sun through the leaks on the roof. i bled for days and didnt tell a soul. i let him over and over. every day i bleed. i bled black and brown. my pillows no longer white.

i wish i was dead, for i cannot stop trying to dig myself out of my human realm. i am not from here. my mother egypt corrupted by man. my mother earth. i am from here. sand in my eyes. gold. turquoise sky.

i pass gold chains through my breast, i wear a mouche, i comb my hair with ivory, i have it fall, i never made love, i never got touched, i never was not capricious, i loved champagne. always loved wine and gold. i starv to death. i eat beautiful pastries. i never killed. i never laughed too hard. i never feared any over God. i always loved the sun. i apply white powder on my skin. i listen to rock n roll. listen to the harp, the organ the harpsichord. listen to metal. i wear myself, i carry my burden, i wait to die. always supple, never meaty, never too soft, always wayward always glamourous.