revolution of heavenly bodies

 

so, the ep.

actually im not gonna say anything about it. figure it out.

bye

revolution of heavenly bodies

 i finally published the ep i have been working on for the uhh past nine days or so. ill speak of it tomorrow when im not sleepy. goodnight and long live eater of worlds.

baby names

 i may have talked about this but in my 19th birthday party this friend of mine started flirting with my boyfriend. i was pissed off and i went outside for a smoke, started feeling sick, he paid no mind. this was especially bad for me for reasons i wont talk about here, on that day specifically and on his which is only days before. when i got home, i threw up. when i went to confession next morning, i almost did at the booth again.

anyway i do like this friend of mine, shes pretty and generally cool. we talked once about baby names. it felt so strange to me, i felt a strange jealousy bubbling over. shes normal and wants kids, she struggles in her own way but shes fine. im sick and anorexic and failing even at that.

since i wont be having a child ill just mention names i like in a vacuum.

gloria

babylon

paul

damian

soledad

zafiro

kennedy

edgar

angustias

victoria

angel

leon

regina

teresa

venus

jupiter

junipero

alejandro

maría

alejandra

delfina

emile

emilio

pamela

joseph

sergio

balbina

henrietta

cosette

katherine

gabriel

nicholas

diamanda

ethel

dolores

i dont know what he sees in me. i am so sick and broken down, i am a hypocrite and a stupid woman. a truly stupid woman with no real drive. what to do now. i feel so sick. i feel so ugly, so pudgy, disdained, insane, sad and abandoned.

lunar events

 i got my permanent beauty marks. i think ill get them enlarged soon.  theyre only dots. i dont want them to be big but i dont want them to look like blackheads. got two, one under each eye. a millimeter under each eyelash line. those hurt.

i keep feeling a strange sense of dread. i missed the eclipse, it didnt show much where i lived. sadly. i do love lunar events. thinking of my next tattoos and dreading my month. wont spend a penny above what i need. but uni parking money charged per day.

this rage and overriding jealousy are so bad. i feel so bad. i feel so hurt. he left me here to go talk to some friend of his, i dont know much about her. i was so tense, my muscles was spasming and my heart was heavy into my belly. ive done and given so much to him. ive given so many parts of myself i cant get back if i wanted. hes my only hope. and i was sitting amidst my throbbing head and it was so low and so incredibly strong that my new guitar strings broke. i tried to read stories and watch soap operas but hearing their name. what are the chances.

God how am i going to live like this, how did you let me do this? i know its my own fault but how could you let me do this? i thought i would not suffer, i thought you gave me this safe haven to hide from my life. i thought you gave me something shiny to hold on to so i could reflect whatever light i could find and try to make out my path. why? 

why?

eclipse

 

I did not want to visit a psychiatrist. if i was to consumt, pour my secrets over, i feel like they would pounce back at me and id be raped again. 

everytime i think of it it floods me, i wish i was one to forgive things as they came back to me. but i am not. and God will never make me clean again. i will die in my filth. 

when i was a young girl I hated laughing and smiling. I was very stern and serious. when i found something pleasing or humorous, i tried my best for my facial expression to remain shaped into a solid mask.

i wish I could start over. i wish i could start over so badly. i know i cant. i can feel this death move into my body, laying its furniture, painting the walls of my skull. to know its too late is such a particular, cruel torture. why have this punishment, the greatest ever, be gifted to anyone who has committed the crime of living. 

this brain of mine, this parasite in this beautiful host. i am not happy. i made this shallow mud my grave. my remains are never going to be clean, i will perpetually rot and bloat into a pale, shapeless mass. and my body will never relax 

into my bones or shred and melt into the earth. 

and my skull is still so soft. it hurts to press into it. and the pressure inside my head is so dull and i feel as if i had an animal inside of it, expanding into its cavities. 

the eclipse is coming soon. I had a dream. The moon was shaped like a lightbulb and it floated around the world at an altitude of maybe six meters from the ground we live on. and it came into our house, my parents room where we were gathered, and destroyed everything. but its movement was slow, smooth and graceful. and it glowed white. 

how i wish for simpler times. how i do. how i writhe. i long for other things, long for other people, long for more. i looked good on saturday. today i dress in rags again, i fade into my bed. fade into oblivion. i step into the void that i house, this deep oceanic darkness. the sound of the atlantic ocean. the serpent deity wrapped around my ankles and wrists, spreading me over the marble platform, caressing my sternum with a shining blade. the ring of white light over the black night, the chirp on the creatures of day and the eyes of the creatures of night.

what did i do

 my soft animal body, what have i done to it? how have i fell down this hole.

i will get epidermal tattoos of beauty marks. like 40 usd total. hope its all good. im trying to acknowledge the pain of the physical form, i dont want to reject it anymore, i want to intentionally interact with my physical form, but what i want is to stop hurting. i worship all pain.

im ancient and medieval, im byzantine. i am soft, warm flesh squeezed by cold, hard steel. i wish i could remove my uterus, cut the skin between my legs and stitch it into a flat surface, then put a hot pink zirconia microdermal jewel on it so it doesnt look bland or uncanny. 

i wished as a child to stop understanding human sexuality. i saw it as an artistic rendition all of the worlds men and women took part of. it was not. i understood i never really got human sexuality and they did it out of seeking something. i never found it nor cared to find it. i know only that human pain has to upper limit, and pleasure is limited at the floral delight of sleep. midsummer nights dream. sleeping nymph under the emerald woods. i wish to be in my vision, i want to go home to my motherland. the star is so far. it is so far.

he lay the origin of his evil into the softness of my purity. i let him because he had imagined it into the continuous stream of time over and over until it calcified into the things that have happened, are happening and are happening. this body is worth cents, skin is a dime a pound. i let him because it had already happened. all the horrible things that can happen will, and it had always been so. i let him and i didnt move a twitch, i kept on my masque, singing and dancing. a stone dryad cracked at the tips of the limbs. i did it because it paid and it had already happened. and i didnt let anyone know i bled for days. he injected black tar venom into the warm walls of my entrapment where i lay inside my crib, my body deformed into a crab. i let him because this place has not hosted another voiced creature, i was only aware of the outside world through whatever echo the door allowed, i was only aware of the sun through the leaks on the roof. i bled for days and didnt tell a soul. i let him over and over. every day i bleed. i bled black and brown. my pillows no longer white.

i wish i was dead, for i cannot stop trying to dig myself out of my human realm. i am not from here. my mother egypt corrupted by man. my mother earth. i am from here. sand in my eyes. gold. turquoise sky.

i pass gold chains through my breast, i wear a mouche, i comb my hair with ivory, i have it fall, i never made love, i never got touched, i never was not capricious, i loved champagne. always loved wine and gold. i starv to death. i eat beautiful pastries. i never killed. i never laughed too hard. i never feared any over God. i always loved the sun. i apply white powder on my skin. i listen to rock n roll. listen to the harp, the organ the harpsichord. listen to metal. i wear myself, i carry my burden, i wait to die. always supple, never meaty, never too soft, always wayward always glamourous.