glory! : February 2025

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Monday, February 24, 2025

nazi bitches in congress who wouldve thought

im sort of in the middle of a huge shift in my life i dont know if id rather do excels for the rest of my life but i sure as hell know i dont wanna be a therapist and i dont know its all splitting me in half. my tattoo went real great and now im planning for some more below the belt piercings. im thinking two rows of three rings, triple barbell up there, a horseshoe right at the front.

i dont know man.

ive been settling into my gender identity, im more comfortable with queerness than i used to be. im presenting much more feminine and theatrical. my nails and lashes are always dramatic and long. im playing the banjo and guitar still. im always in a dress and heels. my makeup is always done perfectly.

im seeing cryptopsy very soon! im very, very excited. i feel my relationship is running dry. im running dry. its not fun. never was as fun as i wish it could be but im seriously worried now. my fear of his incoming death stops me from taking rational decisions or ever letting myself be properly angry. the state of the world is worrying to me. so, so horribly worrying. i was never one to worry too much. i feel like a bad friend. im terrified for the future of the world. my college professors do their best to accomodate non binary students or name changes. i am not out yet. but half of them are still conservative catholics. i miss the church and the popes health has me in shambles with worry.

“What I am going to say is not a dogma of faith but my own personal view: I like to think of hell as empty; I hope it is”

single most beautiful thing that has ever been said. when i heard it i was brought to tears. a true man of faith for once at the lead of the church of Christ. i hope to God and pray endlessly for the next pope to be as virtuous.

i hope hell is empty. i hope its not eternal. all of my friends would go to hell and so would i. i dont believe i deserve heaven but a lot of them do. peace for once. please, Lord.

sometimes i feel like the cruelty of the world is too much and there is no stairway to heaven in this horrible place. i feel this may very well be hell. i hope hell isnt worse than this.

i lie without a twitch and he forces himself on me. not with too much brutishness, i cant do much about it now. i can kiss or move. i look at the blue light from the window and imagine snow outside. i cant care. this was it. ill do whatever for a bit of peace of mind. i dont do much about my life and i need to get to reading or something.

i miss my friends. i got influenza and wasnt able to go out this week. im so stupidly upset for no reason. i think i may be depressed. ive had like five people tell me im sexually frustrated. including my own prude of a mother. i dont think so. im frustrated in every single other way. i need lip fillers or hair extensions or something. and to fix up my god damned room.

and i do dream of love. i dream of sweet love and holding hands and holding each others heads and hanging by someones shoulders, someone truly beautiful i feel connected to not just familiar. i wake up and i guess what i have is fine. im sure gonna sound stupid if something happened to him and i lose everything i ever had then. i can only appreciate him in the context of losing him. but im unhappy now. ill be unhappier with nothing. without him i dont know where i would go again.

see how stupid i can be?

Monday, February 3, 2025

im not gonna start writing on things that dont pertain to me

on twitter some days ago i found that lilly collins (of to the bone which is an awful movie and emily in paris which is an even more awful series with which i have fond memories of) has decided to rent a surrogate mother in order to have her first child. some of the comments were of interest to me.

people defending lilly for her choice since she had been an anorexic for much of her youth apparently and was likely to be suffering from infertility because of it. bof.

i find it interesting how people view rights, themselves, families, etc. i find it particularly funny how a womans bodily sanctity (and i dont mean this as in sacred, necessarily. i mean it more in a sense that the reason why it would be wrong to pay for a woman to be pregnant only for you to buy the child is inherently satanic vibes and off in every sense, it infringes on something more intangible and holistic, more so than stealing someones car or vandalizing their home) can be squashed for money as long as shes poor and the solicitor is rich (many such cases).

why would collins previous fight with anorexia justify the breaking and entering on another womans body. mental disturbances such as anorexia are obviously hell. as an anorexic myself who has for too long suffered from the consequences i can obviously sympathize with the specific rotting, scalping feeling of anorexia or any eating disorder. but why would my suffering which, lets be honest, i brought upon myself in a way (maybe not me but my own stubborness and apathy or self loathing, you know what i mean) entitle me to someone elses womb and child. this is not a think piece its just my brain being scrambled. would i be too busy navel gazing to face the cruelty of the industry and the brutality i financed.

i think its an attitude i find within myself and see within a lot of people who have suffered. thinking on

why do people feel entitled to children? i dont think anorexics or previous anorexics have any business being moms. family building should be a privilege. who knows what a mess.

could that be it? is collins stupid. i dont know. super gross behavior.

sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.