glory! : lonely tumbleweed of the world

washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Friday, November 14, 2025

lonely tumbleweed of the world

somehow im alone again and it dawns on me that, like when i was 16 and losing about three pounds a week, im alone in the world.

im so upset and lonely. i wish i could walk into the ocean. im near the ocean now. i am 21 years old and so close to death. betrayed by the only person that i thought loved me, by the only person i ever elt enar me. what do i do about these sorts of situations?

im losing my life to nothing at all. i dreamt a thousand times that situation might happen. i woke up from a dream where a misunderstanding became a rumor of me cheating. i always called him. i was so upset all the time. he says i treated him wrong. he has been so cruel to me, saying horrible things. sometimes i feel, in retrospective, he was trying to push me off the edge. i stressed him out. he gutted me sometimes. i loved him and now i know he was using me. four years. he loved me at some point. why?

im so alone. im in the texas beach and ordered some shit. robes, underwear, clothes, shoes. nothing fills the void. i feel so upset. i want to die. i want to die so badly. im so alone. i want to go home. no one to comfort me and no one to kill me in my sleep. i wish someone came in and shot me in the head in the middle of my sleep. they say you don't even hear the gun go off.

that could be good.

and im scared he will do better without me and the love he had for me was fine. a taste was fine. a little of me is enough and too much is poisonous. im so upset. i think ill kill myself this year. i hope i gather the strength to do so.

i was more scared that he would die. he called me saying that. i dont think anyone believes it. i think he thinks im bad. im not bad. he hurt me and i was moving through the pain. he wants to run off. i thought he loved me. i want everyone to die.

my friends betrayed me. the pain in my heart will break the world. i'll split everything in half.

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sylvia plath, the bell jar

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

Psalm 18: 6-11

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies.