lonely tumbleweed of the world

 somehow im alone again and it dawns on me that, like when i was 16 and losing about three pounds a week, im alone in the world.

im so upset and lonely. i wish i could walk into the ocean. im near the ocean now. i am 21 years old and so close to death. betrayed by the only person that i thought loved me, by the only person i ever elt enar me. what do i do about these sorts of situations?

im losing my life to nothing at all. i dreamt a thousand times that situation might happen. i woke up from a dream where a misunderstanding became a rumor of me cheating. i always called him. i was so upset all the time. he says i treated him wrong. he has been so cruel to me, saying horrible things. sometimes i feel, in retrospective, he was trying to push me off the edge. i stressed him out. he gutted me sometimes. i loved him and now i know he was using me. four years. he loved me at some point. why?

im so alone. im in the texas beach and ordered some shit. robes, underwear, clothes, shoes. nothing fills the void. i feel so upset. i want to die. i want to die so badly. im so alone. i want to go home. no one to comfort me and no one to kill me in my sleep. i wish someone came in and shot me in the head in the middle of my sleep. they say you don't even hear the gun go off.

that could be good.

and im scared he will do better without me and the love he had for me was fine. a taste was fine. a little of me is enough and too much is poisonous. im so upset. i think ill kill myself this year. i hope i gather the strength to do so.

i was more scared that he would die. he called me saying that. i dont think anyone believes it. i think he thinks im bad. im not bad. he hurt me and i was moving through the pain. he wants to run off. i thought he loved me. i want everyone to die.

my friends betrayed me. the pain in my heart will break the world. i'll split everything in half.

five of cups

 recently accused of get this cheating on my boyfriend of three years on our anniversary with a random finance bro who said he kissed me before getting ultradrunk and having to be dragged out of the party.

obviously i didnt do that. i would rather eat denim than kiss a finance bro. id rather die than kiss anyone other than my boyfriend who is obviously not perfect but who i love. and who is using this as an opportunity to "forgive me" but also balance out the relationship. me driving and me not getting any more cute presents. whatever man im fine with that. im not fine with people thinking i'd ever do something like that, especially him.

my parents cut me off and i need a job. this is known.

its been a shit month. got my jestrum and my parents made me take it out. things are weird with my boyfriend. as in we broke up in the worst way and ive been kicked out of every group chat. 

doesnt matter. i will work and join the force, ill make a life. maybe ill become a nun.

guess what. mamdani won new york. the star is still bright and ill be glad to be a cog for tomorrow. 

my only real friend who stood by my side is still there but writing and also in pain. the groups i built are obviously burdened with their consequences. im sorry for them. i miss my boyfriend. pablo.  im so hurt. but im a machine and i can keep it going. had a cigar with my parents, bottle of champagne, some scottish whiskey. what a dark night, dark nights. ill love him forever, i think. i hope he does too. i hope he keeps good things about me. i havent eaten in a few days, i know not a lot of people have. 

i hope somehow i inspire him, or the sorrow, inspires him to keep singing and playing that guitar. 

if you see this, my bug, you can still choose me. 

my piercer passed away, a day before turning 26. what in the world. in august. horrible year to live. 

horrible. i dont know what the future awaits and i dont know if i want to know but im going to work until i dont need to think about that. i will become a machine. 

ill stop drinking much, ill stop smoking much, ill stop a lot of things.