glory!

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Monday, March 3, 2025

i dreamed you up again

i have dreams where my desire for fulfilling love are almost met and i rest easy and happily in someones presence. i felt that way this weekend after our cryptopsy/athiest concert. i shared a beautiful evening with friends and even got to meet the band. i was so happy i couldnt want the night to end. i woke up sore with a huge gash on my knees from when i feel in the moshpit and my nose sore from when someone elbowed me in the moshpit. i was happy and refreshed.

i keep dreaming of love and someone not resisting. i cant help but feel jealous of girls who are naturally alluring. i feel something wrong with me. i dream of old friends and old somethings and we get second chances. i feel so alone. i feel so alone today. i want to be beautiful and light, but i cant fit that shoe. im an eccentric. ive been watching some movies still and making cocktails.

i keep crying about lynch and this clip from twin peaks. my little friend group seems to be seeing each other less with the jobs and everything. i feel like i cant keep up. im waiting for things to happen but they wont. i want to live life. i saw someone say they pretend that they were 80 and one day magically woke up being 35 again, that they acted as if by some miracle they were given 40 years of life back and they could try again. i cant though. what can i even do at all.

im so horribly depressed and i know that even though i mask my sadness i cant truly shake it from my shoulders. i know my heft is felt by everyone around me. classes are going very well. what can i do?

i feel so terribly lonely. my parents are tense with me, my mother is cruel and tells me i dont love her all to have me cry and leave her alone. i dont know where to go from here. i want to be optimistic but things are boring. he keeps doing it over and over again and for the life of me i cant even move anymore. i lie limp and wait, i disassociate. i imagined a dark teal soviet union bunker. last time it happened he ditched me right after to go with friends. it felt horrible. i cant even say anything anymore and i keep away from that word. i begged him not to. but hes kind enough. i need him around.

i went back home and tried to shake it off but i ended up crying. i made myself a margarita and the lemons were bitter. so i had some wine and it was a bit off. so i made sangria. i watched fleabag, i really loved it. too bad its only a couple seasons with some half dozen 20 minute episodes. its very good for all that. im getting my four piercings done sometime this week or the next.

what the hell can i do. im maybe doing a small comic thing with a friend. i spent friday in some coffee waiting for him to finish his homework. i sang and composed. someone approached me to know if i sang live somewhere. yay. lord.

sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.