washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Tuesday, October 8, 2024

schooling schooling

ive been trying to apply myself further to my studies. i think ill start working out, been a while. just a bit. hour a day, four or five days a week. working hard. every sin i fall into is just me looking for a dopamine hit and i never get any. my body will block my satisfaction, pleasure, my reward, all because of what i did to it. I wish there was someone to blame. No food, no rest, no love, no nothing. Ive been floating dreamlessly, aimlessly. No company. Im unbroken by the things that have been and could be. Im nothing. 

Autumn is hot and my parents want to go to the carolinas for christmas and i dont want to go with them. Christmas will be hot. I hate this stupid place. I keep wasting my autumns. I keep wasting my life in this stupid place. 

But ive been getting coffee outside. Cold brew, lattes, flat whites, whatever. Yesterday, i went to a local notebook shop and bought five. May get a couple more. I ran out. Theyre my favorites, good quality, good built. I bought some supplies for my notes, ive been spending time on my own, with my cat. ive been trying to put myself through the semester, studying all day. Just yesterday i took 20 pages worth of notes. Today, i will have to do about 30 more. Im tired but i need to get myself together. I wish there was more. I dont want to work out. I hate exercise. Two summers ago i did 7 hours of exercise a day and didnt lose weight. And yes i was counting my calories. My metabolism is down horrible. Theres no food at home, ive been living off bits of cheese and tortilla chips. Ill try. Ill try. Ill try. Im hungry.