im so self centered but then again i think everyone is and this is my diary so if youre reading its on you. i like it and leave me alone.
next week ill get my legs done, some of whats left of them. i feel so down. i feel so unsatisfied with me career and boyfriend. im several years too far gone on the latter, too behind on the first.
ive been trying to write a little short story book and a long novelette that would be like eat pray love but i guess more realistic. if youre to used to depriving yourself and living quickly, you may never be able to develop a taste for a slow life and even that wont save you from misery. hell, not even therapy will. time will, maybe. self-induced psychosis, developing stoicism, maybe. drug induced ego death or something. its not like im doing that, not like i see it as a real thing people.
ive been missing classes and going to the gi doctor tomorrow to get a card to justify my absences. good for me my colon is always fucked so i can always get one. i need to get better before its too late and i lose my intestines or something. i dont know how. i still want to lose weight. be 90 lbs again. i know i should shed my concept of self but then what will become of me. paradoxical, i know. i still have to look out for myself, i feel i cant give up just now but i also know i have to.
ive been playing music with friends but am growing increasingly more nervous about my lack of skill compared to all these people who i admire so much. i got a bass and i havent been playing for a week or so but im slowly getting used to it.
i came out as non binary to my friends finally and am finally going by my chosen name, which is close to the short version of my given name which im also keeping. i keep thinking my dad gave it to me with so much love. i can keep it. male and female name. its fine.
honestly im not too sad i just have bad things happen every now and then. im having a hard time this semester and my grades are not doing amazing. having a hard time with my boyfriend, again. feeling ocd about religion and spirituality.
weird things happening with my boyfriends friend. weird interactions i have been trying to not think about too much. im probably overthinking. little glances and the tiniest gestures. i hate happy couples, they make me feel so horrid. seeing a man treat his partner with devotion and real generosity makes me feel like theres something wrong with me since i dont get those things. i also want flowers every now and then, i also want luxurious gifts on some special occasion. all i ever get is antiques or a discount perfume. i appreciate them as sentimental offers, obviously, and i think theyre very great and keep them close to me always. i just wish i was with someone who was really willing to buy me capricious gifts and understood my desire for luxury. i want a natural diamond ring, i want it to be tinted and shiny. i know ill probably get a lab grown thats smaller than id like. i dont know what to do.
the shame of someone in the world having seen my body and not being with them anymore would devour and chew me. i already feel so dirty and damaged. he calls me unfeminist so that i give him access again and dont feel bad about it. i cant do that because its so painful and i cant help but disassociate into a crystal cave or enchanted forest or mermaid cove.
i find myself in fantasies about some other person being in deep love with me, enchanted or hypnotized by me. thats what i want. what he gives me is natural and lame, the same way anyone would feel about the person they have access to, if that person is the only one theyre allowed to be with. i want true devotion, i want months of pursuit and i want someone to open themselves to be consumed by me. i want to feel that special. with him, i feel unattractive and neutral. its the last thing i have ever wanted.
i dream of being chased and desired with fury and desperation. if he were to know that hed say its unhealthy, which he loves saying about my desires, or only fantasy. like it could never happen. but i do love and want you, is what he would say. he wants me to want him and ill never want anyone. i want to be adored and he loved me tenderly but feels that love can pay for my time and effort. thats not true. adoration pays for my time and effort.
it does happen. people write about it all the time. people go and cheat on the parent of their children because they feel that way. people want other people, not just wait for spare time to use each other.
its harder because im not sexually attracted to people. i want a beautiful person to deem me as something they want badly but cant have. i want someone to show me the highest proof of my own beauty or my own attractiveness. to go mad with it, to catch a fever and lose their heads.
once in my life, show me God that im not as grotesque as I've been feeling I am. make someone want me even if its inappropiate, even if its inconvenient, in an obvious but impossible way. and dont hurt me again in that process. it would've hurt less if it was anything but him getting off over my paralyzed terror. if it was ardor. if it was anything special, if it was important it was me and not anyone else. it hurts so bad and ive never stopped bleeding out. it hurts so bad i feel i may drop dead. to me, it was even more horrible because it was him and not anyone else. it stabbed me through the ribs and into my heart.
