washer

Goodnight my love Remember me as you fall to sleep Fill your pockets with the dust and the memories That rises from the shoes on my feet I won't be back here Though we may meet again I know it's dark outside Don't be afraid Everytime I ever cried from fear Was just a mistake that I made Wash yourself in your tears And build your church On the strength of your faith Please Listen to me Don't let go Don't let this desperate moonlight leave me With your empty pillow Promise me the sun will rise again I too am tired now Embracing thoughts of tonight's dreamless sleep My head is empty My toes are warm I am safe from harm...

Monday, May 12, 2025

cypress ridge advance

 I

The trip to America seemed as if God himself wanted to strike Lady Joan down. The sun rose red and had punctured the chests of the crewmen, prayers ringing from each nook of the ship. Sometimes it seemed as if bells rang from the thundering, scalping heavens. The sea parted and clasped her in its open palms. Lady Joan, however, split the sea in, rocking and bucking into the port ten weeks after she had set sail, after a healthy birth and two full recoveries from some strange illness.


As the ship lay finally sleeping in the calmness of the American cradle, I readied for my trip down into the swamp areas of the south. The carriage was a gentle trip, though I do not remember just how long it might have lasted. I picked at my envelopes.


Dearest Jonah, I am terribly sorry, I heard about your father. I would have written much earlier, but I was advised not to by your fathers brother, Richard, bless his heart. My old friend, I write because I need a favor-


Four pages of pleasantries and paddling before arriving at the inevitable request. Samuel needed a favor, what else. An acquaintance of a dear friend, or a cousin of a cousin, whatever it may be, was in dire need of a new tutor. Whatever it may be. I would never have thought of entertaining the favor, not from a man such as Samuel who had so harshly driven us to shame, I owed a debt I had no intention of clearing, and I made promises I had no intention of keeping. I could smuggle myself, two thousand miles away, yes. And I did. For my own good, God forgive me. If he was out there.


And out there something does crawl, as far as I can see. Crawls at the bottom of the wetland puddle, on its knees and toes, elbows and forearms, digging at the earth ready to pounce. Ready to clench its jaw, brushing and cutting through the mosses and the lily pads. Whatever face of god i knew back home morphed into a different beast on this side of the globe, I reckon. 





oh my God what the hell now Jesus

i loved someone once. a girl my age. yeah. im not bisexual at all, obviously, but she was all i had. she was the sweetest girl in the whole entire world and i have been thinking about her because after almost five years i talked her again at college. i saw her once when my boyfriend claims he fell in love with me, a cold february day. i thought it was february. i was cruel at wanting to reel him in toy with him, later he was able to puncture me so deeply i bleed harder and more painfully each month. besides the point. that was over three years ago. i was so distraught my him and his apparent devotion. life is funny sometimes. i wish i could live more lives and keep them in my memory so that i could see just how funny it is. itd be fucked up if it wasnt all as funny as mine is and im just gods clown.

scared i might lose a friendship to my all consuming love for them. scared as hell. scared someone may find me

shes the only person i ever thought i loved truly. i love my boyfriend but hes stupid and i dont want to ruin my friendships with my closeness or my relationship with my distance. im so scared of everything.

she and i never could have done anything about anything because we were fourteen and different and i dont think she even liked me all that much but she was so stupidly kind about everything. another girl very similar to my boyfriend, casually perfect and eerily put together. i never even tried anything. i dont like women, but i did like a couple back then. not sexually. i just wanted to be so connected to some people but when i want to be connected like that they dont seem interested. nobody ever seemed too interested until my boyfriend but he never could try earnestly. nobody could.

i wish someone found me interesting enough to ask a question. thats my most perverse fantasy. what a joy to be able to point it out as something im at least ashamed of. i act so unashamed in my day to day that its freeing to just say im absolutely humiliated by everything.

im so scared of everything but i guess fake it until you make it. so far, no good. 

there was a small earthquake today and i got so scared, God. and my stupid boyfriend thought i was overreacting. its different when you have children. my kitty baby cat. i love her. i love all of them. my kennedy. my beautiful gorgeous girl, four years almost five years old. insane. i wanna go to vegas for my 21 but not for the weekend. i want to travel with friends and learn to trust people again. i feel like everyone will wanna rape me. i have a tattoo removal thing in two days for which i need sedation because last time i entered into shock and i passed out. im scared of that even. in a luxury dermatological hospital thing. are you joking. thanks world!

semesters done and tomorrow, monday, no class. but God everything is so annoying all the time. SO ANNOYING ALL THE TIME. i hate my stupid everything.

i watched the beguiled yesterday and oh my God that sofia coppola girl is annoying. not even a girl thats a grown ass woman but still. we get is sexual desire and girlhood. what about we go back to talking about being punished by God and being scared God is gonna punish you and being split between thinking you have bad luck or God is finally punishing you. but everything is so fun about southern gothic. stupid jennifer coolidge who i would die for has the most beautiful gorgeous house ever and i dont. i wish i was snow blonde and had albino white hair and blue-red eyes and my hair was super long. womp womp.

Thursday, May 8, 2025

stupid man


march 15 2025

 i wish i could enjoy love or anything at all. its always damage control and denying my need for romance and tenderness then i lay in bed and pretend im falling into the arms of a gentle man that adores me. i want to be adored. he says he adores me but his idea of adoration is castrated and lame. i should have known!

in class i keep my notebook right beside my classbook so that whenever he pops into my head i can vent it out right there. its like keeping a bin beside the bed in case i throw up. and i can just write and write and bleed it off clinically so when we texts me i can be kind and not start a fight but i cant talk. i know its been over for a long, long time. before it started.

but i think i only want it now that i have the fake version. its such a joke and im so lonely i could bury myself. with him i feel destroyed, shackled and pathetic. i can feel my face being pulled down, i can feel myself getting ugly from the neglect and abuse. i cant stand it anymore but im not strong enough to leave. i feel as if i was attached by the skin and, if i were to leave, i would rip off half the flesh off my back and would have to go about the world waiting for the wound to close under harsh weather and bad sun. then go on and catch up to the world. i cant. i cant, i feel almost as if the last door that will open is my own death. i cant even bring myself to be afraid. im preparing, going to church again, confession, getting ready for my final judgement and bracing for embracing the end. i could kill us both. i want to love and be loved tenderly and sweetly. im hollering for a mother. im screaming for a father. for someone to pet my head or cup my face with their hands. lift me into their arms and put me to bed when my body is too sore to move.

im so tired, man. im so tired. people think hes sweet and the relationship is going nicely. i dont love him and he keeps me around for no reason at all. were stuck because of his sins. sins like dry superglue. i put myself as his desktop background. i plan the dates and put up a performance of star eyes.

leos, man.


Sunday, May 4, 2025

its me

 semester one week away from being over. boyfriend a prick again, sunday, im anxious and lazy. im going back to church next sunday. im laying in bed with my cat after a strange saturday night and a week with some stomach flu. i drove up to school friday and suddenly felt too faint to drive. i pulled over at a gas station and called my parents to see if they could pick me up. my dad called me and told me that i had to go to school, else there would be consequences. i was in the car, fainting, my stomach was killing me, i had a migraine and i mamaged to drive all the way up to school, i pulled myself through and crashed into my class, and i crashed on the floor before picking myself up and going about. i told my mom to pick me up at a nearby parking lot since the one at school is hard to get into. she told me not to i did it anyway. i didnt want any trouble. and when i did, i called my parents who were already driving to pick me up and they were furious about me leaving. they were fuming. telling me that if i could drive those 2 minutes from school to the parking lot i could drive 30 kms back home. i cried and cried in my car, Felt the week my stomach was churning. I was left stranded and abandoned. i picked myself up and drove home. my dad wouldnt let me turn on the AC. I sweated it off. by saturday, it was fine and my stomach had settled. i thought id never get better, i didnt move from ym bed or eat a crumb from tuesday to friday. but my stupid boyfriend ruined the night for me. i cant find the strength to leave or stay. sometimes im sure i love him sometimes i think im just not in the place to move on. maybe its just how im used to him. hes charming enough. god.