glory!

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Thursday, May 8, 2025

stupid man

march 15 2025

i wish i could enjoy love or anything at all. its always damage control and denying my need for romance and tenderness then i lay in bed and pretend im falling into the arms of a gentle man that adores me. i want to be adored. he says he adores me but his idea of adoration is castrated and lame. i should have known!

in class i keep my notebook right beside my classbook so that whenever he pops into my head i can vent it out right there. its like keeping a bin beside the bed in case i throw up. and i can just write and write and bleed it off clinically so when we texts me i can be kind and not start a fight but i cant talk. i know its been over for a long, long time. before it started.

but i think i only want it now that i have the fake version. its such a joke and im so lonely i could bury myself. with him i feel destroyed, shackled and pathetic. i can feel my face being pulled down, i can feel myself getting ugly from the neglect and abuse. i cant stand it anymore but im not strong enough to leave. i feel as if i was attached by the skin and, if i were to leave, i would rip off half the flesh off my back and would have to go about the world waiting for the wound to close under harsh weather and bad sun. then go on and catch up to the world. i cant. i cant, i feel almost as if the last door that will open is my own death. i cant even bring myself to be afraid. im preparing, going to church again, confession, getting ready for my final judgement and bracing for embracing the end. i could kill us both. i want to love and be loved tenderly and sweetly. im hollering for a mother. im screaming for a father. for someone to pet my head or cup my face with their hands. lift me into their arms and put me to bed when my body is too sore to move.

im so tired, man. im so tired. people think hes sweet and the relationship is going nicely. i dont love him and he keeps me around for no reason at all. were stuck because of his sins. sins like dry superglue. i put myself as his desktop background. i plan the dates and put up a performance of star eyes.

leos, man.

sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.